Farcical Help Desk Archive

June 9, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 52

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!

Question: Are IBOs required to sign the BSMAA before purchasing or even using the tools?
Answer: Nope.

Q: Great. So why does my upline tell me that I need to sign it?
A: Because some groups require that you sign it to use their tools.

Q: Oh. Which ones?
A: Ummm. All of them.

Q: Huh? I thought you said I didn't have to sign it to buy tools?
A: You don't.

Q: So, which Line of Affiliation will sell me tools?
A: They'll all sell you tools.

Q: Without signing the BSMAA right?
A: Well, no. You have to sign the BSMAA.

Q: But you just said I'm not required to sign it to buy tools!
A: You're not.

Q: So, WWDB will sell me tools then?
A: Right after you sign the BSMAA.

Q: Argh! This doesn't make any sense at all. If it's not a requirement then why do I have to sign it?
A: Welcome to Quixtar.

Q: You are not going to believe this.
A: Try me.

Q: I just had a meeting with Orrin Woodward and Chris Brady at Dunkin' Donuts!
A: Wow. That's pretty cool. What did you guys talk about?

Q: Lots of stuff. We talked for hours. It was great. And you know the coolest thing about the meeting was that I run this website that sorta criticizes their Team motivational business but they still wanted to talk to me and answer my questions. They were so nice and really willing to help me understand their business.
A: That's really neat man. I'm happy for you. So, what are some of the things they said? They tell you about the Tool Contract?

Q: They told me all about it but I can't tell anyone else. I did the secret handshake oath and I'm not allowed to talk about that.
A: But you can talk about the problems that you were posting about on your website right?

Q: No. Well, yes. Sorta. I can say that the problems were NOT normal and Chris and Orrin were very sad and angry about all the bad stuff that happened when I was in their business but they assured me that crap like that is rare and they'll be sure it never happens again. Ever.
A: Right.

Q: And OH MAN, there's this other thing that they told me that really opened my eyes. I now understand why they don't come out and publicly reveal all the details of their tool business and show exactly how much money is made from that business.
A: Ok, why don't they?

Q: Geez. I can't tell you that either. Secret handshake and all. I can tell you it's because they are helpless. Their hands are tied. They would love nothing more than to let us all see the wizard behind the curtain but the Men In Black won't let them do it.
A: Men in Black?

Q: Yeah. See, if they told the world all that they told me then they'd have to blow up the planet. National security stuff you know.
A: So what exactly was the point of this meeting?

Q: I got free coffee and doughnuts.
A: Now I understand.

Q: Who's paying for the Qrush ads?
A: That's a great question.

Q: So, what's the answer?
A: Can't tell you. But you can try to guess.

Q: Is it Quixtar?
A: Nope.

Q: Is it Qrush?
A: Nope.

Q: Is it someone in Michigan?
A: Getting warm.

Q: Is it someone connected with the IBOAI?
A: *click*

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May 26, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 51

Posted by QBlog

Question: I own a nightclub and I'm looking for a unique act this weekend. Can you help?
Answer: Glad you asked. I happen to know of a really original act that's currently available. It's a family with three extremely talented children, a lovely wife and a father who bears a striking resemblance to Dean Kosage.

Q: Well, what do they do?
A: The father comes out on stage and starts screaming, stomping around and spitting on the audience. He's then joined by his wife who starts tossing rotten fish entrails on her husband while yodelling the "Star Spangled Banner" to the tune of Kelis' Milk Shake. And then the three children, two sons and a daughter, walk out on stage covered in garbage. Then one son begins prancing around quoting Kerouac haikus with a thick German accent while the other son climbs on an orange Big Wheel and rides off the stage into the front row. Then the sister reaches up and pulls a long cord hanging from the ceiling and suddenly a deluge of raw sewage is dumped on the family from hidden containers fastened above. The family then turns towards the audience, in unison, and yells "Ta-Da!"

Q: That's disgusting and utterly repulsive. That's the worst act I've ever heard of in my entire life. What do you call this act?
A: The Kingpins!

Q: I'm an IBO and I have a problem. Can you help?
A: Maybe. What's the problem?

Q: I have a sense of humor.
A: Yipes. Yeah. That is a problem. How'd this happen?

Q: Well, I thought I got rid of it but you know, I saw that Aristocrats movie right after watching Lenny and now I can't stop laughing.
A: Well, that's not so bad. IBOs can laugh.

Q: Yeah, but I'm laughing at self-deprecating humor, jokes that poke fun at Quixtar and old-fashioned satire. It's freaking me out.
A: Ok, calm down. I know just the cure. Something that will sap the humor from every funny bone in your body.

Q: I'll do anything. Anything at all. Just help me.
A: Watch this video of Birdie Yager every day for a month and you'll be as humorless as Jody Victor.

Q: Thanks Help Desk™!
A: No thanks necessary. It's what we do.

Q: Who is this Scott Larsen guy I've been reading about on the IBOAI website?
A: He's the devil. He eats live babies you know.

Q: What? Oh my goodness. That's horrible!
A: He also hates Quixtar, democracy, vegetables, puppies and Taylor Hicks.

Q: What a despicable man.
A: Wait, there's more. He's also a petty man who thinks Jody Victor is ugly and doesn't mind saying so on his website. He's openly attacked Jody Victor's appearance.

Q: I'm so disgusted. Jody's a beautiful, sexy man and anyone who attacks his appearance must have some real problems.
A: Oh, he's got problems alright. And his website is all a bunch of lies.

Q: Really? All lies? Then how does he keep it up?
A: Well, the IBOAI hasn't figured out how to prove that it's all lies yet but their Truthiness Department is working on that day and night. Day and night.

Q: Well, thanks for the info and I'll be sure to lock my doors tonight in case Larsen is in the neighborhood.
A: Good idea. And you might want to put some bear traps out in your yard because I heard he changes into a chupacabra after Midnight.

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May 19, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 50

Posted by QBlog

Question: I'm so excited that Quixtar is tops in April site performance according to Internet Retailer!
Answer: Yeah. It's a pretty exciting accomplishment to be sure. Did you have a question?

Q: Yes. Can you explain the specific significance of being tops in site performance?
A: Well, it basically means that visitors to Quixtar.com can download an average of 41.99 bytes per second.

Q: Ok. I have no idea what that means.
A: It means that Quixtar is a fast-loading site.

Q: Well, good. I knew it had to be something good because Quixtar was at the top of the list.
A: It's not all so good. Unfortunately Quixtar rated below average in the Quality rating.

Q: Oh. But fast-loading sites are important right?
A: Sure. It's good to have a fast-loading site though this is the first time the Help Desk™ has ever seen such a benchmark. Reports showing site traffic and time spent per visit are some of the more commonly used benchmarks.

Q: How is Quixtar doing in those areas?
A: Not sure about time on pages but overall traffic has been declining for about the last three years.

Q: But it's tops in April.
A: Yes, it's tops in April.

Q: I'm in the market for a new car and was wondering if you have any suggestions?
A: Funny you should ask. Quixtar just unveiled a brand new vehicle called the QuixCar.

Q: Really? That sounds cool. What's it look like?
A: It's an all-white car though there are a few brown models available if you know where to look. It has multi-levels, the passengers sit on the bottom level and the driver sits up top. On the bumper you have your choice of Ichthys, with either the word Jesus or the symbol of a crucifix inside.

Q: Awesome! What about the sound system?
A: Oh, it's state-of-the-art. Comes with a 500 disc CD changer pre-loaded with a selection of Quixtar motivational CDs personally selected by Jody Victor. There's also a tape deck for those golden oldies.

Q: Sweet. I'm totally drooling. How about the performance?
A: It's not a fast car but it's very steady. And it has a special feature called Circle Mode that will allow the car to drive around in circles for hours and hours.

Q: I love circles.
A: We know you do.

Q: Where can I buy one and how much does it cost?
A: Well, you can purchase one at Quixtar.com and the price is amazingly low though I must warn you, maintenance costs can be pretty expensive since only Quixtar can do the repairs. One guy spent over $10,000 just to get his brakes checked.

Q: Heck. I can't wait to get my new QuixCar. Anything from Quixtar has got to be good.
A: I'll second that.

Q: I'm so depressed. When I do a Google search for Quixtar the first page of results is mostly links to negative websites. Why is that?
A: Well, Quixtar is a large, successful corporation utilizing a non-traditional business method that is sometimes controversial and will naturally attract criticism.

Q: But Quixtar spends lots of money on search engine optimization, word of mouth marketing, search engine marketing, blogging, traditional advertising and supporting worthy causes so I just don't understand why there's so much negativity in search results.
A: It's easy to start a critical website. Most big businesses encounter the same type of negativity. It's the American way.

Q: But I searched for Amazon, eBay, Avon and Newegg and didn't see anything negative on the first page of Google results. And searches for Starbucks, Melaleuca and Dell only return a couple of links to negative sites. Why is that?
A: What about Wal-Mart? Lots of negative about Wal-Mart.

Q: Well, yeah but it is the largest employer in the U.S. and frankly some of the criticism is fair. What about Target? Nothing negative for that company. It just seems like Quixtar isn't doing enough to ensure that curious folks don't run into negative websites and that concerns me.
A: Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but Quixtar has started a new campaign called "Threaten to Sue All the Critics." Earlier this year the Quixtar execs brought in L. Ron Hubbard as a consultant on how to deal with critics and he advised them to put together a legal task force focused on scaring the critical websites into oblivion.

Q: Isn't L. Ron Hubbard that Scientology dude? I thought he was dead.
A: That's what they want you to think. No, he's very much alive. Lives in a bunker in Colorado with Elvis and Walt Disney.

Q: So, you think this "Threaten to Sue All the Critics" will work?
A: Absolutely. TSAC can't possibly fail with Jody Victor behind it.

Q: Good. I'll sleep better tonight.
A: So will I my young friend. So will I.

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May 12, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 49

Posted by QBlog

Question: Where the hell has the Help Desk™ been? I've been trying to get through for weeks!
Answer: The Help Desk™ was helping Wolfgang Petersen make final edits to Poseidan.

Q: Really? A Help Desk™ was editing a summer blockbuster with acclaimed director Wolfgang Petersen? Why?
A: Well, I would say we acted in an advisory capacity while he was doing the editing. He asked us to advise him because of our association with Quixtar.

Q: Why? Is he into Multi-Level Marketing or something?
A: Oh, no. Not at all. He wanted people who understood what it was like to try to survive inside a sinking ship.

Q: Gotcha.
A: Thanks for the nice setup by the way.

Q: That dang Quixtar Blog thang looks all silly and such. What happened to them big ole glaring eyes? And what's with this gosh-dern spikey headed orange guy?
A: It's a redesign. Haven't you been reading the messages about the new design?

Q: I tried but my glasses was busted and now I keep getting distracted by the porn.
A: The porn? There's no porn on the new Quixtar BLOG.

Q: Well what's that... oh MY GAWD! Help me!
A: What? What's wrong? What happened?

Q: My eyes! I just saw something that is burning my eyes. I can't look at that horridness. Foul! Curses!
A: Dude. Just don't look at the porn. Close your browser. You're not on Quixtar BLOG. You must have accidentally gone to some other site. What does it say in the address bar?

Q: Uh... hard to concentrate wilst this abomination is on my screen. Lessee. Address bar says some webraw something. Webraw.com.
A: Hmmmm. Well that seems to be the right site. Can you describe what you're seeing?

Q: It's some woman talking to a group of people at a podium or...
A: Ah, you're at the right site. That's Birdie Yager on YouTube.

Q: Well, make it stop. It's hurting my brain.
A: Close the browser and step away from your computer.

Q: Hi. I'm looking for a lawyer. I have special needs and need a ruthless lawyer. One who won't bat an eye at threatening a grandmother with a defamation lawsuit. Got any suggestions?
A: What kind of needs do you have for such a ruthless lawyer?

Q: Let's just say that I don't have to watch the Sopranos to know about mob life.
A: Oh, ok. Well, have you tried Jody Victor's lawyer, Mr. Abraham. He loves sending threatening letters to grandmothers. Even ones related to the founders of his employer's business.

Q: That's pretty low-down. I'll look him up. Thanks.
A: Well, I'm not sure how low-down it is. I mean he is a lawyer after all.

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February 3, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 48

Posted by QBlog

Question: My friend invited me to a Diamond Rally tonight. What is that exactly?
Answer: Well, the phrase has its origins in the Latin "Dia" which means God and "Mound" which means large pile of dirt. The word "Rally" literally means to "jump around like a complete fool."

Q: That doesn't really tell me much unless you're saying that it's a thing where God jumps around like a fool on a mound of dirt.
A: Precisely! That's what it is.

Q: Are you sure about that?
A: Some etymologists believe the phrase comes from the Choctaw Indians who once held events called "Deemond Rhellees" which were basically opportunities for the tribe to consume lots of marijuana and peyote.

Q: Oh. So this is like a drug party or something?
A: Hell, I really don't know either. Ask Ty Tribble, he seems to know all about Diamond Rallies.

Q: There seems to be a problem. Quixtar has violated my rights by using my name and I need to contact a lawyer to file a lawsuit.
A: Ok. What's your name?

Q: Quixtar.
A: Really? That's your given name?

Q: Yeah. The name my mother gave me nearly four decades ago.
A: That's wild. So you want to sue Quixtar? On what grounds?

Q: They stole my name and now wherever I go people laugh at me or glare at me and generally treat me badly.
A: Everywhere? I'd have thought that at least around Western Michigan you'd be welcomed with a name like Quixtar. Don't the IBOs like you?

Q: No. Nobody likes me.
A: Strange. That's really too bad. I'll see what I can do. Let me get your full name.

Q: Quixtar B. Amway II.
A: Ah, now I see the problem.

Q: Hey, I thought the Help Desk™ was going to EDC.
A: Yeah. They are... I mean we are.

Q: Are you really with the Help Desk™?
A: Of course I am.

Q: Prove it.
A: Ok. Ask me a question.

Q: What is the secret ingredient put in every can of XS?
A: Retsin!

Q: Nope. It's soylent green.
A: Ewwwww. Soylent Green is made from people.

