Farcical Help Desk Archive

June 9, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 52

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: Are IBOs required to sign the BSMAA before purchasing or even using the tools?
Answer: Nope.

Q: Great. So why does my upline tell me that I need to sign it?
A: Because some groups require that you sign it to use their tools.

Q: Oh. Which ones?
A: Ummm. All of them.

Q: Huh? I thought you said I didn't have to sign it to buy tools?
A: You don't.

Q: So, which Line of Affiliation will sell me tools?
A: They'll all sell you tools.

Q: Without signing the BSMAA right?
A: Well, no. You have to sign the BSMAA.

Q: But you just said I'm not required to sign it to buy tools!
A: You're not.

Q: So, WWDB will sell me tools then?
A: Right after you sign the BSMAA.

Q: Argh! This doesn't make any sense at all. If it's not a requirement then why do I have to sign it?
A: Welcome to Quixtar.


 

Q: You are not going to believe this.
A: Try me.

Q: I just had a meeting with Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady at Dunkin' Donuts!
A: Wow. That's pretty cool. What did you guys talk about?

Q: Lots of stuff. We talked for hours. It was great. And you know the coolest thing about the meeting was that I run this website that sorta criticizes their Team motivational business but they still wanted to talk to me and answer my questions. They were so nice and really willing to help me understand their business.
A: That's really neat man. I'm happy for you. So, what are some of the things they said? They tell you about the Tool Contract?

Q: They told me all about it but I can't tell anyone else. I did the secret handshake oath and I'm not allowed to talk about that.
A: But you can talk about the problems that you were posting about on your website right?

Q: No. Well, yes. Sorta. I can say that the problems were NOT normal and Chris and Orrin were very sad and angry about all the bad stuff that happened when I was in their business but they assured me that crap like that is rare and they'll be sure it never happens again. Ever.
A: Right.

Q: And OH MAN, there's this other thing that they told me that really opened my eyes. I now understand why they don't come out and publicly reveal all the details of their tool business and show exactly how much money is made from that business.
A: Ok, why don't they?

Q: Geez. I can't tell you that either. Secret handshake and all. I can tell you it's because they are helpless. Their hands are tied. They would love nothing more than to let us all see the wizard behind the curtain but the Men In Black won't let them do it.
A: Men in Black?

Q: Yeah. See, if they told the world all that they told me then they'd have to blow up the planet. National security stuff you know.
A: So what exactly was the point of this meeting?

Q: I got free coffee and doughnuts.
A: Now I understand.


 

Q: Who's paying for the Qrush ads?
A: That's a great question.

Q: So, what's the answer?
A: Can't tell you. But you can try to guess.

Q: Is it Quixtar?
A: Nope.

Q: Is it Qrush?
A: Nope.

Q: Is it someone in Michigan?
A: Getting warm.

Q: Is it someone connected with the IBOAI?
A: *click*

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May 26, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 51

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: I own a nightclub and I'm looking for a unique act this weekend. Can you help?
Answer: Glad you asked. I happen to know of a really original act that's currently available. It's a family with three extremely talented children, a lovely wife and a father who bears a striking resemblance to Dean Kosage.

Q: Well, what do they do?
A: The father comes out on stage and starts screaming, stomping around and spitting on the audience. He's then joined by his wife who starts tossing rotten fish entrails on her husband while yodelling the "Star Spangled Banner" to the tune of Kelis' Milk Shake. And then the three children, two sons and a daughter, walk out on stage covered in garbage. Then one son begins prancing around quoting Kerouac haikus with a thick German accent while the other son climbs on an orange Big Wheel and rides off the stage into the front row. Then the sister reaches up and pulls a long cord hanging from the ceiling and suddenly a deluge of raw sewage is dumped on the family from hidden containers fastened above. The family then turns towards the audience, in unison, and yells "Ta-Da!"

Q: That's disgusting and utterly repulsive. That's the worst act I've ever heard of in my entire life. What do you call this act?
A: The Kingpins!


 

Q: I'm an IBO and I have a problem. Can you help?
A: Maybe. What's the problem?

Q: I have a sense of humor.
A: Yipes. Yeah. That is a problem. How'd this happen?

Q: Well, I thought I got rid of it but you know, I saw that Aristocrats movie right after watching Lenny and now I can't stop laughing.
A: Well, that's not so bad. IBOs can laugh.

Q: Yeah, but I'm laughing at self-deprecating humor, jokes that poke fun at Quixtar and old-fashioned satire. It's freaking me out.
A: Ok, calm down. I know just the cure. Something that will sap the humor from every funny bone in your body.

Q: I'll do anything. Anything at all. Just help me.
A: Watch this video of Birdie Yager every day for a month and you'll be as humorless as Jody Victor.

Q: Thanks Help Desk™!
A: No thanks necessary. It's what we do.


 

Q: Who is this Scott Larsen guy I've been reading about on the IBOAI website?
A: He's the devil. He eats live babies you know.

Q: What? Oh my goodness. That's horrible!
A: He also hates Quixtar, democracy, vegetables, puppies and Taylor Hicks.

Q: What a despicable man.
A: Wait, there's more. He's also a petty man who thinks Jody Victor is ugly and doesn't mind saying so on his website. He's openly attacked Jody Victor's appearance.

Q: I'm so disgusted. Jody's a beautiful, sexy man and anyone who attacks his appearance must have some real problems.
A: Oh, he's got problems alright. And his website is all a bunch of lies.

Q: Really? All lies? Then how does he keep it up?
A: Well, the IBOAI hasn't figured out how to prove that it's all lies yet but their Truthiness Department is working on that day and night. Day and night.

Q: Well, thanks for the info and I'll be sure to lock my doors tonight in case Larsen is in the neighborhood.
A: Good idea. And you might want to put some bear traps out in your yard because I heard he changes into a chupacabra after Midnight.

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May 19, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 50

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: I'm so excited that Quixtar is tops in April site performance according to Internet Retailer!
Answer: Yeah. It's a pretty exciting accomplishment to be sure. Did you have a question?

Q: Yes. Can you explain the specific significance of being tops in site performance?
A: Well, it basically means that visitors to Quixtar.com can download an average of 41.99 bytes per second.

Q: Ok. I have no idea what that means.
A: It means that Quixtar is a fast-loading site.

Q: Well, good. I knew it had to be something good because Quixtar was at the top of the list.
A: It's not all so good. Unfortunately Quixtar rated below average in the Quality rating.

Q: Oh. But fast-loading sites are important right?
A: Sure. It's good to have a fast-loading site though this is the first time the Help Desk™ has ever seen such a benchmark. Reports showing site traffic and time spent per visit are some of the more commonly used benchmarks.

Q: How is Quixtar doing in those areas?
A: Not sure about time on pages but overall traffic has been declining for about the last three years.

Q: But it's tops in April.
A: Yes, it's tops in April.


 

Q: I'm in the market for a new car and was wondering if you have any suggestions?
A: Funny you should ask. Quixtar just unveiled a brand new vehicle called the QuixCar.

Q: Really? That sounds cool. What's it look like?
A: It's an all-white car though there are a few brown models available if you know where to look. It has multi-levels, the passengers sit on the bottom level and the driver sits up top. On the bumper you have your choice of Ichthys, with either the word Jesus or the symbol of a crucifix inside.

Q: Awesome! What about the sound system?
A: Oh, it's state-of-the-art. Comes with a 500 disc CD changer pre-loaded with a selection of Quixtar motivational CDs personally selected by Jody Victor. There's also a tape deck for those golden oldies.

Q: Sweet. I'm totally drooling. How about the performance?
A: It's not a fast car but it's very steady. And it has a special feature called Circle Mode that will allow the car to drive around in circles for hours and hours.

Q: I love circles.
A: We know you do.

Q: Where can I buy one and how much does it cost?
A: Well, you can purchase one at Quixtar.com and the price is amazingly low though I must warn you, maintenance costs can be pretty expensive since only Quixtar can do the repairs. One guy spent over $10,000 just to get his brakes checked.

Q: Heck. I can't wait to get my new QuixCar. Anything from Quixtar has got to be good.
A: I'll second that.


 

Q: I'm so depressed. When I do a Google search for Quixtar the first page of results is mostly links to negative websites. Why is that?
A: Well, Quixtar is a large, successful corporation utilizing a non-traditional business method that is sometimes controversial and will naturally attract criticism.