Q: So, really. Who are you?
A: I'm Jody Victor. Couldn't make it to EDC this year so I decided to help out at the Help Desk™.

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January 21, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 47

Posted by QBlog

Question: Is it true that the Kia guy running the "Real Quixtar Blog" is really a public relations manager at Quixtar?
Answer: Yeah. His name is Robin Luymes and rumor has it he can make a mean rhubarb pie!

Q: I love rhubarb pie!
A: Who doesn't? It's so tangy and sweet. Like a slice of heaven you can eat.

Q: No doubt. So why did it take Luymes nearly 18 months to publicly share his identity as the "blog's" author?
A: I think he was busy perfecting his rhubarb pie recipe and just kept putting off the big announcement.

Q: But, why does his big "outing" post seem so defensive?
A: Because he's very sensitive about his "blog." Some people apparently claim it's not really a blog and I think it hurts his feelings because his life-long dream has been to be a super-cool blogger like Jason Kottke or Glenn Reynolds.

Q: But does his "blog" have permalinks?
A: No.

Q: Trackbacks?
A: No.

Q: An automatic archiving system?
A: Apparently not.

Q: An RSS feed?
A: No.

Q: Does his "blog" ping Weblogs.com or Technorati or any other similar service?
A: No.

Q: Does he update it infrequently with self-righteous musings that overstate his own importance while putting down those who disagree with his opinions and observations?
A: Yep!

Q: Ah Ha! So it is a blog after all.
A: Apparently so.

Q: Again with the tardy Help Desk™?
A: Wha? Tardy? Isn't this Friday?

Q: No, it's not. You know damn well that it's Saturday.
A: Ummm...

Q: Let me guess. You were building a time machine? Or, you were in Malaysia and got your days mixed up?
A: Well...

Q: Out partying?
A: To be honest, we were all getting ready for Executive Diamond Club (password protected) in Kauai, Hawaii. The entire Help Desk™ staff gets to go! Check out the video and slideshow for EDC. It's gorgeous!

Q: Wow! That's fantastic. I wish I could go.
A: Keep working and one day maybe you can go! Diamond forever baby!

Q: Don't you think it's odd that Jody Victor is the only tool business owner on the This Biz Now website? Especially considering that he's not a big fan of This Biz Now and the fact that he's currently got a little "thing" going on with Scott Larsen.
A: Ummm... no. He's a success story and so it's only fitting that he's on the "Profiles of Success" page.

Q: But why is Victor getting all the love? Why not Orrin Woodward or Fred Harteis or Billy Florence or even Casey Combden?
A: Because none of them have cool last names like Victor!

Q: Ah, good point. Victor is a sweet last name. To the Victor go the spoils.
A: That Jody, he's truly a Victor.

Q: Yeah. Can't do much with Woodward.
A: Or Florence. Only images Florence brings to mind are Florence Henderson of the Brady Bunch and Florence, Italy.

Q: Florence, Italy isn't a bad image.
A: No, it's not but it sure can't compare to Victor.

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January 13, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 46

Posted by QBlog

Question: I got what looks like a pair of women's underwear in my box of Incredible Edibles. Are they edible?
Answer: Hold up. You found underwear in with your XS Energy drinks and Nutrilite?

Q: XS? Nutrilite? No, this is a box full of edible items like a tiny log cabin, a necklace, some sort of hat and what appears to be women's underwear.
A: Oh. I don't think that's Quixtar's new "Incredible Edibles." Does the box have any writing on the side?

Q: Yeah, but it's all in Korean and has a picture of a rabbit riding on a donkey.
A: Yeah. That's definitely not Quixtar. If the picture had been a monkey riding a goat, well that would be something to consider but Quixtar definitely does not use rabbits and donkeys as logos. What color are those underpants anyway?

Q: Mfffmph... Buh whuh wed.
A: Huh? Can't understand... hey! You're not eating them are you?

Q: Yeb.
A: Ewwwww.

Q: Looks like Jody Victor's really going after Scott Larsen huh?
A: They be a-feudin'.

Q: This is a strange new tactic don't you think?
A: There's a method to the madness. Victor is going after Larsen on things like his pin level and whether or not some picture got PhotoShopped. That's merely a diversion. Victor doesn't want anyone to know that he's really a Super-Robot who can fly, move at super-sonic speeds and emit an electo-magnetic pulse from his fingertips.

Q: Whoa! I had no idea. That's wicked awesome! How can he keep his super-secret from IBOs?
A: Well, he's a very advanced model. A prototype actually. Amway developed a robotics program back in the '60s to produce a "Home Helper Bot" that would do housecleaning. The technology from that program was enhanced and, after many revisions, produced the Victor-Bot. If you watch his eyes, you'll notice that he never blinks. That's because of Robot-Vision.

Q: Are you sure he's a robot? I mean that's cool but it sounds sort of far-fetched. Just hard to believe.
A: Well, I can't prove it but I can say that the newest member of the Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go is named Jody V. Isn't that enough proof?

Q: I love that show! I'll love it even more with Jody V.
A: You betcha!

Q: Was Jim Payne on the Today Show a couple of weeks ago?
A: He certainly was. He was there for less than a minute promoting the generous $2.2 million toy donation Quixtar made to the Toy Drive.

Q: Wow. That's awesome. Wish I'd seen it. You think it's available on iTunes?
A: Probably not.

Q: Wonder how many iPods I could buy with $2.2 million.
A: A bunch I'm sure.

Q: What else has Jim Payne been up to?
A: He's often spotted at the Starbuck's at what used to be Woody's Market on Ada Drive. It's now called something else but I forget what. The little secret is that he always puts BIG tips in the tip jar. Drops twenties like they were quarters.

Q: What a generous man!
A: True dat.

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January 6, 2006

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 45

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Question: I can't figure out how to use the new Quixtar message center.
Answer: Well, it's pretty simple. If you have a message it displays that message and you read it.

Q: How do I know if I have a message? Does a light blink or something?
A: Ummm... It will say that you have a message.

Q: Well, right now it says "No messages."
A: Right. Ok.

Q: So how do I get my messages?
A: You don't have any to get.

Q: Right. So what am I doing wrong?
A: Is this Orrin Woodward again?

Q: No, Jody Victor.
A: Ah. That makes more sense.

Q: Orrin Woodward is a sexy man.
A: Pardon?

Q: He's lost a lot of weight and is looking really hot right now. Have you seen him lately?
A: I guess not.

Q: Check him out now compared to how he looked a couple of years ago. He's a genuine stud-muffin.
A: Wow. He has cleaned up nicely. Doesn't look like The Beaver anymore.

Q: Where can I get a full-size, lifelike poster of Orrin? I want to put it in my room to help motivate me.
A: Maybe try the Team store?

Q: K, thanks!
A: Sure.

Q: I'm thinking of changing my name to Bo Terhune Douglas. How do I do that?
A: Uhhhh...

Q: I can do that right?
A: I suppose. Why?

Q: Because they're my heroes.
A: Who?

Q: Bo Short, Marshall Douglas and John Terhune. Combining their names to create a name for me would be a perfect homage to the men I look up to and admire. Besides, I hate the name I got now.
A: And what is your name?

Q: Jody Dexter Kosage.
A: Ack! I should have seen that coming!

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December 30, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - New Year Editiion

Posted by QBlog

Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. However, this Friday there will be no Help Desk™ as the staff prepare for New Year celebrations. While you're waiting for next week's exciting installment, please use the comments to discuss the absurdity of locking one of the two doors that lead into and out of a business.

Which door is locked? Is it the right? The left? Is there a sign? Why have two doors, side-by-side, if you're going to keep one permanently locked? Does it make locking up at the end of the day that much quicker? Or is it so the proprietor can silently chuckle as customers occasionally slam into the locked door, dropping bags and fumbling with car keys?

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December 23, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - Christmas Edition

Posted by QBlog

Question: Why isn't Santa a Quixtar Diamond?
Answer: Hmmmmm... Maybe because he's not real?

Q: Hey! Hey! Stop that crazy talk. Of course Santa's real.
A: Come on. There's no way some dude could fly around and deliver presents to all those children in one night. You can't be serious.

Q: I'm totally serious. You know why? Because I believe! I believe in something bigger than myself. I learned long ago that if you just believe enough the facts don't matter.
A: Wow, where have I heard that before? Hmmm.

Anyway. So Santa's real and you want to know why he's not a Quixtar Diamond. I'll play along. Maybe because he lives at the North Pole and doesn't have much of an opportunity to show the plan. And when he does get out he's usually interacting with children who can't join Quixtar.

How's that?

Q: Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Do you think Santa drinks XS Energy Drinks?
A: I can't do this. No! No, Santa doesn't drink XS. He drinks heavily spiked Egg Nogg and eats lots pork. Good grief.

Q: Ummm... you're a real Scrooge.
A: Bah humbug. Get lost.

Q: I've got this awesome idea for Quixtar. It's killer man.
A: Oh boy! What is it?

Q: PV/BV gift cards.
A: Ummmmm...

Q: You know, like those cards you get at Best Buy or a restaurant or something...
A: I'm familiar with gift cards but why would you want to put PV/BV on a gift card?

Q: Think about it. Your struggling downline needs an extra 350 PV to hit the 1,000 PV mark. So, you give them a PV/BV gift card with 350 PV and 1,000 BV.
A: How much would it cost?

Q: That's the great thing. Since there are no products to manufacture Quixtar can offer the cards at a higher PV rate than the products. So a 350 PV card would cost you $500.
A: Not bad, not bad at all.

Q: They probably would only be popular around birthdays and holidays.
A: Good point. But this could be huge.

Q: So, you think it's a good idea?
A: Send the suggestion in to Jim Payne.

Q: Have you seen the new Quixtar Message Center?
A: Yep.

Q: Pretty cool huh?
A: Yep.

Q: Looks a lot like the thing on that QBlog site doesn't it?
A: Yep.

Q: That's an interesting coincidence isn't it?
A: Yep.

Q: Well, nice chatting with you.
A: Yep.

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December 16, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 42

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Question: I absolutely LOVE Ageless Xtra and I want to join up with Oasis. What do I need to do?
Answer: What's with all the Oasis LifeSciences questions? Sheesh. Do you have $1,285 handy?

Q: I think so. I'll check with my wife but I think I can spare that for this business.
A: Great. There are cheaper options but I think the $1,285 sign up package is what everyone recommends. And of course you've quit at least two other Multi-Level Marketing businesses in the past 15 years right?

Q: What? No. What are you talking about?
A: Oasis doesn't allow anyone to join unless they've quit at least two other MLMs. Didn't you know that?

Q: No I didn't know that. That's absurd! Are you sure about that?
A: Absolutely. Marshall Douglas. Al Keranen. Bo Short. Ty Tribble. The list goes on and on.

Q: What about Joe Land?
A: He's a special case because he also ran his own tool business for a few years.

Q: Hmmm. Well I sent off one of those chain letters in grade school and my sister was in Avon for a few years. Does that count?
A: No, I'm afraid not. Sorry.

Q: Damn. Well, I can at least be a customer and buy the Ageless Xtra right?
A: Only if you can answer positively to the following question: Do you believe that Ponce de Leon was really looking for the fountain of youth?

Q: Sure, I guess.
A: Ok, you can be a customer.

Q: My upline can kick your upline's butt!
A: This is the Help Desk™, we don't have uplines here.

Q: Oh. Well he could still kick your butt.
A: That's nice to know. Why the hostility.

Q: I'm just sick of the other kids always putting down Quixtar and saying it's a baby business. It's not a baby business. It's the greatest business in the world and great people like my upline are building it every day.
A: Baby business? What kids? How old are you?

Q: Nine.
A: Ok. Don't you mean your parent's upline?

Q: No, my parents won't join. I'm talking about my upline.
A: Aren't you a little young to be an IBO?

Q: My upline says I'm showing great potential. I just give him half my allowance each week and I get an IBOAI coloring book, some "Freedom" trading cards and XS Cherry Blast.
A: Is your upline in BWW?

Q: Yeah.
A: Figures.

Q: Did you go to Achievers in Dallas?
A: No. We weren't invited and most of us at the Help Desk™ are a little miffed.

Q: Well, I just got back and it was a blast. Sorry you missed it.
A: We made our own fun up here at the Help Desk™ headquarters.

Q: What did you do?
A: We played Kingpin Charades. Acted out different Quixtar Kingpins and tried to guess which one it was.

Q: That sounds like a lot of fun.
A: It was. And it's really fun after downing a couple of bottles of Goldschlager.

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December 9, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 41

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Question: Do you know how totally freakin' pumped up I am right now?
Answer: Uh, no. Did you just work out or something?

Q: No man. I mean pumped up for this business. I'm absolutely on fire right now. I'm going Diamond in like three months. I'm FIRED UP!
A: Right...

Q: I just showed the plan five times last night. Five damn times in one night. I did it four times the night before. I'll be platinum by Christmas baby.
A: That's nice.

Q: What? You don't believe me? You doubt my skills? I got the fever man and ain't no stopping me. I listen to more CDs in one day than probably anyone else on the planet. I'm the Rocky Balboa of Quixtar!
A: Yeah. I believe you. That's great. How can I help you?

Q: Help me? Help me? I should be helping YOU! I don't need no help man.
A: Well, you did call the Help Desk™ didn't you?

Q: Oh. Uh... yeah. I guess I did. Hmmmm. Well, can I get a refund on some XS? I didn't like the Rootbeer Blast stuff too much.
A: Platinum by Christmas huh? Yes, I can help you get a refund. What's your IBO number?

Q: IBO number. That. Hmmmm. Well, there's this funny story and you know, I really totally forgot what my number is and I don't have it written down anywhere so I was hoping you could look it up for me.
A: I see. This may take a little while. Let me transfer you to my supervisor.

Q: Great. Uh... thanks.
A: No prob.

Q: So what's up with that Jacey Wyatt chic? Is she some ultra-hot IBO or what?
A: Her body's great but dude, I'm sorry, she's got a man-face.

Q: I wasn't looking at her face. Know what I mean?
A: I know exactly what you mean but you can't deny that she's got a butter face.