Q: But Quixtar spends lots of money on search engine optimization, word of mouth marketing, search engine marketing, blogging, traditional advertising and supporting worthy causes so I just don't understand why there's so much negativity in search results.
A: It's easy to start a critical website. Most big businesses encounter the same type of negativity. It's the American way.

Q: But I searched for Amazon, eBay, Avon and Newegg and didn't see anything negative on the first page of Google results. And searches for Starbucks, Melaleuca and Dell only return a couple of links to negative sites. Why is that?
A: What about Wal-Mart? Lots of negative about Wal-Mart.

Q: Well, yeah but it is the largest employer in the U.S. and frankly some of the criticism is fair. What about Target? Nothing negative for that company. It just seems like Quixtar isn't doing enough to ensure that curious folks don't run into negative websites and that concerns me.
A: Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but Quixtar has started a new campaign called "Threaten to Sue All the Critics." Earlier this year the Quixtar execs brought in L. Ron Hubbard as a consultant on how to deal with critics and he advised them to put together a legal task force focused on scaring the critical websites into oblivion.

Q: Isn't L. Ron Hubbard that Scientology dude? I thought he was dead.
A: That's what they want you to think. No, he's very much alive. Lives in a bunker in Colorado with Elvis and Walt Disney.

Q: So, you think this "Threaten to Sue All the Critics" will work?
A: Absolutely. TSAC can't possibly fail with Jody Victor behind it.

Q: Good. I'll sleep better tonight.
A: So will I my young friend. So will I.

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May 12, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 49

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: Where the hell has the Help Desk™ been? I've been trying to get through for weeks!
Answer: The Help Desk™ was helping Wolfgang Petersen make final edits to Poseidan.

Q: Really? A Help Desk™ was editing a summer blockbuster with acclaimed director Wolfgang Petersen? Why?
A: Well, I would say we acted in an advisory capacity while he was doing the editing. He asked us to advise him because of our association with Quixtar.

Q: Why? Is he into Multi-Level Marketing or something?
A: Oh, no. Not at all. He wanted people who understood what it was like to try to survive inside a sinking ship.

Q: Gotcha.
A: Thanks for the nice setup by the way.


 

Q: That dang Quixtar Blog thang looks all silly and such. What happened to them big ole glaring eyes? And what's with this gosh-dern spikey headed orange guy?
A: It's a redesign. Haven't you been reading the messages about the new design?

Q: I tried but my glasses was busted and now I keep getting distracted by the porn.
A: The porn? There's no porn on the new Quixtar BLOG.

Q: Well what's that... oh MY GAWD! Help me!
A: What? What's wrong? What happened?

Q: My eyes! I just saw something that is burning my eyes. I can't look at that horridness. Foul! Curses!
A: Dude. Just don't look at the porn. Close your browser. You're not on Quixtar BLOG. You must have accidentally gone to some other site. What does it say in the address bar?

Q: Uh... hard to concentrate wilst this abomination is on my screen. Lessee. Address bar says some webraw something. Webraw.com.
A: Hmmmm. Well that seems to be the right site. Can you describe what you're seeing?

Q: It's some woman talking to a group of people at a podium or...
A: Ah, you're at the right site. That's Birdie Yager on YouTube.

Q: Well, make it stop. It's hurting my brain.
A: Close the browser and step away from your computer.


 

Q: Hi. I'm looking for a lawyer. I have special needs and need a ruthless lawyer. One who won't bat an eye at threatening a grandmother with a defamation lawsuit. Got any suggestions?
A: What kind of needs do you have for such a ruthless lawyer?

Q: Let's just say that I don't have to watch the Sopranos to know about mob life.
A: Oh, ok. Well, have you tried Jody Victor's lawyer, Mr. Abraham. He loves sending threatening letters to grandmothers. Even ones related to the founders of his employer's business.

Q: That's pretty low-down. I'll look him up. Thanks.
A: Well, I'm not sure how low-down it is. I mean he is a lawyer after all.

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February 3, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 48

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: My friend invited me to a Diamond Rally tonight. What is that exactly?
Answer: Well, the phrase has its origins in the Latin "Dia" which means God and "Mound" which means large pile of dirt. The word "Rally" literally means to "jump around like a complete fool."

Q: That doesn't really tell me much unless you're saying that it's a thing where God jumps around like a fool on a mound of dirt.
A: Precisely! That's what it is.

Q: Are you sure about that?
A: Some etymologists believe the phrase comes from the Choctaw Indians who once held events called "Deemond Rhellees" which were basically opportunities for the tribe to consume lots of marijuana and peyote.

Q: Oh. So this is like a drug party or something?
A: Hell, I really don't know either. Ask Ty Tribble, he seems to know all about Diamond Rallies.


 

Q: There seems to be a problem. Quixtar has violated my rights by using my name and I need to contact a lawyer to file a lawsuit.
A: Ok. What's your name?

Q: Quixtar.
A: Really? That's your given name?

Q: Yeah. The name my mother gave me nearly four decades ago.
A: That's wild. So you want to sue Quixtar? On what grounds?

Q: They stole my name and now wherever I go people laugh at me or glare at me and generally treat me badly.
A: Everywhere? I'd have thought that at least around Western Michigan you'd be welcomed with a name like Quixtar. Don't the IBOs like you?

Q: No. Nobody likes me.
A: Strange. That's really too bad. I'll see what I can do. Let me get your full name.

Q: Quixtar B. Amway II.
A: Ah, now I see the problem.


 

Q: Hey, I thought the Help Desk™ was going to EDC.
A: Yeah. They are... I mean we are.

Q: Are you really with the Help Desk™?
A: Of course I am.

Q: Prove it.
A: Ok. Ask me a question.

Q: What is the secret ingredient put in every can of XS?
A: Retsin!

Q: Nope. It's soylent green.
A: Ewwwww. Soylent Green is made from people.

Q: So, really. Who are you?
A: I'm Jody Victor. Couldn't make it to EDC this year so I decided to help out at the Help Desk™.

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January 21, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 47

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: Is it true that the Kia guy running the "Real Quixtar Blog" is really a public relations manager at Quixtar?
Answer: Yeah. His name is Robin Luymes and rumor has it he can make a mean rhubarb pie!

Q: I love rhubarb pie!
A: Who doesn't? It's so tangy and sweet. Like a slice of heaven you can eat.

Q: No doubt. So why did it take Luymes nearly 18 months to publicly share his identity as the "blog's" author?
A: I think he was busy perfecting his rhubarb pie recipe and just kept putting off the big announcement.

Q: But, why does his big "outing" post seem so defensive?
A: Because he's very sensitive about his "blog." Some people apparently claim it's not really a blog and I think it hurts his feelings because his life-long dream has been to be a super-cool blogger like Jason Kottke or Glenn Reynolds.

Q: But does his "blog" have permalinks?
A: No.

Q: Trackbacks?
A: No.

Q: An automatic archiving system?
A: Apparently not.

Q: An RSS feed?
A: No.

Q: Does his "blog" ping Weblogs.com or Technorati or any other similar service?
A: No.

Q: Does he update it infrequently with self-righteous musings that overstate his own importance while putting down those who disagree with his opinions and observations?
A: Yep!

Q: Ah Ha! So it is a blog after all.
A: Apparently so.


 

Q: Again with the tardy Help Desk™?
A: Wha? Tardy? Isn't this Friday?

Q: No, it's not. You know damn well that it's Saturday.
A: Ummm...

Q: Let me guess. You were building a time machine? Or, you were in Malaysia and got your days mixed up?
A: Well...

Q: Out partying?
A: To be honest, we were all getting ready for Executive Diamond Club (password protected) in Kauai, Hawaii. The entire Help Desk™ staff gets to go! Check out the video and slideshow for EDC. It's gorgeous!

Q: Wow! That's fantastic. I wish I could go.
A: Keep working and one day maybe you can go! Diamond forever baby!


 

Q: Don't you think it's odd that Jody Victor is the only tool business owner on the This Biz Now website? Especially considering that he's not a big fan of This Biz Now and the fact that he's currently got a little "thing" going on with Scott Larsen.
A: Ummm... no. He's a success story and so it's only fitting that he's on the "Profiles of Success" page.

Q: But why is Victor getting all the love? Why not Orrin Woodward or Fred Harteis or Billy Florence or even Casey Combden?
A: Because none of them have cool last names like Victor!

Q: Ah, good point. Victor is a sweet last name. To the Victor go the spoils.
A: That Jody, he's truly a Victor.

Q: Yeah. Can't do much with Woodward.
A: Or Florence. Only images Florence brings to mind are Florence Henderson of the Brady Bunch and Florence, Italy.