Q: Butter face? What's that?
A: You know. Butter face. Everything but-her-face is attractive.

Q: Oh man that's harsh. So is she a scantily-clad IBO or what?
A: I'm not sure. It looks like the press release was changed. I swear it had her IBO number on it at one point.

Q: Well, she's definitely hot and if she is an IBO, I'd want to be in her downline.
A: I wouldn't mind being personally sponsored by her one bit. Recruit me baby.

Q: I heard that Oasis LifeSciences has this elixir that gets rid of crabs. Where can I get some of that?
A: I'm not sure what you're talking about. This is the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ and we sort of deal with Quixtar questions. Not Oasis.

Q: So you don't know where I can get the patented Crab-Away formula?
A: Sorry. Afraid not.

Q: Damn. I really need some. See I got this really bad infestation...
A: That's enough. I really don't need to know about your crab problem.

Q: It itches like crazy and nothing I try has worked. I'm desperate and I know Oasis products work. I used some of their exclusive Herpes-Be-Gone on my girlfriend last year and it got rid of her herpes.
A: Dude. You can't get rid of herpes.

Q: Herpes-Be-Gone got rid of it. I'm not kidding. She used that stuff and in like a week it was all cleared up.
A: Right. You know it usually clears up in about a week anyway. But the virus does not die. It just lays dormant.

Q: Oh. Really?
A: Yeah. Really.

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December 2, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 40

Posted by QBlog

Question: Has the Help Desk™ staff enjoyed their free time during the server migration?
Answer: Heck yeah. We learned how to play Texas Holdem and boy is that a fun game.

Q: So you just played poker the whole time?
A: Pretty much. We also played craps and canasta but I think everyone will agree that Texas Holdem is much more entertaining.

Q: So I take it you won?
A: Well, let's just say that Lance will be mowing my lawn every summer for the next five years.

Q: Sweetness.
A: You know it.

Q: I'm looking for a really great business opportunity. Can you help?
A: Have you considered Quixtar?

Q: Yeah. I actually did Quixtar for a couple of years but didn't really like it. I'm looking for something better. Any suggestions?
A: Well, have you looked at Passport?

Q: Yeah. I signed up last year and liked it alright but it just didn't seem to fit my style. I need a business where I could make a lot of money real fast. Besides, I hear Passport is closing shop soon.
A: Oh yeah, I think I heard something about that the other day. Well, you could try Oasis LifeSciences.

Q: My girlfriend is doing that and the money seems ok but it costs like $1,200 to join up! Where am I going to get that kinda bread?
A: I know what you could do. A chain letter. They're pretty cheap to start up and you can earn thousands in no time at all. Have you considered chain letters?

Q: Hmmm. Now there's a thought. How much are stamps going for these days?
A: Only 37 cents brotha. Only 37 cents.

Q: This guy in my downline keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. What should I do?
A: Ok, first question. Are you male or female?

Q: Uh, can't you tell by my voice?
A: No. You sound like a cross between Kathleen Turner and Harvey Fierstein so it could go either way. You smoke don't you?

Q: Yes, I do smoke and I'm a 45-year-old man. So, what should I do?
A: Well, the answer should be pretty simple unless you're gay. Are you gay?

Q: No, of course not. I mean, I don't hate gay people or anything. Well, see there was this one time in college... but I didn't really like it too much.
A: Uh huh.

Q: Seriously. I'm not gay. But he is a really nice guy and he is my fastest growing leg. This guy could help me get Diamond by next August.
A: So, you're considering sleeping with him even though you're not gay?

Q: Diamond man. I'm talking DIAMOND!
A: I'd still have to say "don't do it" but it's entirely your call man.

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October 28, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 39

Posted by QBlog

Question: Where was Help Desk™ last week?
Answer: It was here... wasn't it?

Q: No. It definitely was not here. I looked, twice, and it wasn't here.
A: Last week. What was going on last week? Oh, that's right. We were in St. John's, Newfoundland setting up the Canadian Help Desk™.

Q: Really. Well, I missed you guys.
A: And gals.

Q: And gals. So did you get it all set up?
A: Actually, it didn't go so well and that's part of the reason we weren't back sooner. See, Newfies aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer if you get my meaning. We ended up hiring a couple of temps from Bulgaria to answer the phones. They can barely speak English but at least they talk into the correct end of the phone.

Q: Wow. You going back any time soon?
A: We have to. A Newfie named Larry got lost on the way to the washroom and so we're organizing a volunteer search party to find him. Nobody's seen him since last Friday.

Q: I heard that there's going to be a new cooking show on Independent Television featuring Jayson Blair. Is this true?
A: No, that's Jason Roberts.

Q: The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?
A: No, that's John Roberts. This guy's a famous chef. He's from "down under."

Q: Well cool. I will have to watch that. And he's only going to be using iCook products? That would be fantastic exposure.
A: Let's not get carried away. This is Independent Television (formerly PAX) which, according to Nielsen, is viewed by an average of 30-40 people every week. This is not the Food Network.

Q: But still, it's on TV and that's cool. I absolutely love iCook Cookware and am excited that others will see this wonderful product on display.
A: Yeah. It's really cool. You know the story behind the iCook selection right? The show has an I theme. Jason Roberts only uses products that start with the letter I. And all the dishes he prepares, start with the letter I.

Q: That's unique.
A: I think he's making Iguana Burgers on his second show.

Q: I heard that Quixtar is recalling Nutrilite Kids Brainiums. Is that true?
A: No. Don't be ridiculous. Why would Quixtar recall Brainiums?

Q: The rumor I heard was that kids hate the way Brainiums taste. Apparently they taste a lot like cod liver oil.
A:No. They taste like lemon drops. I think your information is bad.

Q: Well, have you actually tasted them?
A: No. But I'm sure they're fine.

Q: Are you sure? Are you? And I bet you're sure that bag of dog food you bought last night really tastes like lamb and rice huh? You assume an awful lot don't you Mr. Tastee?
A: Right. What difference does it make what my dog food tastes like? Look, there is no Brainiums recall. End of story.

Q: Have you ever tasted that dog food? Have you? I have and it does not taste like lamb and rice. It tastes like salty cardboard which is nothing like lamb and rice.
A: You eat dog food?

Q: Sometimes... I mean no. I taste dog food. You're missing my point. How do you know Brainiums tastes like lemon drops until you try them?
A: No, I got your point. You eat dog food. That's the point. Good-bye.

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October 14, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 38

Posted by QBlog

Question: Is Quixtar really killing Blu Sphere?
Answer: Yes indeedy.

Q: But why? I loved Blu Sphere. It was so trendy and hip.
A: Rumor is that Orrin Woodward slipped on a Blu Sphere catalog and almost broke his neck. He became so enraged that he called up Jim Payne and demanded that Blu Sphere be axed ASAP.

Q: Slipped on a catalog?
A: Yeah. Apparently the floor of his den is littered with Quixtar catalogs. He walked in, slipped and you know the rest.

Q: Wow. So that's all it took to get rid of Blu Sphere?
A: Apparently so. And you know Jody Victor stubbed his toe on a stack of Sweet Sixteen brochures.

Q: Aha. Thus the demise of Sweet Sixteen.
A: Yes indeedy.

Q: I'm not sure my Atmosphere Toaster is working right. Can you help?
A: Uh... toaster?

Q: Yeah. I keep putting bread into the slot but nothing happens. It just sits there.
A: Dude, it's NOT a toaster. It's an air purifier.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Yes, I'm sure. Look on the side. See where it says "Air Purifier?"

Q: Oh, I thought that was French for "Insert Bread Here."
A: No, it's English for Air Purifier.

Q: Well that makes more sense. I was wondering why a toaster cost nearly $1,000.
A: Right.

Q: Is Quixtar advertising now?
A: Quixtar doesn't advertise.

Q: So, what was that thing I saw in USA Today?
A: That looked a lot like advertising but it wasn't.

Q: Ok. Then what was it?
A: You know that plastic fruit the put in bowls? It looks real but it isn't. You want to eat it, but it will only hurt your teeth if you do. It's like that.

Q: I don't understand.
A: Well, think of it this way. The USA Today is a car and we just put a bumper sticker on our car. That's not really advertising as much as it's decorating our car.

Q: That makes absolutely no sense. Quixtar paid to have that "bumper sticker" on the "car." That's advertising in my book.
A: Well, you're wrong. It's not advertising. It's like the Super Bowl commercial Quixtar's running next year. It's not advertising as much as it's sharing our message with the world.

Q: Uh huh. Quixtar's in the Super Bowl?
A: Oh, I don't think I was supposed to mention the Super Bowl thing.

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October 7, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 37

Posted by QBlog

However, this Friday the Farcical Help Desk™ staff is taking a break to drive down to Florida to see Dolphins sing the theme to Batman. The staff is determined to teach the Dolphins to sing the theme to Love Boat.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

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September 30, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 36

Posted by QBlog

Question: I heard that Quixtar is just an Order Consolidation Site, is that true?
Answer: That's right.

Q: So what's Quixtar's specific role as an OCS?
A: Well, Quixtar consolidates orders for the IBO.

Q: Yeah, what does that mean exactly?
A: As an OCS Quixtar can sign agreements with Merchant Partners and offer Exclusive Brands. The OCS also offers outstanding technology to IBOs and administers the compensation plan.

Q: So Quixtar is sort of like a vendor, supplying products and services to IBOs for a fee?
A: Pretty much, yeah.

Q: So it's not like a franchise then?
A: No. I mean yes. I mean, well this is confusing. Think of it like a franchise vending machine. You put your quarters in the slot and Quixtar drops the bag of chips into that hole.

Q: That doesn't make any sense. How does that "vending machine" consolidate orders?
A: Well, if lots of people come to the vending machine, then that vending machine can save money by consolidating those bags of chips.

Q: Ok, but most vending machines don't require me to contractually abide by 95 pages of rules before I get a bag of chips.
A: They're really good chips man.

Q: You really don't have any idea what you're talking about do you?
A: *Sigh* I'm sorry. You're right. I just get paid to answer the phones and say what's written on these index cards. I usually get bored and draw pictures of fuzzy animals on them.

Q: I was drinking water yesterday...
A: Me too! I love water. So refreshing.

Q: Yes it is. Anyway, I was sipping my water and thought that it would be great if it were magnetized. Do you think Quixtar could make magnetized water?
A: Well, I'm no physicist but I'd say probably not.

Q: But don't you think it would be awesome if Quixtar figured out a way to put the power of Magna Bloc into some bottled spring water? I'd buy that!
A: No, I don't. Why would I want to put magnetized water into my body?

Q: To heal it. To cure what ails ya. For the health benefits.
A: What health benefits?

Q: You know. All the great stuff that magnets do for our bodies. I mean, it's magnets. MAGNETS!
A: Bye.

Q: I'm a Quixtar critic and I'm tired of criticizing Quixtar. Any suggestions for something else I could critize?
A: Have you tried politics?

Q: Been done to death. And politics bore me anyway.
A: How about sports?

Q: Again, everyone's doing that. I want something unique and original to criticize.
A: What about Mothers Against Drunk Driving?

Q: Wow. That's genius. An organization that's so respected and beloved that it's almost heresy to even think of criticizing. I love it!
A: Yeah. Or, the Humane Society. Or Doctors Without Borders.

Q: Excellent! Or... wait. I just got a great idea. How about if I criticize infants!!! Nobody's doing that. I'd OWN infant criticism man.
A: Dude, you're good. That's brilliant. And what's with those damn babies anyway? Always demanding stuff with their crying. Give me a break!

Q: Oh yeah. I can totally see this. I Hate Infants.com
A: And the diaper changing. Yuck. Change your own damn poop-filled diapers you selfish jerks!

Q: And feed yourself for once. Geez. Why do I always have to feed your fat face?
A: So when can you start this?

Q: I'm launching it next weekend. Thanks for your help.
A: No, no. Thank YOU. You've inspired me.

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September 23, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 35

Posted by QBlog

Question: I was up all night reading Scott Larsen's website and boy does he have a lot of info about Quixtar or what?
Answer: He's gay you know. A flaming queen.

Q: No, I had no idea. Well, it figures I guess.
A: Eric Scheibeler's gay too.

Q: Really? The Merchants of Deception guy?
A: Yeah. So is Dave Touretzky, Don Hargraves and Ruth Carter.

Q: Wow, so much homosexuality. Surely all Quixtar critics aren't gay... are they? What about that Quixtar BLOG guy?
A: Queer as a three dollar bill.

Q: No kidding?
A: No kidding. And the list goes on and on. Bo Short, Don J. Lorencz and Bruce Anderson — all gay.

Q: That's just unbelievable. So, pretty much anyone who says anything critical about Quixtar is gay?
A: Pretty much. Did I mention that Dan Margolies and Rob Kirkbride are gay too? And the entire staff of Dateline NBC is also gay.

Q: Right. Are you sure you don't have some freaky McCarthy-styled homophobic obsession?
A: Hmmmmm. You look like you're a little light in the loafers yourself.

Q: What the hell? You're saying I'm gay because I ask a question?
A: Thought I smelled something fruity.

Q: Ish dis da hep deshk?
A: Yes it is. What seems to be the problem?

Q: I tell you wusha poblem. Damn Misserans, Mizzorans, doze Show me shtate retahds. Das da poblem.
A: You have a problem with people from Missouri?

Q: Damn shraight I gossa problem. Don't nunna dem know bout lawyerin. Bunsha hillbillies.
A: Excuse me, are you drunk?

Q: Wasshit to yew? Yeah. So what if I am drunk? Ain't no law gainst drinkin in Ohio. Judge Dorr can shove it!
A: The caller ID says you're calling from a "Jody Victor" residence. Are you related to him?

Q: *click*
A: ...

Q: So a Quixtar employee outed himself? What's up with that?
A: Who knows. It's Quixtar dude. Enough said.

Q: But what is this "Scion blog" anyway? It's not even about Quixtar.
A: Right. It's about some new car but it was written "anonymously" by Quixtar's Sr. Digital Art Director, hence the connection to Quixtar.

Q: But it's not even on the list of officially sanctioned Quixtar blogs.
A: I know. I think he felt left out and wanted to feel special.

Q: But doesn't he know that he is special? He's a special creation of God and has unique gifts to give to the world.
A: Maybe, maybe not. I really think he's just having a little fun. Probably not enough of that since Mr. Fun left Quixtar.

Q: Oh right. So what exactly is a Scion?
A: I think it's one of those hybrid cars. Not really sure. Looks kinda like a Mini only not as cool.

Q: Gotcha. Well, I guess it's good that Quixtar employees are outing themselves. Any others following suit?
A: Oh yeah. Next week a certain high-profile Quixtar employee will out himself on the Queerty blog.

Q: Can I guess who it is?
A: Sure, but don't say Randy Bancino.

Q: Damn.
A: Talk to you later.

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September 9, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 34

Posted by QBlog

Question: Did you watch the football game last night?
Answer: I sure did. What a great game. Moss. Brady. Sapp. Dillon. Wow. Football season is back!

Q: Yeah, well who won?
A: Who won? You mean you didn't watch the game? Opening night! NFL. What on earth were you doing last night?

Q: Well, I was showing the plan to this keen couple I met at McDonald's last week. It went really well I think. The husband, his name is Andrew, asked me lots of questions.
A: Well good for you. Sorry you missed the game. It was fun and I'm one of those guys that really likes John Madden even if he is an idiot. Glad he's with Al Michaels now.

Q: He's not still with Pat Summerall?
A: Dude, Pat retired like a couple of years ago. Where you been? Madden's on ABC now.

Q: Oh, yeah. I think I remember hearing something about that. So is Dennis Miller still doing Monday Night Football?
A: Uh, yeah. And Rush Limbaugh is still on ESPN. Do you even watch football?

Q: Sure, I watch when I'm not building my business.
A: Right. Sure you do. Who won the Super Bowl last year?

Q: Ummm. Dallas?
A: Good-bye!

Q: I'm an IBO and I really want to go to FED but I just don't have enough money to go. Are there any discounted tickets available?
A: I don't think so. However, I know of a deal where non-IBOs get in free under certain conditions.

Q: Well, that doesn't help me... or does it?
A: Sure, I guess. You could resign your IBO-ship and then get the free tickets. Yeah, I guess that could work.

Q: That's brilliant! FED, here I come. Now, how do I resign as an IBO?
A: Not sure. I think you have to call Quixtar or something. I'll get back to you on that.

Q: So, Beth Dornan and Robin Luymes are writing blogs for Quixtar. Think anyone else will be "outed" anytime soon?
A: Yes. The authors of Quixtar IT Blog, Bob's Quixtar Blog, E-Marine, Biz-Owner and Quixtar Business IBO will all be outed very soon. It will be a grand event with lots of cake and punch.

Q: Wow, that's a lot of outing.
A: Sure is. There hasn't been a public outing like this since Ellen DeGeneres.

Q: So, how do you know who's behind all those blogs?
A: Well, let's just say that Ken McDonald didn't exactly "retire" and he's got a few axes to grind if you catch my drift.

Q: Aha!
A: Yeah, and it turns out that Orrin Woodward isn't really writing any of his blogs. They're all written by a 14-year-old boy in Sri Lanka named Eppi Tipsumfu.

Q: No kidding? That's weird.
A: Actually, a lot of the Quixtar-run blogs are published by students in India. It's part of Alticor's strategy to ship jobs to Asia.

Q: Maybe that explains the increase of Desi IBOs?
A: Could be. In fact, most of Quixtar's growth is attributed to minorities and ethnic groups, especially Hispanics.

Q: Really? That's cool. I hope Quixtar will start selling burritos then. I love me some burritos.
A: I think that's a racist comment.

Q: How so? I do love burritos.
A: Not sure but it seems like it's the wrong thing to say.

Q: I gotta go anyway. I'm sorry if I offended any Hispanics. But I eat at Taco Bell like twice a week.
A: Bye.

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September 2, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 33

Posted by QBlog

Question: I use SA8 With Bioquest for my laundry but I'm wondering if it's a good value. Is it?
Answer: Absolutely. SA8 With Bioquest is a magnificent value. Consider yourself lucky to even be allowed to use it.

Q: Ok, well good. And I do consider myself lucky. By the way, what is Bioquest?
A: Ah, excellent question. Bioquest is the secret ingredient that makes SA8 so magnificent. It's a complicated chemical compound that closely resembles chalk powder.

Q: So it looks like chalk powder... but precisely what is it?
A: Ah, you misunderstood. By "closely resembles" I meant that it is chalk powder. Ultra-hydrogenated chalk powder.

Q: I didn't realize chalk powder had any cleaning properties.
A: Well, most chalk powder doesn't but Quixtar mines this chalk powder from the deep, dark chalk mines of South Africa. And then Quixtar's scientists add extra hydrogen atoms to the chalk powder to enhance its natural cleaning properties.

Q: Interesting.
A: And of course each batch of Bioquest is blessed by a non-denominational priest.

Q: Well that's good to know. I was wondering why my clothes seemed so Holy.
A: Did I mention that its also makes a tasty desert topping?

Q: Now you're just being silly.
A: Oh, right. I guess I am. Silly. That's right. Just being silly.

Q: I'm an IBO and I want to have Extreme Freedom but it's really, really hard. Can you help?
A: Well of course it's hard. This is a business! How many hours a day are you sleeping?

Q: Ummm... Five or Six. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
A: Well, first off you're sleeping way too much. You want Extreme Freedom so you need to be extreme. You should be sleeping no more than two hours a day. You can sleep when you're Diamond. How many plans are you showing each week?

Q: Usually three or four. On the weekends I usually spend time with my family.
A: Three or four!!! In a week!?!? You need to quadruple that to 16 plans per week. Two per weekday and six each weekend. You can spend time with your family when you're Diamond.

Q: Well, that's discouraging. I'm not afraid of hard work but this is a lot to do and I don't know that I can survive on two hours sleep. I work 50 hours a week already.
A: You work for THE MAN at your J-O-B. Cut those hours down. Take longer lunches to show the plan then. Think outside the box. When you're tired, drink XS Energy Drinks! Take Double X! Get rid of that stinking thinking. How many CDs you listen to each week?

Q: About five. Should I listen to more?
A: Only five!?! Increase that to 20 during weekdays and 15 on the weekends.

Q: Goodness. That's 35 CDs each week. I'm not sure that's possible.
A: Of course it is. How do you think Larry Winters, Orrin Woodward and Tim Foley got where they are today?

Q: Ummm. By listening to 35 tapes a week, showing two plans every day and never sleeping?
A: That's right and look at them now! Now they sleep. Now they spend time with their family. Now they're enjoying that residual income. Now they only do what they want, when they want to do it. Now they are experiencing Extreme Freedom!

Q: So Kia is Robin Luymes, Manager of Public Relations for Quixtar?
A: Yep. Looks like it.

Q: Hmmmm. That's pretty sad. I mean, his blog freakin' sucks and he's like running Quixtar's public relations? Did he get his PR accreditation from a box of Cracker Jacks?
A: Easy now. He's really a good guy once you get to know him. And besides, he's not totally responsible for the disastrous "Real Quixtar Blog." You know he does report to Beth Dornan, Director of Communications.

Q: Oh yeah? Wouldn't that be a hoot if she also ran a blog?
A: She does.

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August 26, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 32

Posted by QBlog

Question: Where have you been? I've been trying to get through to the Help Desk™ for weeks!
Answer: The Help Desk™ staff has been helping Quixtar develop the This Biz Now website.

Q: Oh yeah, I heard of that. Cool site. So you're back now right?
A: No, this is actually a recording that just happens to provide surprisingly natural responses to your specific questions.

Q: And now you're mocking me. Very professional of you.
A: Yes, I'm mocking you. Sorry. Now what seems to be the trouble?

Q: Well, I heard a rumor that Quixtar is going to start selling some sort of Jewish energy drink. Is this true?
A: You should consult your upline and ask them for guidance.

Q: You can't just tell me if it's true or not?
A: Quixtar is very clear about rules compliance.

Q: Are you listening to me? Kabballah Energy Drink — is it for real?
A: Thank you for calling, please call back any time.

Q: Wait, this really is a recording isn't it?
A: You'll never know. Good-bye. *click*

Q: My teenage daughter wants to buy some stuff at Blu Sphere. Is it safe?
A: Is it safe? Ha! Does a monkey have a tail? Of course it's safe. It's Blu Sphere. A Quixtar partner store. Owned and developed by the good folks at Alticor.

Q: Oh good. That's a relief. So many creepy sites on the Internet, I just get worried.
A: Understandable. But don't you worry ma'am. Blu Sphere has been certified 100% creep-free. And did you know that Quixtar is also developing a Rhed Sphere and Yello Sphere?

Q: No, I didn't. What do they do?
A: Well, Rhed Sphere is targeted to couples who want a little spice in their relationships. It will sell adult toys, lotions, videos and related paraphernalia within a discreet and tasteful website.

Q: Yikes. That sounds creepy. I don't want my daughter around that.
A: Oh, don't worry. Your daughter won't be allowed access to the site and besides, it's been certified 100% creep-free too. But, if Rhed Sphere's not for you then you might like Yello Sphere.

Q: What's Yello Sphere?
A: It's a site that only sells Precious Moments figurines.

Q: Oh My Gosh. I LOVE Precious Moments! I have a curio full of them!
A: I thought so. I have a large collection too. Anyway, that's some of the things to look forward to from Quixtar. But Blu Sphere is absolutely safe.

Q: Thanks and I can't wait to use Yello Sphere!
A: We'll let you know when it launches.

Q: Yo, Help Desk!
A: You forgot the ™.

Q: Sorry dude. Yo, Help Desk™!
A: How can we help you?

Q: Who the hell is writing the drivel at the Real Quixtar Blog? Is that crap for real? It's awful! Like it's written by some navel-gazing retard. Is it written by a trained monkey?
A: Honestly, the Help Desk™ is not at liberty to discuss who is writing the RQB but we can say it is definitely NOT written by a monkey.

Q: Hmmm. So is it really written by someone at Quixtar or a paid stooge living in Bangladesh?
A: It really is written by someone at Quixtar. That may be hard to believe but it's true.

Q: Can I guess who it is?
A: Go for it.

Q: It's Randy Bancino. Am I warm?
A: That was a good guess but no. You're cold as ice.

Q: Well, I give up. I just really want to know who it is. Why doesn't Quixtar just tell us?
A: Because it's a proven fact that IBOs put most of their trust in anonymous people on the Internet.

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July 29, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 31

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hey, did you hear about that new multi-blogging software that posts stuff to thousands of blogs?
Answer: I'm not sure. What's it called?

Q: It's called Blog-Mothra and it's supposed to revolutionize the way you blog.
A: Interesting. So it could help people with their Quixtar business then?

Q: Absolutely. It allows you to customize your message to thousands of people with a fraction of the effort it would have taken to do it manually.
A: How much does it cost?

Q: Not much really. See, the great thing is that you make money from it. Each blog has Google Ads and when someone clicks them, you get paid. The more blogs you have, the more you get paid! It's that easy.
A: I dunno. It sounds a lot like spam.

Q: It's not spam you asshole. How dare you suggest such a thing. It's insulting.
A: I didn't suggest anything. I just stated the obvious. If you had a white Volkswagen beetle with the number 53 painted on it, would it be insulting if I said it looks sort of like Herbie the Love Bug?

Q: Yes, it would be insulting because it's clearly not Herbie the Love Bug.
A: Right. Well ok then. I'll check out Blog-Mothra and see what it's all about.

Q: Great. Just know that if you share your opinion about Blog-Mothra, that opinion better be positive or else.
A: Will do chief.

Q: Hey, did you hear about that new many-blogging application that publishes content to thousands of blogs?
A: I don't think so. What's it called?

Q: It's called Blog-Ghidrah and it's designed to change the way you blog.
A: Neat. So it could help people with their Avon business then?

Q: Absolutely. It allows you to customize your message to thousands of people with a fraction of the effort it would have taken to do it without Blog-Ghidrah.
A: What's the price?

Q: Not a lot. You see, the wonderful thing is that you earn cash from it. Each blog has Yahoo Ads and when someone clicks them, you get paid. The more blogs you have, the more cash you get! It's that simple.
A: I dunno. It sounds a lot like spam.

Q: It's not spam you punk. How dare you suggest such a thing. It's insulting.
A: I didn't suggest anything. I just stated the obvious. If you had a red 1969 Dodge Charger with a rebel battle flag painted on the top, would it be insulting if I said it looks sort of like the General Lee from Dukes of Hazard?

Q: Yes, it would be insulting because it's clearly not the General Lee.
A: Right. Well ok then. I'll check out Blog-Ghidrah and see what it's all about.

Q: Great. Just know that if you share your opinion about Blog-Ghidrah, that opinion should be positive or else.
A: Will do captain.

Q: Hey, did you hear about that new lotta-blogging application that publishes content to thousands of blogs?
A: I don't think so. What's it called?

Q: It's called Blog-Megalon and it's created to change the way you blog.
A: Keen. So it could assist people with their Passport business then?

Q: Definitely. It enables you to customize your posts to thousands of people with a fraction of the effort it would have taken to do it without Blog-Megalon.
A: What's the price?

Q: The cost is tiny. See, the cool thing is that you earn dollars from it. Each blog has Quigo Ads and when someone clicks them, you get dollars. The more blogs you have, the more dollars you get! Isn't that fun?
A: I dunno. It sounds a lot like spam.

Q: It's not spam you dork. How dare you suggest such a thing. It's insulting.
A: I didn't suggest anything. I just stated the obvious. If you had a black Trans Am with a glowing red light in the grill, would it be insulting if I said it looks sort of like KITT?

Q: Yes, it would be insulting because it's clearly not KITT.
A: Right. Well ok then. I'll check out Blog-Megalon and see what it's all about.

Q: Great. Just know that if you share your opinion about Blog-Megalon, that opinion should be glowing or else.
A: Will do boss.

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July 15, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 30

Posted by QBlog

Question: How can I get in touch with Randy Binnaca?
Answer: Randy who? I don't know a Randy Binnaca.