Q: Florence, Italy isn't a bad image.
A: No, it's not but it sure can't compare to Victor.

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January 13, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 46

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


 

Question: I got what looks like a pair of women's underwear in my box of Incredible Edibles. Are they edible?
Answer: Hold up. You found underwear in with your XS Energy drinks and Nutrilite?

Q: XS? Nutrilite? No, this is a box full of edible items like a tiny log cabin, a necklace, some sort of hat and what appears to be women's underwear.
A: Oh. I don't think that's Quixtar's new "Incredible Edibles." Does the box have any writing on the side?

Q: Yeah, but it's all in Korean and has a picture of a rabbit riding on a donkey.
A: Yeah. That's definitely not Quixtar. If the picture had been a monkey riding a goat, well that would be something to consider but Quixtar definitely does not use rabbits and donkeys as logos. What color are those underpants anyway?

Q: Mfffmph... Buh whuh wed.
A: Huh? Can't understand... hey! You're not eating them are you?

Q: Yeb.
A: Ewwwww.


 

Q: Looks like Jody Victor's really going after Scott Larsen huh?
A: They be a-feudin'.

Q: This is a strange new tactic don't you think?
A: There's a method to the madness. Victor is going after Larsen on things like his pin level and whether or not some picture got PhotoShopped. That's merely a diversion. Victor doesn't want anyone to know that he's really a Super-Robot who can fly, move at super-sonic speeds and emit an electo-magnetic pulse from his fingertips.

Q: Whoa! I had no idea. That's wicked awesome! How can he keep his super-secret from IBOs?
A: Well, he's a very advanced model. A prototype actually. Amway developed a robotics program back in the '60s to produce a "Home Helper Bot" that would do housecleaning. The technology from that program was enhanced and, after many revisions, produced the Victor-Bot. If you watch his eyes, you'll notice that he never blinks. That's because of Robot-Vision.

Q: Are you sure he's a robot? I mean that's cool but it sounds sort of far-fetched. Just hard to believe.
A: Well, I can't prove it but I can say that the newest member of the Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go is named Jody V. Isn't that enough proof?

Q: I love that show! I'll love it even more with Jody V.
A: You betcha!


 

Q: Was Jim Payne on the Today Show a couple of weeks ago?
A: He certainly was. He was there for less than a minute promoting the generous $2.2 million toy donation Quixtar made to the Toy Drive.

Q: Wow. That's awesome. Wish I'd seen it. You think it's available on iTunes?
A: Probably not.

Q: Wonder how many iPods I could buy with $2.2 million.
A: A bunch I'm sure.

Q: What else has Jim Payne been up to?
A: He's often spotted at the Starbuck's at what used to be Woody's Market on Ada Drive. It's now called something else but I forget what. The little secret is that he always puts BIG tips in the tip jar. Drops twenties like they were quarters.

Q: What a generous man!
A: True dat.

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January 6, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 45

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

 


Question: I can't figure out how to use the new Quixtar message center.
Answer: Well, it's pretty simple. If you have a message it displays that message and you read it.

Q: How do I know if I have a message? Does a light blink or something?
A: Ummm... It will say that you have a message.

Q: Well, right now it says "No messages."
A: Right. Ok.

Q: So how do I get my messages?
A: You don't have any to get.

Q: Right. So what am I doing wrong?
A: Is this Orrin Woodward again?

Q: No, Jody Victor.
A: Ah. That makes more sense.

 


 

Q: Orrin Woodward is a sexy man.
A: Pardon?

Q: He's lost a lot of weight and is looking really hot right now. Have you seen him lately?
A: I guess not.

Q: Check him out now compared to how he looked a couple of years ago. He's a genuine stud-muffin.
A: Wow. He has cleaned up nicely. Doesn't look like The Beaver anymore.

Q: Where can I get a full-size, lifelike poster of Orrin? I want to put it in my room to help motivate me.
A: Maybe try the Team store?

Q: K, thanks!
A: Sure.


 

Q: I'm thinking of changing my name to Bo Terhune Douglas. How do I do that?
A: Uhhhh...

Q: I can do that right?
A: I suppose. Why?

Q: Because they're my heroes.
A: Who?

Q: Bo Short, Marshall Douglas and John Terhune. Combining their names to create a name for me would be a perfect homage to the men I look up to and admire. Besides, I hate the name I got now.
A: And what is your name?

Q: Jody Dexter Kosage.
A: Ack! I should have seen that coming!

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December 30, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - New Year Editiion

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. However, this Friday there will be no Help Desk™ as the staff prepare for New Year celebrations. While you're waiting for next week's exciting installment, please use the comments to discuss the absurdity of locking one of the two doors that lead into and out of a business.

Which door is locked? Is it the right? The left? Is there a sign? Why have two doors, side-by-side, if you're going to keep one permanently locked? Does it make locking up at the end of the day that much quicker? Or is it so the proprietor can silently chuckle as customers occasionally slam into the locked door, dropping bags and fumbling with car keys?

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December 23, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - Christmas Edition

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

 


Question: Why isn't Santa a Quixtar Diamond?
Answer: Hmmmmm... Maybe because he's not real?

Q: Hey! Hey! Stop that crazy talk. Of course Santa's real.
A: Come on. There's no way some dude could fly around and deliver presents to all those children in one night. You can't be serious.

Q: I'm totally serious. You know why? Because I believe! I believe in something bigger than myself. I learned long ago that if you just believe enough the facts don't matter.
A: Wow, where have I heard that before? Hmmm.

Anyway. So Santa's real and you want to know why he's not a Quixtar Diamond. I'll play along. Maybe because he lives at the North Pole and doesn't have much of an opportunity to show the plan. And when he does get out he's usually interacting with children who can't join Quixtar.

How's that?

Q: Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Do you think Santa drinks XS Energy Drinks?
A: I can't do this. No! No, Santa doesn't drink XS. He drinks heavily spiked Egg Nogg and eats lots pork. Good grief.

Q: Ummm... you're a real Scrooge.
A: Bah humbug. Get lost.

 


 

Q: I've got this awesome idea for Quixtar. It's killer man.
A: Oh boy! What is it?

Q: PV/BV gift cards.
A: Ummmmm...

Q: You know, like those cards you get at Best Buy or a restaurant or something...
A: I'm familiar with gift cards but why would you want to put PV/BV on a gift card?

Q: Think about it. Your struggling downline needs an extra 350 PV to hit the 1,000 PV mark. So, you give them a PV/BV gift card with 350 PV and 1,000 BV.
A: How much would it cost?

Q: That's the great thing. Since there are no products to manufacture Quixtar can offer the cards at a higher PV rate than the products. So a 350 PV card would cost you $500.
A: Not bad, not bad at all.

Q: They probably would only be popular around birthdays and holidays.
A: Good point. But this could be huge.

Q: So, you think it's a good idea?
A: Send the suggestion in to Jim Payne.


 

Q: Have you seen the new Quixtar Message Center?
A: Yep.

Q: Pretty cool huh?
A: Yep.

Q: Looks a lot like the thing on that QBlog site doesn't it?
A: Yep.

Q: That's an interesting coincidence isn't it?
A: Yep.

Q: Well, nice chatting with you.
A: Yep.

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December 16, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 42

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

 


Question: I absolutely LOVE Ageless Xtra and I want to join up with Oasis. What do I need to do?
Answer: What's with all the Oasis LifeSciences questions? Sheesh. Do you have $1,285 handy?

Q: I think so. I'll check with my wife but I think I can spare that for this business.
A: Great. There are cheaper options but I think the $1,285 sign up package is what everyone recommends. And of course you've quit at least two other Multi-Level Marketing businesses in the past 15 years right?

Q: What? No. What are you talking about?
A: Oasis doesn't allow anyone to join unless they've quit at least two other MLMs. Didn't you know that?

Q: No I didn't know that. That's absurd! Are you sure about that?
A: Absolutely. Marshall Douglas. Al Keranen. Bo Short. Ty Tribble. The list goes on and on.

Q: What about Joe Land?
A: He's a special case because he also ran his own tool business for a few years.

Q: Hmmm. Well I sent off one of those chain letters in grade school and my sister was in Avon for a few years. Does that count?
A: No, I'm afraid not. Sorry.

Q: Damn. Well, I can at least be a customer and buy the Ageless Xtra right?
A: Only if you can answer positively to the following question: Do you believe that Ponce de Leon was really looking for the fountain of youth?