Q: Or maybe it's Randy Bandito? Bandana? Backgammon?
A: You're not talking about Randy Bancino, VP of Quixtar Sales & Marketing are you?

Q: That might be him. Is he a shortish bald guy?
A: Yes. That's him. Why do you want to get in touch with him?

Q: Well, I went to grad school with him at WMU and he sort of owes me money. See, there was this bitchin' keg party at Frank's and...
A: And you loaned him money for the keg right?

Q: No, nothing like that. See, Randy had a lot of fun. I mean a LOT of fun. I mean, well you get what I mean. It's still known as "The Randy Party." It's legendary at WMU. So there's this one guy there who brought a camera and he started taking a lot of pictures. Basically everything Randy did was on film. But nobody really thought about it until a week later Randy got this envelope in the mail.
A: Blackmail huh? And let me guess, he didn't have the money so you loaned him the cash to pay off the photographer guy right?

Q: No way, but close. See Randy knew this enforcer guy who worked for a loan shark and he asked him to "take care" of the photographer. So of course he didn't have the cash so I chipped in and... uh... let's just say there are no pictures now.
A: Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me Randy Bancino borrowed money from you to pay a thug to get rid of some incriminating photos? Bull. You're making this up aren't you? You don't even know Randy do you?

Q: What? No. Why would you say that? Of course I know Randy. We go way back.
A: What is the shape of the birthmark on the back of his neck?

Q: Looks like the island of Madagascar.
A: Wrong you liar. It looks like Scotland! Admit it. You're a phony and you just made up that bogus story to get on the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ didn't you?

Q: Ok, I admit it. I lied. I don't know Randy and have never been to WMU. But I do have this great story about Ken McDonald.
A: Good-bye loser.

Q: Did you hear that Quixtar reformulated Nutrilite? It now contains retsin.
A: Really? I think I heard something about that. What exactly is retsin?

Q: It's a special ingredient they put in the reformulated Nutrilite.
A: Right. But what does it do? I mean is it a vegetable, animal or mineral?

Q: It's not any of those things. It's a special ingredient.
A: It has to be at least one of those things. It is comprised of something.

Q: Yeah, of course it's comprised of something.
A: Right... So, what is that something?

Q: What something?
A: The something that retsin is made from.

Q: Oh, that something. Well, it makes your breath long-lasting fresh.
A: Ok, great. So what is it?

Q: Did I mention that Double X delivers more phytonutrients?
A: Good-bye.

Q: I'm looking for the Quixtar podcast.
A: What Quixtar podcast? You mean QBlog Radio?

Q: No, that podcast is lame. I mean the official Quixtar podcast from like the Quixtar business opportunity.
A: Yeah, well it doesn't exist.

Q: Doesn't exist? Why not? Podcasting is so cool and it would be a great way for me to listen to all the greatest Diamond motivational speakers on my iPod.
A: Right. Well, first you need to understand how Quixtar operates. After a new technology has been introduced Quixtar will wait until that technology has been used by pretty much everyone on the planet and virtually every other business has been learning how to make money at it and only then does it decide to embrace that technology. And by embrace I mean the type of embrace you give your aunt Edna, you know the fat one who smells like stale cigarettes and you sort of give that side-hug thing to.

Q: I see. No podcast now huh? So when can I expect one?
A: I'd look for one around 2009 and you can learn more about it by going to Countdown9109.com.

Q: Talk about cutting edge.
A: I feel your pain.

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July 1, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 29

Posted by QBlog

Question: I heard Tom Cruise was in Quixtar. I L-O-V-E Tom Cruise. Have loved him ever since he stole my heart in Top Gun? I absolutely must become a Quixtar IBO so that I can be like Tom.
Answer: Actually, you're thinking of Scientology, not Quixtar. Tom Cruise is a vocal proponent of Scientology and to my knowledge, has never been involved with Quixtar at all.

Q: Really? You're sure he's not in Quixtar? Wow. I could have sworn he said something about Quixtar in his Today Show interview.
A: Yeah, I'm sure. Tom Cruise has never been in Quixtar though he did play a sort of sexual self-help guru in the movie Magnolia.

Q: Oh yeah, I remember that movie. It was really weird. Tom and Nicole Kidman were like in some freaky sex cult and everyone wore masks or something.
A: No, that was Eyes Wide Shut directed by Stanley Kubrick. Magnolia was an ensemble flick set in California.

Q: Hmmm... was that anything like Rain Man? I really liked that movie. Isn't that where he says, "Show me the money?"
A: I don't think so. No. Definitely not.

Q: I see. Well anyway, if Tom isn't in Quixtar then I guess I'm not interested. Thanks anyway.
A: Fess up, you've never seen any Tom Cruise movie except Top Gun have you?

Q: Well, uh. No, I saw that one with the race cars. What's it called?
A: Days of Thunder?

Q: No, it was Faster and Furious or something?
A: You mean The Fast and the Furious. You're so busted. Who is this anyway?

Q: Katie Holmes. Why?
A: Just curious.

Q: Why did the Quixtar leaders start blogging?
A: Well, nobody's really sure but there are a few theories floating around out there. The most popular theory is that the Quixtar leaders think the next wave of E-Commerce is MLM Blogging.

Q: You mean blogging about Multilevel Marketing?
A: No, I mean that you get three bloggers to sign up underneath you and teach them how to blog for themselves and get them teach three others to blog and then you retire with your residual income.

Q: Wow but how's the money made?
A: That's the part nobody has quite figured out. But the Diamonds are a bright bunch of guys and they plan to build the MLM Blogging network first and then figure out how to make money later.

Q: That doesn't make much sense.
A: No, it doesn't but it is a popular theory. Another theory is that the Quixtar leaders have a rare neurological disorder that affects them ONLY when they come in contact with computers connected to the Internet. The disorder compells them to post complete nonsense and then duplicate it across multiple blogs. Psychologists and neurologists are baffled.

Q: Well that's just stupid. Any other theories?
A: Well, there's one more. Some think that all the Quixtar leader blogs are typed by lab rats who get chocolates after filling a page with "content."

Q: I'm a Quixtar employee and I love the QBlog. What am I to do?
A: Nurture your love of the QBlog. Don't be ashamed that you love the QBlog. Many people love the QBlog. The QBlog is irresistable.

Q: But I read it and feel so guilty for reading it. What if my boss found out that I read it? I might get fired!
A: Baby, your boss reads the QBlog every damn day. Your boss loves the QBlog just like you love the QBlog. Everyone loves the QBlog.

Q: Yes, I do love the QBlog. It's so funny and witty and informative that I just can't help myself. And I even love those creepy eyes.
A: The creepy eyes know that you love them. The creepy eyes symbolize the all-knowing QBlog. Those creepy eyes are looking right at you baby.

Q: So, I should embrace my love of the QBlog instead of being ashamed of it?
A: That's right. Wear your QBlog love like a badge on your sleeve and you know what will happen? QBlog will love you right back. That's right. In fact, there's a QBlog party at the pool this weekend and all you lovely Quixtar employees are invited.

Q: Wow, thanks. That's awesome. I'll be there.
A: I know you will.

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June 24, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 28

Posted by QBlog

Question: So, let me get this straight. I have to sell 70% of everything I buy from Quixtar or I won't get my bonus?
Answer: That's right.

Q: But that's crazy talk. How can I sell all the products I buy? I buy a lot of stuff and how can I figure out what equals 70%?
A: Well, you are running a business and you'll need to keep up with stuff like that.

Q: Oh my God. This sucks. This totally sucks. Surely Quixtar can't keep up with who sells 70% or not right?
A: Actually, they do have a way to keep up with everything. Each product you order has to be marked for personal use or as eligible for retail. There's a check box on Quixtar.com that you must select for each order. The Quixtar computers keep track of what's for personal use and what's for retail. If you end up not selling things you bought for retail, you go back at the end of the month and indicate that in the system. If Quixtar sees that you're close to violating the 70% rule an email alert is automatically sent to show you how to quickly get back into compliance.

Q: Really? I had no idea? Crap, I've been doing this all wrong.
A: No, not really you dork. I made that up. Of course Quixtar doesn't enforce the 70% rule or monitor what you buy and sell. They could but they don't. It's all very convenient.

Q: Ah, I get what you're saying. So the 70% rule is just to keep the FTC off of Quixtar's back but nobody at Quixtar really gives a crap what the IBO does, right?
A: Officially, Quixtar is very interested in your compliance with the 70% rule. Unofficially... well. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. Say no more.

Q: What's up with this Bruce Anderson character? Is he for real?
A: Bruce Anderson is an alien from the Planet Nepton. He has come to Earth to befriend us and teach us the ways of the Zoovians.

Q: Bruce Anderson, the Quixtar Diamond?
A: Yep. One and the same. He's half Zoovian and half Samoan. Do you think it's coincidence that he set up operations in Florida? Obviously not. Florida is the perfect place for strange beings from other planets to co-exist with humans.

Q: But he worked his way to Diamond in Quixtar. How could an alien do that?
A: Brother, you've got a lot to learn. Most of the Quixtar Diamonds are aliens or at least genetic mutants. You know Randy Haugen? Alien from the Degoba System. Oh, and Dexter Yager. Genetic mutant. He can unhinge his jaw and swallow a baby whole... not that he's ever done it but he could if he wanted to.

Q: That's simply amazing. Gives a whole other dimension to the Quixtar business opportunity. Now it's not just a way to earn a residual income but it's also a way to learn from sentient beings from other galaxies.
A: You know ALF was an alien too?

Q: Yo, I got dis fine honey lookin to hook me up in dis Quixtar bidness. Whachoo know bout this stuff?
A: Well, Quixtar is a business that grows as much as you want it to grow. You get paid based on your efforts. You're in business for yourself but not by yourself. Quixtar is a world of opportunity.

Q: Yo, what the hell you barkin dawg? What kinda smack you talkin'? I just wanna know if I should get hooked up with dis chic's bidness or not.
A: Well, if your sweetheart is an IBO and she would like for you to participate in the Quixtar business opporunity...

Q: Ho- ho- hold on one sec aight? Dis honey ain't got no B-O knamean? She's always wearing dat Tommy Hilfigger stuff. So step off talking bout my honey like dat aight?
A: Ok, it's a misunderstanding. I said "IBO" which stands for Independent Business Owner. In Quixtar you're independent which means that you are in control of your own destiny.

Q: You one a dem Scientonogists or something? Ya know, like Tom Cruise n stuff?
A: Ha ha. No, no, no. Quixtar is NOT a cult. Absolutely not a cult. Nope, it's not a cult at all. What a silly thing to suggest. That Quixtar's a cult. Oh, that's funny for sure. Quixtar IBOs may do some strange things but they're definitely not a cult nor do they act like a cult. I mean, to think that Quixtar is a cult is just silly. Really silly. If Quixtar is a cult then I'm L. Ron Hubbard. Quixtar is so NOT a cult it's not even funny. What's funny is thinking that Quixtar is a cult.

Q: Aight. Well, I'm outta here dude. You ain't been no help you babblin freak. See ya.
A: Good bye and have a pleasant day and remember that Quixtar is not a cult.

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June 18, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 27

Posted by QBlog

Question: Where is the Help Desk™ staff? It's Saturday and there's nothing. No note. No questions. Nothing. Where are you?
Answer: Hey, we're here. Sorry. We just lost track of time. We're visiting Wal-Mart headquarters here in beautiful Bentonville, Arkansas.

Q: Really? Why?
A: Because Wal-Mart is the largest company in the world and we want to learn from the best.

Q: Ok, so what have you learned?
A: Well, we learned that Wal-Mart owes much of its success to effectively marketing itself as a low-cost alternative to traditional retail outlets.

Q: So, is Quixtar going to start marketing its business?
A: No, not at all. Quixtar already has thousands of walking, talking billboards who advertise for free. In fact, many of them pay Quixtar for the opportunity to advertise... uh... did I just say that out loud?

Q: Good point. Word of mouth marketing is highly effective but aren't there a lot of walking, talking billboards who say things like "stay away from Quixtar."
A: I guess. But Quixtar still has an advantage because, unlike Wal-Mart, Quixtar is blessed by God. With God helping Quixtar, all things are possible.

Q: I see. And I suppose Wal-Mart is run by idol-worshipping Satanists?
A: Heck no. It's run by dirty, gay communists.

Q: Isn't Quixtar the number one Health and Beauty website?
A: Yep. That's what they say.

Q: Then why hasn't anyone ever heard of it?
A: Because it's Quixtar's belief that the best way to operate a successful business is to keep that business a secret and hide it from as many people as possible.

Q: That's an interesting strategy. How's it working out?
A: Excellent. Quixtar has been around for over 40 years... I mean Amway has... I mean the Quixtar business model has been working... oh crap. I get so confused. It just works. Trust me.

Q: But can't Quixtar do more to promote its products to the general public? I mean surely there's something that can be done right?
A: Quixtar is doing something. It publishes blogs run by anonymous employees. You can't beat that with a stick!

Q: I got this new Atmosphere thing and it totally blows. Can I get my money back?
A: It blows huh? What's wrong with it?

Q: I just told you, it blows. That's all it does. It's an air purifier so it should suck in bad air and blow out good air. The problem is that it just blows air, like a hair dryer.
A: Well, in order to blow air a device must get that air from somewhere so it has to be sucking air in somehow, right?

Q: I guess you're right but the air in my house just isn't getting any cleaner. Maybe it doesn't work?
A: Well, the Atmosphere Air Purifier works in practically any situation and is guaranteed to automatically clean your air. The only exceptions are if you're running a Meth Lab or something. You're not running a Meth Lab are you?

Q: Ummm. Well... depends on what you mean by "Meth Lab."
A: Pretty straightforward. A lab that is used to make Methamphetamines.

Q: Oh, well if you mean THAT kind of Meth Lab then sure, I got one in the kitchen.
A: The problem ain't the Atmosphere Air Purifier dude. By the way, how'd you get one? I didn't think they were selling them yet.

Q: One of my Meth customers works in Quixtar R&D and he hooked me up.
A: I see.