Q: Sure, I guess.
A: Ok, you can be a customer.

 


 

Q: My upline can kick your upline's butt!
A: This is the Help Desk™, we don't have uplines here.

Q: Oh. Well he could still kick your butt.
A: That's nice to know. Why the hostility.

Q: I'm just sick of the other kids always putting down Quixtar and saying it's a baby business. It's not a baby business. It's the greatest business in the world and great people like my upline are building it every day.
A: Baby business? What kids? How old are you?

Q: Nine.
A: Ok. Don't you mean your parent's upline?

Q: No, my parents won't join. I'm talking about my upline.
A: Aren't you a little young to be an IBO?

Q: My upline says I'm showing great potential. I just give him half my allowance each week and I get an IBOAI coloring book, some "Freedom" trading cards and XS Cherry Blast.
A: Is your upline in BWW?

Q: Yeah.
A: Figures.


 

Q: Did you go to Achievers in Dallas?
A: No. We weren't invited and most of us at the Help Desk™ are a little miffed.

Q: Well, I just got back and it was a blast. Sorry you missed it.
A: We made our own fun up here at the Help Desk™ headquarters.

Q: What did you do?
A: We played Kingpin Charades. Acted out different Quixtar Kingpins and tried to guess which one it was.

Q: That sounds like a lot of fun.
A: It was. And it's really fun after downing a couple of bottles of Goldschlager.

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December 9, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 41

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

 


Question: Do you know how totally freakin' pumped up I am right now?
Answer: Uh, no. Did you just work out or something?

Q: No man. I mean pumped up for this business. I'm absolutely on fire right now. I'm going Diamond in like three months. I'm FIRED UP!
A: Right...

Q: I just showed the plan five times last night. Five damn times in one night. I did it four times the night before. I'll be platinum by Christmas baby.
A: That's nice.

Q: What? You don't believe me? You doubt my skills? I got the fever man and ain't no stopping me. I listen to more CDs in one day than probably anyone else on the planet. I'm the Rocky Balboa of Quixtar!
A: Yeah. I believe you. That's great. How can I help you?

Q: Help me? Help me? I should be helping YOU! I don't need no help man.
A: Well, you did call the Help Desk™ didn't you?

Q: Oh. Uh... yeah. I guess I did. Hmmmm. Well, can I get a refund on some XS? I didn't like the Rootbeer Blast stuff too much.
A: Platinum by Christmas huh? Yes, I can help you get a refund. What's your IBO number?

Q: IBO number. That. Hmmmm. Well, there's this funny story and you know, I really totally forgot what my number is and I don't have it written down anywhere so I was hoping you could look it up for me.
A: I see. This may take a little while. Let me transfer you to my supervisor.

Q: Great. Uh... thanks.
A: No prob.

 


 

Q: So what's up with that Jacey Wyatt chic? Is she some ultra-hot IBO or what?
A: Her body's great but dude, I'm sorry, she's got a man-face.

Q: I wasn't looking at her face. Know what I mean?
A: I know exactly what you mean but you can't deny that she's got a butter face.

Q: Butter face? What's that?
A: You know. Butter face. Everything but-her-face is attractive.

Q: Oh man that's harsh. So is she a scantily-clad IBO or what?
A: I'm not sure. It looks like the press release was changed. I swear it had her IBO number on it at one point.

Q: Well, she's definitely hot and if she is an IBO, I'd want to be in her downline.
A: I wouldn't mind being personally sponsored by her one bit. Recruit me baby.


 

Q: I heard that Oasis LifeSciences has this elixir that gets rid of crabs. Where can I get some of that?
A: I'm not sure what you're talking about. This is the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ and we sort of deal with Quixtar questions. Not Oasis.

Q: So you don't know where I can get the patented Crab-Away formula?
A: Sorry. Afraid not.

Q: Damn. I really need some. See I got this really bad infestation...
A: That's enough. I really don't need to know about your crab problem.

Q: It itches like crazy and nothing I try has worked. I'm desperate and I know Oasis products work. I used some of their exclusive Herpes-Be-Gone on my girlfriend last year and it got rid of her herpes.
A: Dude. You can't get rid of herpes.

Q: Herpes-Be-Gone got rid of it. I'm not kidding. She used that stuff and in like a week it was all cleared up.
A: Right. You know it usually clears up in about a week anyway. But the virus does not die. It just lays dormant.

Q: Oh. Really?
A: Yeah. Really.

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December 2, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 40

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

 


Question: Has the Help Desk™ staff enjoyed their free time during the server migration?
Answer: Heck yeah. We learned how to play Texas Holdem and boy is that a fun game.

Q: So you just played poker the whole time?
A: Pretty much. We also played craps and canasta but I think everyone will agree that Texas Holdem is much more entertaining.

Q: So I take it you won?
A: Well, let's just say that Lance will be mowing my lawn every summer for the next five years.

Q: Sweetness.
A: You know it.


 

Q: I'm looking for a really great business opportunity. Can you help?
A: Have you considered Quixtar?

Q: Yeah. I actually did Quixtar for a couple of years but didn't really like it. I'm looking for something better. Any suggestions?
A: Well, have you looked at Passport?

Q: Yeah. I signed up last year and liked it alright but it just didn't seem to fit my style. I need a business where I could make a lot of money real fast. Besides, I hear Passport is closing shop soon.
A: Oh yeah, I think I heard something about that the other day. Well, you could try Oasis LifeSciences.

Q: My girlfriend is doing that and the money seems ok but it costs like $1,200 to join up! Where am I going to get that kinda bread?
A: I know what you could do. A chain letter. They're pretty cheap to start up and you can earn thousands in no time at all. Have you considered chain letters?

Q: Hmmm. Now there's a thought. How much are stamps going for these days?
A: Only 37 cents brotha. Only 37 cents.


 

Q: This guy in my downline keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. What should I do?
A: Ok, first question. Are you male or female?

Q: Uh, can't you tell by my voice?
A: No. You sound like a cross between Kathleen Turner and Harvey Fierstein so it could go either way. You smoke don't you?

Q: Yes, I do smoke and I'm a 45-year-old man. So, what should I do?
A: Well, the answer should be pretty simple unless you're gay. Are you gay?

Q: No, of course not. I mean, I don't hate gay people or anything. Well, see there was this one time in college... but I didn't really like it too much.
A: Uh huh.

Q: Seriously. I'm not gay. But he is a really nice guy and he is my fastest growing leg. This guy could help me get Diamond by next August.
A: So, you're considering sleeping with him even though you're not gay?

Q: Diamond man. I'm talking DIAMOND!
A: I'd still have to say "don't do it" but it's entirely your call man.

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October 28, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 39

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

 


Question: Where was Help Desk™ last week?
Answer: It was here... wasn't it?

Q: No. It definitely was not here. I looked, twice, and it wasn't here.
A: Last week. What was going on last week? Oh, that's right. We were in St. John's, Newfoundland setting up the Canadian Help Desk™.

Q: Really. Well, I missed you guys.
A: And gals.

Q: And gals. So did you get it all set up?
A: Actually, it didn't go so well and that's part of the reason we weren't back sooner. See, Newfies aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer if you get my meaning. We ended up hiring a couple of temps from Bulgaria to answer the phones. They can barely speak English but at least they talk into the correct end of the phone.

Q: Wow. You going back any time soon?
A: We have to. A Newfie named Larry got lost on the way to the washroom and so we're organizing a volunteer search party to find him. Nobody's seen him since last Friday.


 

Q: I heard that there's going to be a new cooking show on Independent Television featuring Jayson Blair. Is this true?
A: No, that's Jason Roberts.

Q: The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?
A: No, that's John Roberts. This guy's a famous chef. He's from "down under."

Q: Well cool. I will have to watch that. And he's only going to be using iCook products? That would be fantastic exposure.
A: Let's not get carried away. This is Independent Television (formerly PAX) which, according to Nielsen, is viewed by an average of 30-40 people every week. This is not the Food Network.

Q: But still, it's on TV and that's cool. I absolutely love iCook Cookware and am excited that others will see this wonderful product on display.
A: Yeah. It's really cool. You know the story behind the iCook selection right? The show has an I theme. Jason Roberts only uses products that start with the letter I. And all the dishes he prepares, start with the letter I.

Q: That's unique.
A: I think he's making Iguana Burgers on his second show.


 

Q: I heard that Quixtar is recalling Nutrilite Kids Brainiums. Is that true?
A: No. Don't be ridiculous. Why would Quixtar recall Brainiums?