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June 10, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 26

Posted by QBlog

Question: What's up with this NAO Cosmetics thingy from Quixtar?
Answer: It's a new line of cosmetics designed to appeal to Asian women... and possibly young Asian males.

Q: Asians huh? Is that politically correct to develop cosmetics for a specific race?
A: Who knows? It's been done for years so why should it be a problem? You remember Afro Sheen don't you? Different people have different needs.

Q: And you're sure it's designed for Asians?
A: Of course it is, the NAO website features an Asian woman on the front page.

Q: That's not very convincing. Lots of sites feature Asian women on the front page. That doesn't mean they're designed for Asians.
A: Ok, well who is the most famous Chinese leader of the modern Era?

Q: Ummm... Charlie Chan? I give up.
A: Mao Tse-Tung. That's MAO which is only one letter different than NAO! See the connection? And, what about TAO Te Ching? Again, one letter difference! TAO-MAO-NAO.

Q: You're nuts dude. You've been no help at all. Good-bye.
A: Did I tell you that the cosmetics were made with ginseng?

Q: Hi, this is Mike. I just heard Quixtar is extending its Kick Start recruitment program, is that true?
A: Yes. Quixtar believes the program may become a permanent part of the business. They're also looking at several similar programs that would continue the recruitment initiative that Kick Start began.

Q: Really? Like what?
A: Well, there's Jump Start - where each IBO is given a set of jumper cables for every new recruit who buys an eSpring filter. And there's Smart Start - each IBO gets a set of vintage encyclopedias (circa 1990) for every 10 new recruits who renew at the end of the year. And the last one being considered is called False Start - where IBOs are rewarded for lying to new recruits and making them think they're joining ANYTHING but Quixtar. Each IBO who successfully fools 5 recruits gets a hug from Dexter Yager.

Q: Wow. That's awesome. I heard Dex gives great hugs.
A: You heard right Mike!

Q: Is it ok to date your upline?
A: Sure. I mean, it could present some problems but there aren't any rules against it.

Q: Yeah. Problems. Ok, thanks.
A: Wait. Are you dating your upline?

Q: Oh, well not yet but I'm trying to but she's a tough nut to crack.
A: Explain.

Q: Well, I keep sending her flowers and cards and leaving her poetic messages and asking her out for a date but she's just been really busy.
A: Is she a Platinum? Platinums can be very busy.

Q: Yeah. But she also says things that I don't understand. Stuff like "leave me alone" and "I'm not interested in you like that."
A: Dude. You're stalking this chic?

Q: No, no, no, no... well... yeah. Ok, some may say I'm stalking her but I look at it like this – I'm fiercely loyal to my upline.
A: You've got some issues. I think you should back off her for a while.

Q: But I'm in love!
A: Well, you could always write a country song. "I'm in love with my upline but she don't love me!"

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June 3, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 25

Posted by QBlog

Field Trip!

The Help Desk™ staff is taking a break today to go see Star Wars - Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. We realize that the film's been in theaters for a while but we were waiting for the crowds of freaky Star Wars attired geeks to dissipate first. The Help Desk™ staff hates long lines and detests rubbing shoulders with some 40-year-old loser dressed up like Bobba Fett with a beer belly.

So, we have stuffed our pockets with cheap candy and beef jerky and are about to head down to the Bijou Theater to watch Star Wars. We've heard good things about this movie, apparently that green gremlin guy turns into a robot or something. We love gremlins and robots so the Help Desk™ heartily endorses any movie with both gremlins and robots.

May the Force Be With You! Always!

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May 27, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 24

Posted by QBlog

Question: I want to be one of them Internet Quixtar critics. How can I get started?
Answer: Well, do you have a website?

Q: Website... right... ok, what next?
A: So, you don't have one I take it. How about your IQ level? Are you a Jeopardy guy or more of a Fear Factor guy?

Q: I'm more of a Cops kinda guy.
A: Perfect. Ok, have you ever succeeded in any business at all? Ever?

Q: I one time started to do one of them envelope stuffing businesses but I got tired of licking all them envelopes so I quit that. You mean that kinda thing?
A: Absolutely. So far you're a prime candidate. Another thing you need is the ability to quote everything out of context, can you do that?

Q: Michael Moore was my drinking buddy in high school! Of course I can do that.
A: Awesome. I guess the last thing is time. Do you have the time to spend hours and hours a day writing negative crap about a company you know virtually nothing about?

Q: I already do that, I work for the government.
A: Sweet, I think you're ready to start your anti-Quixtar website. Good luck!

Q: It came! It finally came! My "Girls of AmQuix" pinup calendar finally came in the mail today! I'm so freakin' excited man.
A: I heard about that thing. How you like it?

Q: Oh dude, it is awesome. It's the collectible "Ex-Wives Diamond Edition" and Ms. January is just gorgeous.
A: Wow. I've only seen the "Faces of Birdie" collection and that was, uh, different.

Q: Just wait till the guys at the garage see my calendar. Boy will they be jealous. I'm going down there right now to show them.
A: Alright kiddo. Later.

Q: I got my Quixtar bonus check today and it's not quite what I was expecting. Can you help?
A: Well, how much was it for and how much did you expect it to be?

Q: That's the thing, it wasn't for an amount. In fact, it wasn't really even a check, not a proper check anyway. It was more of a fish-type thing. Actually it was a fish.
A: A fish? Your bonus check is a fish?

Q: A rather large bass from the looks of it. Six pounds, maybe seven.
A: Well, I assure you, that is not from Quixtar. You're obviously confused.

Q: It said it was my Quixtar bonus check. Why would a bass lie to me?
A: Oh, it's a talking bass? Well, why didn't you say that to begin with? Is it offering you three wishes?

Q: You know, that's the first thing I asked it but apparently the wish thing is being rationed out by the "Aquatic Creatures Guild" and this particular fella didn't get his allotment of wishes. But he says if I toss him in the lake, I'll get another Quixtar bonus check.
A: Nope. You'll get that regardless. He's trying to trick you to keep you from eating him.

Q: Is that a fact? Well, I don't like being lied to.
A: Nor do I. So you want this bass recipe or not?

Q: Hook me up.
A: Ok, first you need a pound of butter...

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May 20, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 23

Posted by QBlog

Question: I just don't know about this Quixtar? What can it do for me?
Answer: What can't it do for you? Do you have dreams?

Q: Of course. I had this one dream about an octopus with asparagus tentacles and its head looked a lot like George McGovern and he was chasing me...
A: Not that kind of dream. A dream about what you'd like to be doing one day in the future or a vacation you'd like to go on or your dream house or something.

Q: Well, I have always dreamed of going to Sea World. Seems like a pretty cool place with lots of marine life.
A: Sea World eh? That's it? That's your dream? Pretty lame dream don't you think?

Q: No, I think it's a great dream. It's my dream. Going to Sea World. You going to make fun of my dream now?
A: No, no. Just seems like... well. Maybe you don't need Quixtar to achieve your dreams after all. I mean if all you want to do is go to Sea World, that's not so hard to achieve. Hey, maybe you could dream about owning Sea World, right? That's a dream Quixtar could help you with.

Q: Nah. I don't want to deal with the hassle of owning a marine park. I think I'd just like to visit.
A: Well, then Quixtar's probably a waste of your time then. Maybe look into temp work or something.

Q: Yeah, ok. Thanks.
A: Don't mention it.

Q: I run a blog and I need some help. I usually post crap about school and my boyfriend and Coldplay but last week I made a few comments about Quixtar and... OMG, you just won't believe what happened!
A: Uh, were those comments in any way critical of Quixtar?

Q: I guess so, I mean my friend Mary is totally into this cult thing and all she talks about it Quixtar and she keeps trying to get me to join it and I'm just sick of finding ways to tell her I don't want to be in her stupid business. So, yeah. I made a few comments about how Quixtar has made Mary crazy and all her Quixtar friends are just really weird.
A: I see, and now you're being lambasted by Quixtar-lovers who keep trying to convince you that Quixtar really is the most awesome business by saying clever things like "you're a looser" and "don't be a dream-stealer."

Q: Yeah, exactly. And I mean the comments these people leave, they just go on FOREVER! Write a freakin book why don't ya?!? Maybe they're so repressed that they just jump at any chance to go on and on about their Quixtar? I don't know.
A: Actually, we found that it's impotency. No kidding. Scientific studies have revealed startling high rates of male impotency in IBOs who ramble on and on about their glorious business opportunity. Quixtar is currently trying to get Pfizer to sign on as a partner store.

Q: Too much information. Look, can you help me or not?
A: The best way to get them to leave your blog alone is to do a post where you laud some Quixtar product or service. You don't even need to know what laud means, just say you laud it.

Q: Laud huh? Why laud? Do people still use that word?
A: People in Quixtar use lots of words. Their vocabulary is nearing 50 words last I heard. They just added "prosumer" a couple of years ago and that's been a real crowd pleaser.

Q: I see.
A: Ok, gotta go. Bye.

Q: What does "prosumer" mean and where did the word come from?
A: Great questions. Prosumer comes from the root word "pro" which is short for "prostitute." And "Sumer" is the home of the Sumerians, which are credited with inventing the cuneiform system of writing. Sumer is now part of Southern Iraq. So, Prosumer means "Sumerian Prostitute."

Q: That makes absolutely no sense.
A: That's exactly what Ken McDonald said to me the day he left Quixtar.

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May 13, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 22

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hello?
Answer: Hi.

Q: Is this Yahoo? Because I need some help from Yahoo but it needs to be a secret.
A: Uh. Yeah. Sure, uh, this is Yahoo. What can we do ya for?

Q: I work for Quixtar and we've got a problem. Our workforce sort of rubs people the wrong way and irritates folks who then make posts on the Internet that criticize our business. And there's this one website that has somehow dominated the search results of your competitor, Google, and we would like very much if you could help us out because the owner of that site doesn't say stuff that we want him to say.
A: Interesting. So this website you speak of, what would you like Yahoo to do about it?

Q: Well, can you... you know? Sort of not list it in your search results?
A: Why would Yahoo do something like that?

Q: Because Quixtar has lots of money and the guy running that website doesn't.
A: Aha. Money. I think I understand what you're saying. But what happens when people find out that you're bullying people and abusing Yahoo's search engine to hide criticisms of your business? Won't that seem sort of... I dunno. Big Brother-ish?

Q: Yeah... and?
A: I see. Not one for thinking ahead are you? Ok, I'll see what we can do. By the way, what would prevent the owner of the website you hate from making a similar request about your websites?

Q: Oh. Yeah. Gee, hadn't thought of that. Hmmm. Well, maybe just ignore his requests then?
A: I thought that's what you'd say.

Q: I was standing there talking to my upline, waiting for Quixtar Spring Bonanza DreamZone Conference to start and I looked down and noticed a small hole in the concrete floor of the arena.
A: Shoddy work by the folks who built the arena sounds like. How big was the hole?

Q: That's the weird thing. It was about the size of a quarter but then I noticed it was growing. After about five minutes it grew to the size of a grapefruit and then a basketball. And a weird whirring sound came out of the hole.
A: Oh, now that sounds like a baby worm hole. What happened next. You didn't step into it did you?

Q: Of course not but as it grew in size, large objects were sucked into its vortex a cold light shot out of the center followed by a booming voice that said, "Give me your money."
A: Uh oh. That doesn't sound like an ordinary worm hole.

Q: It was anything but ordinary. It quickly sucked in the entire arena and everyone inside.
A: How did you escape?

Q: I was wearing my Quixtar Worm Hole Resistant Suit which cost over $5,000 but more than paid for itself after today's events.
A: And how. I thought Quixtar discontinued the Worm Hole Resistant Suit line of apparel.

Q: Nope, you're thinking of the Clone-Proof Jogging Suits with the patented Magna-Clock.
A: That's right. Yeah. Well glad to hear the suit worked out for you.

Q: Thanks.
A: Bye.

Q: I haven't joined Quixtar yet but I was wondering if becoming an IBO is a good way to meet women.
A: Absolutely. Many beautiful, single women are building a Quixtar business.

Q: How many and are they hot? No fat chics for me.
A: There are lots of hot women in Quixtar. In fact, the next edition of Achieve features a "Girls of Quixtar" pullout calendar.

Q: Heck yeah. I'm all over that.
A: And next month Quixtar launches it's new dating service called "PV and a Movie."

Q: Excellent. Are there any swinging Lines of Sponsorship?
A: Uh, no. Not if you mean what I think you mean. But I hear Dean Kosage's group is a lot of fun. He's like a rock star or something. And he was raised on a boat. And all new IBOs get a free beverage cozy and bag of peanuts.

Q: Ok, well sign me up.
A: We don't do sign ups, this is a help desk.

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April 29, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 21

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hi, I think I'm having a problem with downline. He never talks and just sits in the corner drooling and humming. What should I do?
Answer: How much PV does he pull in every month?

Q: Around 100-150. Why?
A: Ah, well not to worry then. Your downline is just blissfully happy to be using Quixtar products and he has trouble finding the words to express such joy.

Q: Well, he doesn't actually use the products. He sort of smashes them as soon as they arrive. He sometimes stomps on the boxes without even opening them. It's a scary scene.
A: But his checks do clear right?

Q: Well, sure though I do wonder where he gets the money because he doesn't seem to work anywhere.
A: I understand your concern but it's really much ado about nothing. Your downline just has a unique way of expressing his love of Quixtar and you really shouldn't prevent him from being a unique IBO.

Q: Ok. If you say so. But can you at least talk to him and convince him to quit wearing a lobster bib when he shows the plan?
A: No problem. Put him on the line.

Q: Thanks... one sec.
A: K.

Q: Nnggshhh. Plfffttt bbt.
A: Hello? Hello, anyone there?

Q: Blubbie mmmpppt?
A: Ah yes. Hi. Could you stop wearing that lobster bib when you show the plan. It's unsettling to the new recruits and is not part of Quixtar's Best Practices for Plan Showing.

Q: Deeeeek vrrrmmmm gllippp
A: I see. Well thanks then and have a pleasant day.

Q: Does Quixtar sell condoms?
A: Nope. Don't think so. Let me check... Nope.

Q: How bout sponges?
A: No sponges either. You know, Quixtar doesn't sell any sort of contraceptive devices.