Q: The rumor I heard was that kids hate the way Brainiums taste. Apparently they taste a lot like cod liver oil.
A:No. They taste like lemon drops. I think your information is bad.

Q: Well, have you actually tasted them?
A: No. But I'm sure they're fine.

Q: Are you sure? Are you? And I bet you're sure that bag of dog food you bought last night really tastes like lamb and rice huh? You assume an awful lot don't you Mr. Tastee?
A: Right. What difference does it make what my dog food tastes like? Look, there is no Brainiums recall. End of story.

Q: Have you ever tasted that dog food? Have you? I have and it does not taste like lamb and rice. It tastes like salty cardboard which is nothing like lamb and rice.
A: You eat dog food?

Q: Sometimes... I mean no. I taste dog food. You're missing my point. How do you know Brainiums tastes like lemon drops until you try them?
A: No, I got your point. You eat dog food. That's the point. Good-bye.

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October 14, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 38

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: Is Quixtar really killing Blu Sphere?
Answer: Yes indeedy.

Q: But why? I loved Blu Sphere. It was so trendy and hip.
A: Rumor is that Orrin Woodward slipped on a Blu Sphere catalog and almost broke his neck. He became so enraged that he called up Jim Payne and demanded that Blu Sphere be axed ASAP.

Q: Slipped on a catalog?
A: Yeah. Apparently the floor of his den is littered with Quixtar catalogs. He walked in, slipped and you know the rest.

Q: Wow. So that's all it took to get rid of Blu Sphere?
A: Apparently so. And you know Jody Victor stubbed his toe on a stack of Sweet Sixteen brochures.

Q: Aha. Thus the demise of Sweet Sixteen.
A: Yes indeedy.


 

Q: I'm not sure my Atmosphere Toaster is working right. Can you help?
A: Uh... toaster?

Q: Yeah. I keep putting bread into the slot but nothing happens. It just sits there.
A: Dude, it's NOT a toaster. It's an air purifier.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Yes, I'm sure. Look on the side. See where it says "Air Purifier?"

Q: Oh, I thought that was French for "Insert Bread Here."
A: No, it's English for Air Purifier.

Q: Well that makes more sense. I was wondering why a toaster cost nearly $1,000.
A: Right.


 

Q: Is Quixtar advertising now?
A: Quixtar doesn't advertise.

Q: So, what was that thing I saw in USA Today?
A: That looked a lot like advertising but it wasn't.

Q: Ok. Then what was it?
A: You know that plastic fruit the put in bowls? It looks real but it isn't. You want to eat it, but it will only hurt your teeth if you do. It's like that.

Q: I don't understand.
A: Well, think of it this way. The USA Today is a car and we just put a bumper sticker on our car. That's not really advertising as much as it's decorating our car.

Q: That makes absolutely no sense. Quixtar paid to have that "bumper sticker" on the "car." That's advertising in my book.
A: Well, you're wrong. It's not advertising. It's like the Super Bowl commercial Quixtar's running next year. It's not advertising as much as it's sharing our message with the world.

Q: Uh huh. Quixtar's in the Super Bowl?
A: Oh, I don't think I was supposed to mention the Super Bowl thing.

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October 7, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 37

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

However, this Friday the Farcical Help Desk™ staff is taking a break to drive down to Florida to see Dolphins sing the theme to Batman. The staff is determined to teach the Dolphins to sing the theme to Love Boat.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

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September 30, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 36

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: I heard that Quixtar is just an Order Consolidation Site, is that true?
Answer: That's right.

Q: So what's Quixtar's specific role as an OCS?
A: Well, Quixtar consolidates orders for the IBO.

Q: Yeah, what does that mean exactly?
A: As an OCS Quixtar can sign agreements with Merchant Partners and offer Exclusive Brands. The OCS also offers outstanding technology to IBOs and administers the compensation plan.

Q: So Quixtar is sort of like a vendor, supplying products and services to IBOs for a fee?
A: Pretty much, yeah.

Q: So it's not like a franchise then?
A: No. I mean yes. I mean, well this is confusing. Think of it like a franchise vending machine. You put your quarters in the slot and Quixtar drops the bag of chips into that hole.

Q: That doesn't make any sense. How does that "vending machine" consolidate orders?
A: Well, if lots of people come to the vending machine, then that vending machine can save money by consolidating those bags of chips.

Q: Ok, but most vending machines don't require me to contractually abide by 95 pages of rules before I get a bag of chips.
A: They're really good chips man.

Q: You really don't have any idea what you're talking about do you?
A: *Sigh* I'm sorry. You're right. I just get paid to answer the phones and say what's written on these index cards. I usually get bored and draw pictures of fuzzy animals on them.


 

Q: I was drinking water yesterday...
A: Me too! I love water. So refreshing.

Q: Yes it is. Anyway, I was sipping my water and thought that it would be great if it were magnetized. Do you think Quixtar could make magnetized water?
A: Well, I'm no physicist but I'd say probably not.

Q: But don't you think it would be awesome if Quixtar figured out a way to put the power of Magna Bloc into some bottled spring water? I'd buy that!
A: No, I don't. Why would I want to put magnetized water into my body?

Q: To heal it. To cure what ails ya. For the health benefits.
A: What health benefits?

Q: You know. All the great stuff that magnets do for our bodies. I mean, it's magnets. MAGNETS!
A: Bye.


 

Q: I'm a Quixtar critic and I'm tired of criticizing Quixtar. Any suggestions for something else I could critize?
A: Have you tried politics?

Q: Been done to death. And politics bore me anyway.
A: How about sports?

Q: Again, everyone's doing that. I want something unique and original to criticize.
A: What about Mothers Against Drunk Driving?

Q: Wow. That's genius. An organization that's so respected and beloved that it's almost heresy to even think of criticizing. I love it!
A: Yeah. Or, the Humane Society. Or Doctors Without Borders.

Q: Excellent! Or... wait. I just got a great idea. How about if I criticize infants!!! Nobody's doing that. I'd OWN infant criticism man.
A: Dude, you're good. That's brilliant. And what's with those damn babies anyway? Always demanding stuff with their crying. Give me a break!

Q: Oh yeah. I can totally see this. I Hate Infants.com
A: And the diaper changing. Yuck. Change your own damn poop-filled diapers you selfish jerks!

Q: And feed yourself for once. Geez. Why do I always have to feed your fat face?
A: So when can you start this?

Q: I'm launching it next weekend. Thanks for your help.
A: No, no. Thank YOU. You've inspired me.

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September 23, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 35

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: I was up all night reading Scott Larsen's website and boy does he have a lot of info about Quixtar or what?
Answer: He's gay you know. A flaming queen.

Q: No, I had no idea. Well, it figures I guess.
A: Eric Scheibeler's gay too.

Q: Really? The Merchants of Deception guy?
A: Yeah. So is Dave Touretzky, Don Hargraves and Ruth Carter.

Q: Wow, so much homosexuality. Surely all Quixtar critics aren't gay... are they? What about that Quixtar BLOG guy?
A: Queer as a three dollar bill.

Q: No kidding?
A: No kidding. And the list goes on and on. Bo Short, Don J. Lorencz and Bruce Anderson — all gay.

Q: That's just unbelievable. So, pretty much anyone who says anything critical about Quixtar is gay?
A: Pretty much. Did I mention that Dan Margolies and Rob Kirkbride are gay too? And the entire staff of Dateline NBC is also gay.

Q: Right. Are you sure you don't have some freaky McCarthy-styled homophobic obsession?
A: Hmmmmm. You look like you're a little light in the loafers yourself.

Q: What the hell? You're saying I'm gay because I ask a question?
A: Thought I smelled something fruity.


 

Q: Ish dis da hep deshk?
A: Yes it is. What seems to be the problem?

Q: I tell you wusha poblem. Damn Misserans, Mizzorans, doze Show me shtate retahds. Das da poblem.
A: You have a problem with people from Missouri?

Q: Damn shraight I gossa problem. Don't nunna dem know bout lawyerin. Bunsha hillbillies.
A: Excuse me, are you drunk?

Q: Wasshit to yew? Yeah. So what if I am drunk? Ain't no law gainst drinkin in Ohio. Judge Dorr can shove it!
A: The caller ID says you're calling from a "Jody Victor" residence. Are you related to him?

Q: *click*
A: ...


 

Q: So a Quixtar employee outed himself? What's up with that?
A: Who knows. It's Quixtar dude. Enough said.