Q: So no spermicide foam?
A: No.

Q: Any Fudge Pops?
A: I'm not sure what you're suggesting.

Q: Does Quixtar sell Fudge Pops?
A: Is that some slang term for a contraceptive?

Q: No, it's a frozen dessert treat.
A: Well... yeah. Quixtar sells those.

Q: Great.
A: Yeah. Sure.

Q: Hello? Hi, my son will not behave and I need some help. I'm beginning to be afraid of him and what he might do.
A: You're afraid of your son's behavior? Well ground him to his room or something.

Q: I can't do that. He's a child actor and brings home a lot of money!
A: I see. Well just ground him for a little while then.

Q: But we're having a new house built in the Hamptons and he brings home a LOT of money.
A: You mentioned that.

Q: So, he's just going crazy. Setting fires, stealing, getting into fights, cursing at people, vandalizing and so much more that I just want to cry. And every time I try to punish him he says he'll run away.
A:Wow. Your kid doesn't need a spanking. He needs to be locked up! Call the cops and send him to Juvey.

Q: No, no, no. You don't understand...
A: I know, he brings home a LOT of money. But don't you know that he's dangerous and may hurt himself and others? You can't let that continue no matter how much money he brings home. If he continues on this path he won't be able to act at all any more and then he won't bring home any money. Your son needs some really tough love right now.

Q: I know. You're right. But it's just so hard and the money... and what if he left? I'd be devastated.
A: You're the parent. You're ultimately responsible for your son. As a parent it's your duty to know what he's doing and discipline him when appropriate. And in this case, it sounds like your son needs to be locked up or sent to a rehab center for a while. What's his name by the way?

Q: Leonard. Leonard Oliver Abernathy.
A: Ok. So what little LOA needs is tough love and a whole lot of discipline. And he needs it now or else he'll destroy himself, you and possibly many more.

Q: Ok. Thanks. I'll try.
A: There you go. You can do it. Won't be easy but I know you can do it.

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April 22, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 20

Posted by QBlog

Question: So is Ken McDonald really retiring?
Answer: Yes. That's what they say.

Q: Don't you think it's odd that this announcement comes less than two weeks before he's scheduled to leave?
A: Perhaps, but don't forget that McDonald is getting old and he does have that farm you know.

Q: Farm? Oh, you mean that Woodchuck Cottage thing?
A: No. I mean his farm. With animals. On his farm he has a cow, E-I-E-I-O.

Q: Ah! Old McDonald's Farm. I get it. So he's retiring to fulfill his dream of living out a childhood song?
A: With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there. Here a moo. There a moo. Everywhere a moo-moo.

Q: I recently became an IBO and I'm astounded by the quality products and the excellent support and the awesome website and my wonderful upline and the...
A: Whoa there Nelly. Slow down. If you continue at this pace you'll run out of adjectives. You know there's an adjective shortage right?

Q: An adjective shortage? I had no idea. That's startling news. When did this bizarre shortage occur?
A: Watch yourself there cowboy. This is serious. But yeah, we became aware of the adjective shortage back in 1999, right before Quixtar launched. Adjectives like "awesome" and "exploding" were almost totally eradicated from the English language. It was scary.

Q: Uh, "exploding" is a verb dude.
A: Not the way Bill Britt used it.

Q: Ok. Well, I'm still excited about the Quixtar opportunity and can't wait until my first conference. I think it's in Dallas.
A: Well have fun but go easy on those adjectives. We don't want to have to start rationing them again.

Q: Hi there. I'm trying to get me some of them motivational tapes but my Direct keeps yapping about the Innernet. Can you help me?
A: It's InTERnet and yes, I think we can help you. Your upline is most likely trying to get you to sign up to some online service so you can download your motivational stuff in digital format instead of carting boxes of tapes around.

Q: What the hell you just say? English boy, speak English!
A: Ok. Do you have a computer?

Q: Sure I got a 'puter. Had it for 20 years.
A: Twenty years huh? That may be a problem.

Q: Look, you gonna help me figger out how to get my tapes or not?
A: Tell you what, come by the office and I'll fill the bed of your truck with tapes. Only condition, you must promise never to call again.

Q: You got yourself a deal.
A: Great. Good-bye.

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April 15, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - Income Tax Edition

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hello. I am wondering if you know why IBOs can't spell.
Answer: Haven't we talked to you before?

Q: I don't think so. My name is doctor Otto Rotcod and I work at the esteemed Palindrome Institute in Belgium. I'm the director of a neurological team that studies brain patterns as they relate to spelling and literacy.
A: Nice to meet you doc. Sounds really... *yawn* fascinating.

Q: Yes, well we've discovered the small part of the human brain that controls functions such as spelling, reading comprehension and to some extent, literacy. It's directly adjacent to the area of the brain where dyslexia develops.
A: ...

Q: Hello?
A: Huh? Oh, hey. Nodded off there for a moment. No more poker night for me. Anyway, so how can we help you?

Q: I'm trying to contact the appropriate authority at Quixtar to warn them of the danger related to our startling discovery. Can you direct me to the right person?
A: Startling discovery eh? What exactly did you discover?

Q: Well, after we identified that spelling sector of the brain, we subsequently discovered that the area also enables humans to feel strong feelings of love and adoration for a certain Multilevel Marketing company and its related motivational businesses. As a person's love for Quixtar increases, his ability to spell and his reading comprehension skills precipitously decline. After years of such rapt adoration many become functionally illiterate.
A: What? That's crazy dude.

Q: Yes, I was dubious as well but we conducted a three year double-blind scientific study of 150 IBOs and 150 former IBOs and the results were shockingly conclusive. One cannot love Quixtar (and its motivational businesses) and continue to spell.
A: Wow. That's really freaky. Quixtar would definitely want to know about this. Call Robin Luymes at (616) 787-6338. He's the manager of public relations for Quixtar and would definitely want to know about this. Thanks for all your work doc, and good luck.

Q: I'm about to file my taxes and want to know what I should deduct as business expenses.
A: Are you an IBO?

Q: Yes, and for the past six years I've deducted pretty much everything. Lunches, trips, travel, phone calls, supplies, meeting fees, subscriptions and you know, stuff like that. But this year my wife is concerned that we'll get audited or something. She says we shouldn't keep making all those deductions if our expenses are still outpacing our revenue.
A: Six years huh? Still no black, all red?

Q: Well, yeah but businesses take time to grow. We've seen growth each year, it just takes time. And the red this year is much less than the red in our first year. We almost broke even this year.
A: Well, I'm no accountant but I know the IRS doesn't smile on folks who take deductions on businesses that lose money year after year after year. You must show them that your business is to make money.

Q: It is to make money. A lot of money. Our upline is so rich, I can't even believe it. He drives a Jag and only works when he wants to. It's awesome.
A: Right. Well you should really consult a CPA and ask his advice. We don't give tax advice.

Q: Hmmmm. Yeah. I figured I'd need to do that. You think we can deduct the CPA expense?
A: Uh, no.

Q: I object to this Assistance Desk?
A: It's a Farcical Help Desk™ — not an Assistance Desk.

Q: What's the difference?
A: A Farcical Help Desk™ helps in funny ways. Ok, maybe helps is a stretch. It mainly is just funny. An Assistance Desk only assists.

Q: Hmmm. But I need assistance, not help.
A: Well, you need a different desk. Call the operator, she can direct you to the right folks.

Q: I called her but she connected me to the Support Desk. I don't need support, I need assistance.
A: I think you may have mentioned that already. I don't know what to tell you.

Q: Oh, hey. You know what? I got the number for the Aid Desk right here. That's what I really need, Aid. Not assistance. Got confused.
A: My brother played in the Aid Desk band once. Called themselves the Aid Band. Clever huh?

Q: I don't get it.
A: Nevermind.

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April 8, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 19

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hi, my name is Bob and I love milk.
Answer: Good for you Bob, what can we help you with?

Q: Help me drink lots of milk. Did you know that milk is an excellent source of calcium?
A: Yes Bob, we know that. And Vitamin D too. So do you need help or do you just like to call people and tell them about milk?

Q: Sometimes I drink goat milk. It's not as yummy as cow milk but I still drink it.
A: Bob, we must let you go. Please don't call again.

Q: But... milk?
A: *click*

Q: I feel really sick...
A: Take Double X

Q: Really? Ok, but will that make me feel better? I mean I have this awful...
A: Drink XS Energy Drink.

Q: But you're not even listening to my symptoms. I really don't think that...
A: Take Nutrilite.

Q: Ok. If you say so. I just don't see how those will help my...
A: Eat Trim Advantage bars.

Q: But I have really bad diarrhea and I'm vomitting. I need help, not some nutrition bars, energy drinks and vitamins.
A: Oh, why didn't you say so? Here, listen to this Randy Haugen tape.

Q: Hi there Helper folks. Can you help me find my keys?
A: Where did you leave them?

Q: See, I was in line at the Kwik Shop and trying to find some change and in walked Dexter Yager and he bumped his head on my knee.
A: He fell onto your knee?

Q: No. He walked into my knee. He's only like two feet tall or something. His nose is perfectly aligned with my knee. Anyway, so Dex bashes his head on my knee and starts screaming in his cute little voice and I looked down to console him.
A: And that's when you lost your keys?

Q: No, actually I just found them. I thought this was a good way to make a "short" joke about Dexter Yager.
A: You tall people are so cruel.

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March 25, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 18

Posted by QBlog

Question: So where is the Help Desk™ today?
Answer: Everyone's gone for Good Friday.

Q: Oh, that's right. Easter is this Sunday. What are you doing for Easter?
A: Uh, the usual.

Q: Cool. I'm going to see Buffo - The World's Strongest Clown!
A: Sweet. Take pictures, ok?

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March 18, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 17

Posted by QBlog

Question: For some reason the Quixtar site doesn't look right on my computer. Any ideas?
Answer: What? Is it all green? Do you see penguins doing the tango? What doesn't look right?

Q: It's really hard to see the whole site. Like the login is hidden on the right side of my screen.
A: Oh. You've got screen resolution problems. Go to Quixtar's helpful (but incorrectly named) page on changing your monitor resolution. Follow the instructions and you're done.

Q: Yeah, I already went there. Wasn't much help. See, I'm on a Mac.
A: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait one damn minute. You're saying you're using a Macintosh with a 640x480 monitor? I think that's illegal in every state except Alaska. What OS version are you running?

Q: Uh... System 7, why?
A: I'm afraid I can't help you my friend. In fact, the law says I'm supposed to report you to the One Infinite Loop Task Force. But I like you so I'll let it slide if you promise to never call again.

Q: But I gotta get my PV up so my sponsor can get his Platinum pin this month! What am I to do?
A: Bye.

Q: Amway = Quixtar Scam?
A: Pardon me?

Q: Amway = Quixtar Scam?
A: Are you asking me if Amway is equal to Quixtar Scam? I don't understand. Are you asking if the Amway business is the same as a Quixtar Scam?

Q: No. Pay attention and I'll explain this slowly so you can understand. Amway = Quixtar Scam? Same or Different.
A: Right. So Amway may be the same as Quixtar Scam or it may be different than Quixtar Scam and you're wanting to know if Amway is the same as Quixtar Scam right?

Q: Right.
A: Hmmmm. That's a tough one. So you're saying that Quixtar is a Scam and you want to know if it's the same or different than Amway? So, essentially you're asking if Amway is a scam right?

Q: I forgot. You're confusing me. Stop confusing me you evil, evil man. Be gone from me you Satan Worshipper!
A: Dude, you got issues. Do I know you? You sound familiar. What's your name?

Q: Randy Haugen.
A: Figures.

Q: How much PV is there on goats?
A: Goats? I don't think Quixtar sells goats. You mean like a real, live goat?

Q: Yes. Goats. I just bought a dozen goats from my upline and he said there's a bundle of PV for buying goats.
A: No. I think your upline is mistaken. You may want to get a refund.

Q: Darn. What about Goat Milk? I got six gallons of Goat Milk and I'm thinking there is lots of PV on that. It wasn't cheap ya know.
A: No. No PV on Goat Milk. You sure you're buying this stuff from Quixtar.com?

Q: Oh. Now that you mention it, I'm going to GoatStar.com. Gee is my face red. Sorry.
A: Naaaaah.

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March 11, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 16

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hey dude! Did you hear that crazy story about that dog that bit that mailman?
Answer: Wha? No, I missed that one chucklehead. Breaking news huh?

Q: Yeah. It was ka-ray-zee man. This dog was like roaming around this neighborhood and come up on this mailman and bit him. Ouch!
A: Right. Ok, bye.

Q: Wait! Wait! Wait! Don't hang up man. Just heard on the news about the Pope, you know that Catholic dude...
A: What, did he die or something? I know he's been sick.

Q: Nah man. The Pope, he wears a pointy hat!
A: ...

Q: Yeah. Ain't that crazy?
A: That's the news? You're a freakin' moron. Get lost. What is this anyway, some sort of phone prank?

Q: Ah man. Don't be like that. I'm just telling you the news. Gettin' informed and all that.
A: I see. Who are you anyway? Do I know you? Something familiar in your voice?

Q: Yeah you know me. We met at that picnic last year. I'm Harold VanderVander, news editor for the IBOAI.
A: Gotchya. That explains this, this and this. Great work Harold. You've got a true nose for news.

Q: Hey, what I gotta do to start getting some of that juicy tool money?
A: 'Scuse me?

Q: The money that you get for selling tapes and Internet subscriptions and speaking and stuff. I want some of that.
A: I know what tool money is, it's just a strange request. To get tool money you must build your Quixtar business to a certain level and then you start getting the money.

Q: How long does that take?
A: As long as you want. Some people do it quickly, others it takes a long time.

Q: So I'm guaranteed a percentage of the tool money when I get to that level right?
A: Well, yeah.

Q: Can I see a copy of the contract?
A: What contract?

Q: The contract that gives me all that tool money!
A: There's no legally binding contract you silly person.

Q: What?!? You the silly person. No contract? Then how do I get my money?
A: The Diamonds that own the tool business give you the money.