Q: But what is this "Scion blog" anyway? It's not even about Quixtar.
A: Right. It's about some new car but it was written "anonymously" by Quixtar's Sr. Digital Art Director, hence the connection to Quixtar.

Q: But it's not even on the list of officially sanctioned Quixtar blogs.
A: I know. I think he felt left out and wanted to feel special.

Q: But doesn't he know that he is special? He's a special creation of God and has unique gifts to give to the world.
A: Maybe, maybe not. I really think he's just having a little fun. Probably not enough of that since Mr. Fun left Quixtar.

Q: Oh right. So what exactly is a Scion?
A: I think it's one of those hybrid cars. Not really sure. Looks kinda like a Mini only not as cool.

Q: Gotcha. Well, I guess it's good that Quixtar employees are outing themselves. Any others following suit?
A: Oh yeah. Next week a certain high-profile Quixtar employee will out himself on the Queerty blog.

Q: Can I guess who it is?
A: Sure, but don't say Randy Bancino.

Q: Damn.
A: Talk to you later.

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September 9, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 34

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: Did you watch the football game last night?
Answer: I sure did. What a great game. Moss. Brady. Sapp. Dillon. Wow. Football season is back!

Q: Yeah, well who won?
A: Who won? You mean you didn't watch the game? Opening night! NFL. What on earth were you doing last night?

Q: Well, I was showing the plan to this keen couple I met at McDonald's last week. It went really well I think. The husband, his name is Andrew, asked me lots of questions.
A: Well good for you. Sorry you missed the game. It was fun and I'm one of those guys that really likes John Madden even if he is an idiot. Glad he's with Al Michaels now.

Q: He's not still with Pat Summerall?
A: Dude, Pat retired like a couple of years ago. Where you been? Madden's on ABC now.

Q: Oh, yeah. I think I remember hearing something about that. So is Dennis Miller still doing Monday Night Football?
A: Uh, yeah. And Rush Limbaugh is still on ESPN. Do you even watch football?

Q: Sure, I watch when I'm not building my business.
A: Right. Sure you do. Who won the Super Bowl last year?

Q: Ummm. Dallas?
A: Good-bye!


 

Q: I'm an IBO and I really want to go to FED but I just don't have enough money to go. Are there any discounted tickets available?
A: I don't think so. However, I know of a deal where non-IBOs get in free under certain conditions.

Q: Well, that doesn't help me... or does it?
A: Sure, I guess. You could resign your IBO-ship and then get the free tickets. Yeah, I guess that could work.

Q: That's brilliant! FED, here I come. Now, how do I resign as an IBO?
A: Not sure. I think you have to call Quixtar or something. I'll get back to you on that.


 

Q: So, Beth Dornan and Robin Luymes are writing blogs for Quixtar. Think anyone else will be "outed" anytime soon?
A: Yes. The authors of Quixtar IT Blog, Bob's Quixtar Blog, E-Marine, Biz-Owner and Quixtar Business IBO will all be outed very soon. It will be a grand event with lots of cake and punch.

Q: Wow, that's a lot of outing.
A: Sure is. There hasn't been a public outing like this since Ellen DeGeneres.

Q: So, how do you know who's behind all those blogs?
A: Well, let's just say that Ken McDonald didn't exactly "retire" and he's got a few axes to grind if you catch my drift.

Q: Aha!
A: Yeah, and it turns out that Orrin Woodward isn't really writing any of his blogs. They're all written by a 14-year-old boy in Sri Lanka named Eppi Tipsumfu.

Q: No kidding? That's weird.
A: Actually, a lot of the Quixtar-run blogs are published by students in India. It's part of Alticor's strategy to ship jobs to Asia.

Q: Maybe that explains the increase of Desi IBOs?
A: Could be. In fact, most of Quixtar's growth is attributed to minorities and ethnic groups, especially Hispanics.

Q: Really? That's cool. I hope Quixtar will start selling burritos then. I love me some burritos.
A: I think that's a racist comment.

Q: How so? I do love burritos.
A: Not sure but it seems like it's the wrong thing to say.

Q: I gotta go anyway. I'm sorry if I offended any Hispanics. But I eat at Taco Bell like twice a week.
A: Bye.

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September 2, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 33

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: I use SA8 With Bioquest for my laundry but I'm wondering if it's a good value. Is it?
Answer: Absolutely. SA8 With Bioquest is a magnificent value. Consider yourself lucky to even be allowed to use it.

Q: Ok, well good. And I do consider myself lucky. By the way, what is Bioquest?
A: Ah, excellent question. Bioquest is the secret ingredient that makes SA8 so magnificent. It's a complicated chemical compound that closely resembles chalk powder.

Q: So it looks like chalk powder... but precisely what is it?
A: Ah, you misunderstood. By "closely resembles" I meant that it is chalk powder. Ultra-hydrogenated chalk powder.

Q: I didn't realize chalk powder had any cleaning properties.
A: Well, most chalk powder doesn't but Quixtar mines this chalk powder from the deep, dark chalk mines of South Africa. And then Quixtar's scientists add extra hydrogen atoms to the chalk powder to enhance its natural cleaning properties.

Q: Interesting.
A: And of course each batch of Bioquest is blessed by a non-denominational priest.

Q: Well that's good to know. I was wondering why my clothes seemed so Holy.
A: Did I mention that its also makes a tasty desert topping?

Q: Now you're just being silly.
A: Oh, right. I guess I am. Silly. That's right. Just being silly.


 

Q: I'm an IBO and I want to have Extreme Freedom but it's really, really hard. Can you help?
A: Well of course it's hard. This is a business! How many hours a day are you sleeping?

Q: Ummm... Five or Six. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
A: Well, first off you're sleeping way too much. You want Extreme Freedom so you need to be extreme. You should be sleeping no more than two hours a day. You can sleep when you're Diamond. How many plans are you showing each week?

Q: Usually three or four. On the weekends I usually spend time with my family.
A: Three or four!!! In a week!?!? You need to quadruple that to 16 plans per week. Two per weekday and six each weekend. You can spend time with your family when you're Diamond.

Q: Well, that's discouraging. I'm not afraid of hard work but this is a lot to do and I don't know that I can survive on two hours sleep. I work 50 hours a week already.
A: You work for THE MAN at your J-O-B. Cut those hours down. Take longer lunches to show the plan then. Think outside the box. When you're tired, drink XS Energy Drinks! Take Double X! Get rid of that stinking thinking. How many CDs you listen to each week?

Q: About five. Should I listen to more?
A: Only five!?! Increase that to 20 during weekdays and 15 on the weekends.

Q: Goodness. That's 35 CDs each week. I'm not sure that's possible.
A: Of course it is. How do you think Larry Winters, Orrin Woodward and Tim Foley got where they are today?

Q: Ummm. By listening to 35 tapes a week, showing two plans every day and never sleeping?
A: That's right and look at them now! Now they sleep. Now they spend time with their family. Now they're enjoying that residual income. Now they only do what they want, when they want to do it. Now they are experiencing Extreme Freedom!


 

Q: So Kia is Robin Luymes, Manager of Public Relations for Quixtar?
A: Yep. Looks like it.

Q: Hmmmm. That's pretty sad. I mean, his blog freakin' sucks and he's like running Quixtar's public relations? Did he get his PR accreditation from a box of Cracker Jacks?
A: Easy now. He's really a good guy once you get to know him. And besides, he's not totally responsible for the disastrous "Real Quixtar Blog." You know he does report to Beth Dornan, Director of Communications.

Q: Oh yeah? Wouldn't that be a hoot if she also ran a blog?
A: She does.

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August 26, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 32

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: Where have you been? I've been trying to get through to the Help Desk™ for weeks!
Answer: The Help Desk™ staff has been helping Quixtar develop the This Biz Now website.

Q: Oh yeah, I heard of that. Cool site. So you're back now right?
A: No, this is actually a recording that just happens to provide surprisingly natural responses to your specific questions.

Q: And now you're mocking me. Very professional of you.
A: Yes, I'm mocking you. Sorry. Now what seems to be the trouble?

Q: Well, I heard a rumor that Quixtar is going to start selling some sort of Jewish energy drink. Is this true?
A: You should consult your upline and ask them for guidance.

Q: You can't just tell me if it's true or not?
A: Quixtar is very clear about rules compliance.

Q: Are you listening to me? Kabballah Energy Drink — is it for real?
A: Thank you for calling, please call back any time.

Q: Wait, this really is a recording isn't it?
A: You'll never know. Good-bye. *click*


 

Q: My teenage daughter wants to buy some stuff at Blu Sphere. Is it safe?
A: Is it safe? Ha! Does a monkey have a tail? Of course it's safe. It's Blu Sphere. A Quixtar partner store. Owned and developed by the good folks at Alticor.

Q: Oh good. That's a relief. So many creepy sites on the Internet, I just get worried.
A: Understandable. But don't you worry ma'am. Blu Sphere has been certified 100% creep-free. And did you know that Quixtar is also developing a Rhed Sphere and Yello Sphere?

Q: No, I didn't. What do they do?
A: Well, Rhed Sphere is targeted to couples who want a little spice in their relationships. It will sell adult toys, lotions, videos and related paraphernalia within a discreet and tasteful website.

Q: Yikes. That sounds creepy. I don't want my daughter around that.
A: Oh, don't worry. Your daughter won't be allowed access to the site and besides, it's been certified 100% creep-free too. But, if Rhed Sphere's not for you then you might like Yello Sphere.

Q: What's Yello Sphere?
A: It's a site that only sells Precious Moments figurines.

Q: Oh My Gosh. I LOVE Precious Moments! I have a curio full of them!
A: I thought so. I have a large collection too. Anyway, that's some of the things to look forward to from Quixtar. But Blu Sphere is absolutely safe.

Q: Thanks and I can't wait to use Yello Sphere!
A: We'll let you know when it launches.


 

Q: Yo, Help Desk!
A: You forgot the ™.

Q: Sorry dude. Yo, Help Desk™!
A: How can we help you?

Q: Who the hell is writing the drivel at the Real Quixtar Blog? Is that crap for real? It's awful! Like it's written by some navel-gazing retard. Is it written by a trained monkey?
A: Honestly, the Help Desk™ is not at liberty to discuss who is writing the RQB but we can say it is definitely NOT written by a monkey.

Q: Hmmm. So is it really written by someone at Quixtar or a paid stooge living in Bangladesh?
A: It really is written by someone at Quixtar. That may be hard to believe but it's true.

Q: Can I guess who it is?
A: Go for it.

Q: It's Randy Bancino. Am I warm?
A: That was a good guess but no. You're cold as ice.

Q: Well, I give up. I just really want to know who it is. Why doesn't Quixtar just tell us?
A: Because it's a proven fact that IBOs put most of their trust in anonymous people on the Internet.

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July 29, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 31

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: Hey, did you hear about that new multi-blogging software that posts stuff to thousands of blogs?
Answer: I'm not sure. What's it called?

Q: It's called Blog-Mothra and it's supposed to revolutionize the way you blog.
A: Interesting. So it could help people with their Quixtar business then?

Q: Absolutely. It allows you to customize your message to thousands of people with a fraction of the effort it would have taken to do it manually.
A: How much does it cost?

Q: Not much really. See, the great thing is that you make money from it. Each blog has Google Ads and when someone clicks them, you get paid. The more blogs you have, the more you get paid! It's that easy.
A: I dunno. It sounds a lot like spam.

Q: It's not spam you asshole. How dare you suggest such a thing. It's insulting.
A: I didn't suggest anything. I just stated the obvious. If you had a white Volkswagen beetle with the number 53 painted on it, would it be insulting if I said it looks sort of like Herbie the Love Bug?

Q: Yes, it would be insulting because it's clearly not Herbie the Love Bug.
A: Right. Well ok then. I'll check out Blog-Mothra and see what it's all about.

Q: Great. Just know that if you share your opinion about Blog-Mothra, that opinion better be positive or else.
A: Will do chief.


 

Q: Hey, did you hear about that new many-blogging application that publishes content to thousands of blogs?
A: I don't think so. What's it called?

Q: It's called Blog-Ghidrah and it's designed to change the way you blog.
A: Neat. So it could help people with their Avon business then?

Q: Absolutely. It allows you to customize your message to thousands of people with a fraction of the effort it would have taken to do it without Blog-Ghidrah.
A: What's the price?

Q: Not a lot. You see, the wonderful thing is that you earn cash from it. Each blog has Yahoo Ads and when someone clicks them, you get paid. The more blogs you have, the more cash you get! It's that simple.
A: I dunno. It sounds a lot like spam.

Q: It's not spam you punk. How dare you suggest such a thing. It's insulting.
A: I didn't suggest anything. I just stated the obvious. If you had a red 1969 Dodge Charger with a rebel battle flag painted on the top, would it be insulting if I said it looks sort of like the General Lee from Dukes of Hazard?

Q: Yes, it would be insulting because it's clearly not the General Lee.
A: Right. Well ok then. I'll check out Blog-Ghidrah and see what it's all about.

Q: Great. Just know that if you share your opinion about Blog-Ghidrah, that opinion should be positive or else.
A: Will do captain.


 

Q: Hey, did you hear about that new lotta-blogging application that publishes content to thousands of blogs?
A: I don't think so. What's it called?

Q: It's called Blog-Megalon and it's created to change the way you blog.
A: Keen. So it could assist people with their Passport business then?

Q: Definitely. It enables you to customize your posts to thousands of people with a fraction of the effort it would have taken to do it without Blog-Megalon.
A: What's the price?

Q: The cost is tiny. See, the cool thing is that you earn dollars from it. Each blog has Quigo Ads and when someone clicks them, you get dollars. The more blogs you have, the more dollars you get! Isn't that fun?
A: I dunno. It sounds a lot like spam.

Q: It's not spam you dork. How dare you suggest such a thing. It's insulting.
A: I didn't suggest anything. I just stated the obvious. If you had a black Trans Am with a glowing red light in the grill, would it be insulting if I said it looks sort of like KITT?

Q: Yes, it would be insulting because it's clearly not KITT.
A: Right. Well ok then. I'll check out Blog-Megalon and see what it's all about.

Q: Great. Just know that if you share your opinion about Blog-Megalon, that opinion should be glowing or else.
A: Will do boss.

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July 15, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 30

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: How can I get in touch with Randy Binnaca?
Answer: Randy who? I don't know a Randy Binnaca.

Q: Or maybe it's Randy Bandito? Bandana? Backgammon?
A: You're not talking about Randy Bancino, VP of Quixtar Sales & Marketing are you?

Q: That might be him. Is he a shortish bald guy?
A: Yes. That's him. Why do you want to get in touch with him?

Q: Well, I went to grad school with him at WMU and he sort of owes me money. See, there was this bitchin' keg party at Frank's and...
A: And you loaned him money for the keg right?

Q: No, nothing like that. See, Randy had a lot of fun. I mean a LOT of fun. I mean, well you get what I mean. It's still known as "The Randy Party." It's legendary at WMU. So there's this one guy there who brought a camera and he started taking a lot of pictures. Basically everything Randy did was on film. But nobody really thought about it until a week later Randy got this envelope in the mail.
A: Blackmail huh? And let me guess, he didn't have the money so you loaned him the cash to pay off the photographer guy right?

Q: No way, but close. See Randy knew this enforcer guy who worked for a loan shark and he asked him to "take care" of the photographer. So of course he didn't have the cash so I chipped in and... uh... let's just say there are no pictures now.
A: Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me Randy Bancino borrowed money from you to pay a thug to get rid of some incriminating photos? Bull. You're making this up aren't you? You don't even know Randy do you?

Q: What? No. Why would you say that? Of course I know Randy. We go way back.
A: What is the shape of the birthmark on the back of his neck?

Q: Looks like the island of Madagascar.
A: Wrong you liar. It looks like Scotland! Admit it. You're a phony and you just made up that bogus story to get on the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ didn't you?

Q: Ok, I admit it. I lied. I don't know Randy and have never been to WMU. But I do have this great story about Ken McDonald.
A: Good-bye loser.


 

Q: Did you hear that Quixtar reformulated Nutrilite? It now contains retsin.
A: Really? I think I heard something about that. What exactly is retsin?

Q: It's a special ingredient they put in the reformulated Nutrilite.
A: Right. But what does it do? I mean is it a vegetable, animal or mineral?

Q: It's not any of those things. It's a special ingredient.
A: It has to be at least one of those things. It is comprised of something.

Q: Yeah, of course it's comprised of something.
A: Right... So, what is that something?

Q: What something?
A: The something that retsin is made from.

Q: Oh, that something. Well, it makes your breath long-lasting fresh.
A: Ok, great. So what is it?

Q: Did I mention that Double X delivers more phytonutrients?
A: Good-bye.


 

Q: I'm looking for the Quixtar podcast.
A: What Quixtar podcast? You mean QBlog Radio?

Q: No, that podcast is lame. I mean the official Quixtar podcast from like the Quixtar business opportunity.
A: Yeah, well it doesn't exist.

Q: Doesn't exist? Why not? Podcasting is so cool and it would be a great way for me to listen to all the greatest Diamond motivational speakers on my iPod.
A: Right. Well, first you need to understand how Quixtar operates. After a new technology has been introduced Quixtar will wait until that technology has been used by pretty much everyone on the planet and virtually every other business has been learning how to make money at it and only then does it decide to embrace that technology. And by embrace I mean the type of embrace you give your aunt Edna, you know the fat one who smells like stale cigarettes and you sort of give that side-hug thing to.

Q: I see. No podcast now huh? So when can I expect one?
A: I'd look for one around 2009 and you can learn more about it by going to Countdown9109.com.

Q: Talk about cutting edge.
A: I feel your pain.

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July 1, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 29

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: I heard Tom Cruise was in Quixtar. I L-O-V-E Tom Cruise. Have loved him ever since he stole my heart in Top Gun? I absolutely must become a Quixtar IBO so that I can be like Tom.
Answer: Actually, you're thinking of Scientology, not Quixtar. Tom Cruise is a vocal proponent of Scientology and to my knowledge, has never been involved with Quixtar at all.

Q: Really? You're sure he's not in Quixtar? Wow. I could have sworn he said something about Quixtar in his Today Show interview.
A: Yeah, I'm sure. Tom Cruise has never been in Quixtar though he did play a sort of sexual self-help guru in the movie Magnolia.

Q: Oh yeah, I remember that movie. It was really weird. Tom and Nicole Kidman were like in some freaky sex cult and everyone wore masks or something.
A: No, that was Eyes Wide Shut directed by Stanley Kubrick. Magnolia was an ensemble flick set in California.

Q: Hmmm... was that anything like Rain Man? I really liked that movie. Isn't that where he says, "Show me the money?"
A: I don't think so. No. Definitely not.

Q: I see. Well anyway, if Tom isn't in Quixtar then I guess I'm not interested. Thanks anyway.
A: Fess up, you've never seen any Tom Cruise movie except Top Gun have you?

Q: Well, uh. No, I saw that one with the race cars. What's it called?
A: Days of Thunder?

Q: No, it was Faster and Furious or something?
A: You mean The Fast and the Furious. You're so busted. Who is this anyway?

Q: Katie Holmes. Why?
A: Just curious.


 

Q: Why did the Quixtar leaders start blogging?
A: Well, nobody's really sure but there are a few theories floating around out there. The most popular theory is that the Quixtar leaders think the next wave of E-Commerce is MLM Blogging.

Q: You mean blogging about Multilevel Marketing?
A: No, I mean that you get three bloggers to sign up underneath you and teach them how to blog for themselves and get them teach three others to blog and then you retire with your residual income.

Q: Wow but how's the money made?
A: That's the part nobody has quite figured out. But the Diamonds are a bright bunch of guys and they plan to build the MLM Blogging network first and then figure out how to make money later.

Q: That doesn't make much sense.
A: No, it doesn't but it is a popular theory. Another theory is that the Quixtar leaders have a rare neurological disorder that affects them ONLY when they come in contact with computers connected to the Internet. The disorder compells them to post complete nonsense and then duplicate it across multiple blogs. Psychologists and neurologists are baffled.

Q: Well that's just stupid. Any other theories?
A: Well, there's one more. Some think that all the Quixtar leader blogs are typed by lab rats who get chocolates after filling a page with "content."


 

Q: I'm a Quixtar employee and I love the QBlog. What am I to do?
A: Nurture your love of the QBlog. Don't be ashamed that you love the QBlog. Many people love the QBlog. The QBlog is irresistable.

Q: But I read it and feel so guilty for reading it. What if my boss found out that I read it? I might get fired!
A: Baby, your boss reads the QBlog every damn day. Your boss loves the QBlog just like you love the QBlog. Everyone loves the QBlog.

Q: Yes, I do love the QBlog. It's so funny and witty and informative that I just can't help myself. And I even love those creepy eyes.
A: The creepy eyes know that you love them. The creepy eyes symbolize the all-knowing QBlog. Those creepy eyes are looking right at you baby.

Q: So, I should embrace my love of the QBlog instead of being ashamed of it?
A: That's right. Wear your QBlog love like a badge on your sleeve and you know what will happen? QBlog will love you right back. That's right. In fact, there's a QBlog party at the pool this weekend and all you lovely Quixtar employees are invited.

Q: Wow, thanks. That's awesome. I'll be there.
A: I know you will.

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June 24, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 28

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!


Question: So, let me get this straight. I have to sell 70% of everything I buy from Quixtar or I won't get my bonus?
Answer: That's right.

Q: But that's crazy talk. How can I sell all the products I buy? I buy a lot of stuff and how can I figure out what equals 70%?
A: Well, you are running a business and you'll need to keep up with stuff like that.

Q: Oh my God. This sucks. This totally sucks. Surely Quixtar can't keep up with who sells 70% or not right?
A: Actually, they do have a way to keep up with everything. Each product you order has to be marked for personal use or as eligible for retail. There's a check box on Quixtar.com that you must select for each order. The Quixtar computers keep track of what's for personal use and what's for retail. If you end up not selling things you bought for retail, you go back at the end of the month and indicate that in the system. If Quixtar sees that you're close to violating the 70% rule an email alert is automatically sent to show you how to quickly get back into compliance.

Q: Really? I had no idea? Crap, I've been doing this all wrong.
A: No, not really you dork. I made that up. Of course Quixtar doesn't enforce the 70% rule or monitor what you buy and sell. They could but they don't. It's all very convenient.

Q: Ah, I get what you're saying. So the 70% rule is just to keep the FTC off of Quixtar's back but nobody at Quixtar really gives a crap what the IBO does, right?
A: Officially, Quixtar is very interested in your compliance with the 70% rule. Unofficially... well. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. Say no more.


 

Q: What's up with this Bruce Anderson character? Is he for real?
A: Bruce Anderson is an alien from the Planet Nepton. He has come to Earth to befriend us and teach us the ways of the Zoovians.

Q: Bruce Anderson, the Quixtar Diamond?
A: Yep. One and the same. He's half Zoovian and half Samoan. Do you think it's coincidence that he set up operations in Florida? Obviously not. Florida is the perfect place for strange beings from other planets to co-exist with humans.

Q: But he worked his way to Diamond in Quixtar. How could an alien do that?
A: Brother, you've got a lot to learn. Most of the Quixtar Diamonds are aliens or at least genetic mutants. You know Randy Haugen? Alien from the Degoba System. Oh, and Dexter Yager. Genetic mutant. He can unhinge his jaw and swallow a baby whole... not that he's ever done it but he could if he wanted to.

Q: That's simply amazing. Gives a whole other dimension to the Quixtar business opportunity. Now it's not just a way to earn a residual income but it's also a way to learn from sentient beings from other galaxies.
A: You know ALF was an alien too?


 

Q: Yo, I got dis fine honey lookin to hook me up in dis Quixtar bidness. Whachoo know bout this stuff?
A: Well, Quixtar is a business that grows as much as you want it to grow. You get paid based on your efforts. You're in business for yourself but not by yourself. Quixtar is a world of opportunity.

Q: Yo, what the hell you barkin dawg? What kinda smack you talkin'? I just wanna know if I should get hooked up with dis chic's bidness or not.
A: Well, if your sweetheart is an IBO and she would like for you to participate in the Quixtar business opporunity...

Q: Ho- ho- hold on one sec aight? Dis honey ain't got no B-O knamean? She's always wearing dat Tommy Hilfigger stuff. So step off talking bout my honey like dat aight?
A: Ok, it's a misunderstanding. I said "IBO" which stands for Independent Business Owner. In Quixtar you're independent which means that you are in control of your own destiny.

Q: You one a dem Scientonogists or something? Ya know, like Tom Cruise n stuff?
A: Ha ha. No, no, no. Quixtar is NOT a cult. Absolutely not a cult. Nope, it's not a cult at all. What a silly thing to suggest. That Quixtar's a cult. Oh, that's funny for sure. Quixtar IBOs may do some strange things but they're definitely not a cult nor do they act like a cult. I mean, to think that Quixtar is a cult is just silly. Really silly. If Quixtar is a cult then I'm L. Ron Hubbard. Quixtar is so NOT a cul