Q: But without a contract, they ain't nothing making them give me a dime right?
A: Right. But they will. You can trust them to give you a cut of the money that they receive and are not legally bound to distribute to you because they are just great guys.

Q: Forget it. This tool money stuff sounds too weird for me. I'm going to Vegas.
A: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Q: I am NOT satisfied with Great Hot Buy. I want my money back.
A: Well of course we'd like to help but first we need some information. Where did you purchase Great Hot Buy?

Q: I got Great Hot Buy from Augustus Letang, and shopping at my fingertips was not comfortable at all.
A: I see. Well, we'll do what we can to make it right ok?

Q: Thank you.
A: You're quite welcome.

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March 4, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 15

Posted by QBlog

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk

Question: I got this talking bottle and it's not working right.
Answer: Whoa! Wait. You have a talking bottle?

Q: Uh,yeah. Some Help Desk™ you are. Everyone knows about Rex-The Talking Bottle.
A: Oh, THAT talking bottle. Well why didn't you say so in the first place? Of course I know about Ron-The Talking Bottle.

Q: It's Rex, rhymes with Dex.
A: What did I say? Oh, did I say Ron? I meant Rex but I just got off the phone with a Ron and had Ron on my mind. You ever do that?

Q: Sometimes. Anyway, can you help me with my talking bottle or not?
A: Oh darn. Ron's calling back on the other line and I really need to talk to him. Can you call back in like five minutes? I'm so sorry.

Q: Hello.
A: Hi, can I help you?

Q: You wanted me to call back. Can you help me with my talking bottle or not?
A: Oh right. It's you. Ok, Ron was it? Sure, what's the trouble.

Q: The name's Doug but anyway. See, Rex...
A: The Talking Bottle?

Q: Right. Rex is supposed to "read" my medication instructions to me but lately it's been saying things to me that, well, frankly they frighten me.
A: Let me guess. Rex has been telling you to rip the tags off your mattress right?

Q: Exactly! Yes. Is that normal?
A: No, well it's a defect that was recently discovered in some earlier models. Actually, you're lucky. The later models told people to visit Neverland Ranch.

Q: So is Quixtar doing anything to correct this?
A: Sure, they've contacted the Wizzards and are working on a solution. We'll be sure to let you know.

Q: I was reading this article about Rex-The Talking Bottle.
A: Again with the Rex. Don't rip the tags off your mattress and don't visit Neverland Ranch and you'll be fine.

Q: Huh? No, see I was just wondering why the word "hear" is in quotes.
A: Let me see that. Well damn, that is odd.

Rex-The Talking Bottle is an innovative assistive device that allows users to "hear" recorded medication instructions.

Q: So users aren't really hearing the medication instructions? Instead they're "hearing" them.
A: No, I see what you're saying. I really don't know.

Q: So if I buy Rex-The Talking Bottle from Quixtar then I won't hear the instructions but I will "hear" them being "read?"
A: I guess. I mean they won't be read to you, they'll be "read" to you because it's really not reading them but just playing a recorded message. But I guess you won't really hear the recording but will "hear" it instead?

Q: Maybe it's just a typo?
A: I said the same thing about Rule 6.5.

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February 26, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 14

Posted by QBlog

Question: I heard that the Artistry Research Team uses "the same technology to map the skin’s surface that NASA uses to map the surface of the moon." Is that true and what does it mean?
Answer: It's absolutely true and it means that the Artistry Research Team is using some really state-of-the-art gear to map your face.

Q: Wow. That is so exciting. I've always wanted my face mapped. Sometimes I get confused and a map would really help out. Like one night I kept trying to shove a tuna sandwich (on rye) in my nose because I was thinking it was my mouth. A map would have really come in handy that night.
A: Of course it would and Quixtar's Artistry Face Map will help you avoid embarrassing situations like that. There's even a laminated travel version of the map that fits snugly in your back pocket.

Q: Awesome! I've already order 30 copies of my personalized Face Map. But, I was just wondering, how does the Artistry Team make the map?
A: Well, they do it just like NASA mapped the moon!

Q: And how exactly did NASA map the moon?
A: Ah, you want a history lesson. Ok. Well, in 1969 NASA sent three men to the moon with a Lunar Rover and they set out to map the moon. They drove all around its dusty surface drawing elaborate maps of each crater. There are rumors that the map is really a photocopy of a slice of swiss cheese but I know Neil Armstrong and he's alergic to dairy.

Q: So... Neil Armstrong is going to map my face?
A: No, silly. The Artistry Research Team has a miniturization machine (patent pending) that shrinks a team of Artistry cartographers and deploys them onto the surface of your face to make a detailed map. They even shrink a "lunar rover" to speed up the process. It's all done while you're sleeping.

Q: That's awesome. Man, Quixtar is soo cool. I love it!
A: And Quixtar loves you back big guy. Hugs and kisses.

Q: Wasn't this farcical thing supposed to be on Friday?
A: It is!

Q: But this is Saturday, which is not Friday.
A: But it's still Friday in Australia.

Q: No it's not you dork. They're ahead of the U.S., not behind. That's why they celebrate New Years the day before the folks in the U.S. It's Sunday in Australia.
A: Oh. So maybe we did publish on the wrong day after all?

Q: That's what I'm trying to tell you. Where were you anyway?
A: See, the Help Desk ™ crew was up all night Thursday celebrating Yom Kippur.

Q: Really. Getting an early start huh?
A: Uh.. ok... we really just forgot. Happy now?

Q: Always
A: Bye.

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February 18, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 13

Posted by QBlog

Question: Did you hear the big news about the Quixtar-run Blogs?
Answer: What? That most of them suck?

Q: No, not that. Quixtar is developing its own blogging service like Blogger.com and TypePad.
A: Really? Wow. No, I did not know about that. So how will this thing work?

Q: Well, apparently they are preparing to purchase BlogHarbor and use that existing technology to power their new blogging service.
A: Very interesting, what will it be called?

Q: They're naming it "Quixtar - The Official Quixtar Diamond Commander Powered Blog Tool: Independent Business Owners Reaching Their Dreams By Blogging." That's the beta name anyway. It will probably be something longer when it's officially released.
A: TOQDCPBTIBORTDBB. That's an acronym I can sink my teeth into though remembering it is a different story. Any cool features on this new blog service?

Q: Well, of course it will have RSS but strangely the blogs won't have permalinks, comments, trackbacks or searchable archives.
A: That is sort of strange. Anything else?

Q: Yeah, the sign-up process will be all-new and improved. Instead of registering and creating the blog online, new members will fill out a form and an existing member will contact him in 2-3 business days to set up a meeting at his house. At the meeting the existing member will talk for about an hour or two about blogging, the costs and how easy it is to start a blog. Then, after the blog is created, follow-up meetings will occur every few weeks to explain the process of blogging again and again.
A: That sounds like a royal pain in the ass. On Blogger.com I can have a blog running in about five minutes without having to talk to anyone. Is all that other stuff really necessary?

Q: Oh, absolutely! We call it "High Touch Blogging" and it distinguishes us from other, impersonal blogging services.
A: I dunno. Sounds stupid to me. How much does it cost anyway?

Q: Well, it's only $150 per month BUT you get a bonus check so it's really not that much because it's your own blog, not someone elses.
A: Right. Ok. Well, I'm anxious to see this new service. When does it launch?

Q: September 1, 2005!.
A: It's on the calendar.

Q: Daddy, what's a "farcical?"
A: It's just a word meaning "absurd" or something. And I'm not your daddy.

Q: What's it for?
A: To make you laugh.

Q: I'm not laughing.
A: Join the crowd.

Q: I'm scared.
A: Scared of what?

Q: The farcical.
A: Right. Ok, get lost kid. You're annoying me.

Q: I just got back from Executive Diamond Club in Hawaii and it was awesome!!!
A: Three exclamation point eh? Sounds like it was fun.

Q: Oh my Gosh! I was blown away. You should have heard Dexter Yager speak. He's like an orifice.
A: I think you mean oracle.

Q: Yeah, that. He is so wise and so cute too. Did you know he's only three feet tall? It's true. He's like a little garden gnome. I just wanted to tweak his cheeks and dress him up in a gnome outfit.
A: You know what's weird, I heard Dex has a bit of a green thumb. You should see his hydrangeas.

Q: And you should hear the things Dex says. He's so funny. I bumped into him in the lobby and he said "Mxyzptlk!" What a riot.
A: If only he'd said it backwards.

Q: Huh?
A: Nevermind.

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February 11, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 12

Posted by QBlog

Question: I keep hearing that Quixtar is a 'cult'. What's up with that?
Answer: It's not a cult.

Q: But some people have all kinds of evidence that it might be.
A: Well, that may be, but it's not a cult. If you have any doubts, just keep telling yourself over and over 'it's not a cult, it's not a cult, it's not a cult'

Q: Thanks. That does help.
A: Anytime.

Q: Did you read this article about Quixtar?
A: No, which one?

Q: The one where "IBOAI's Don Wilson lauds new Quixtar Store for More Catalog"
A: No way. Quixtar Diamond Don Wilson has great things to say about the new Store for More Catalog? I can't believe it. Where can I read this article?

Q: The article is at Web Wire and it's really awesome!
A: Web Wire! I heard of that. It's like the New York Times on the Web. Only the New York Times is on the Web so it's like another New York Times on the Web, without the crossword puzzle.

Q: Yeah. And did you know the Store for More is offering clothing, fitness equipment, abd even major household appliances?
A: No, I did not know that. Wow.

Q: I can't wait to read more awesome articles about Don Wilson. I wonder what he will laud next?
A: Well, between you, me and the wall I heard he's getting ready to start lauding blogs. But you didn't hear that from me.

Q: Don Wilson Lauds Blogs? Awesome!
A: Awesome!

Q: I was trying to shop at Quixtar the other day and all the products were just really expensive. Why is that?
A: They aren't expensive.

Q: Uh, yeah they are. A case of soda for $27? That's nuts. That's more than $1 per can.
A: No it's not.

Q: Yes it is. A case is 24 cans. $27 for the case. That is a little more than $1 per can.
A: You forgot to subtract your bonus.

Q: Oh, you're right. Well now it ain't so bad.
A: See how it works? Never forget that bonus. And you're earning PV/BV on that case of soda.

Q: Thanks.
A: You're quite welcome.

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February 4, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 11

Posted by QBlog

Question: I am a new IBO and I want to know, where is the best place to show the plan?
Answer: Is this a trick question?

Q: No. I'm serious. Should I show it in my living room or the prospect's living room or at a Starbucks or in a hotel lobby or what?
A: Well, studies have shown that the best place to show the plan is in a Swedish Sauna. You're both naked, it's hot, your pores open up, you're sweating and the prospect is much more likely to be receptive to your pitch.

Q: I'm not really into saunas. Any other suggestions?
A: Sure. I once showed the plan to a guy on a camping trip. We were out in the woods, all alone, naked, sitting by the campfire...

Q: Whoa! Naked? What's up with the naked?
A: What? You don't get naked when you go camping?

Q: Err... no. Thanks anyway. I guess I'll just go with the prospect's living room.
A: Or, you could go swimming in the lake... late at night... under a full moon...

Q: Let me guess. Skinny dipping?
A: Of course!

Q: Uh.. hello. Am I too old to be in Quixtar? My grandson's taken me to a couple of meetings and all, and well, I'm usually the oldest one in the room.
A: Hey, you do what you want to. Do you want to be an IBO?

Q: I don't have BO! Why would you say I did?
A: No, I mean, do you WANT to become an Independant Business Owner?

Q: I'm retired, sonny.. why would I want to own a business?
A: Well, that's what the meetings are supposed to be about, owning your own business, I mean. Do you want to own your own business?

Q: Hey, are you sure I went to the right meeting? I mean, I plan on going to another one, especially since I won a couple of gift certificates at Denny's last time I went.
A: Dennys? How did you win... I'm sorry were you playing a game at these meetings?

Q: You young people don't listen too well. Besides, you haven't answered my question, do you think I'm too old for Quixtar?
A: Uh.. okay, well, No, you're not too old for Quixtar, I mean, they usually look for a younger crowd and all. Hey, how do you like the XS?

Q: Sonny, I don't discuss sex with someone young as you. You ought to be ashamed for asking!
A: Oh.. sorry, sir. Well, have a great day!

Q: I got a problem with them there motivational tapes ya got.
A: What seems to be the problem?

Q: Well, I ain't motimavated. Listen to about 20-30 every day but I ain't left the front porch in two weeks. Got the motivation of a paralyzed hound dog.
A: Hmmm... maybe you just don't have the right tapes. Do you have any by Randy Haugen? Orrin Woodward? Billy Florence? Bo Short?

Q: Course. I got all them. Even bought one of them Boom Boxes to play my tapes on. Estelle don't like it much but I needs my motimavating.
A: Well sir, I really don't know what the problem could be. They seem to work for everyone else.

Q: Dang blastit. Howm I gonna do that Quixtar biz if I ain't motimavated?
A: Well, do you talk to your upline? Go to meetings? Seminars?

Q: Hell no. The nearest meeting is in Springfield which is a good half-day drive in Ma's pickup. My upline is damn fool. I just need to get some good tapes. You got any real humdingers? Ones that is guaranteed to motimavate me?
A: Well sir. I'm not really supposed to tell you about this but since you really seem like a good guy, I'll let you in on a little secret. Here at Quixtar we've developed a top secret Uber Tape that is the result of extensive research. It's got the most motivational elements of the best tapes and combines them in a potent (and patented) audio formula that is so motivational, a helmet must be worn when listening to it. It's code named "The X Tape."

Q: Well send it on down boy!
A: Ok sir. It's on the way. Good luck and "Flush that stinkin' JOB!"

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January 28, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 10

Posted by QBlog

Question: Where's that help desk guy?
Answer: He's out walking the dog, can I help you?

Q: Yes. I'm looking for a multilevel marketing plan that pays out double to the first three levels.
A: Don't you mean Multi-Level Marketing?

Q: No. Multilevel. No hyphen.
A: I think it has a hyphen.

Q: It doesn't. All one word. Multilevel.
A: What about Multilevelmarketing?

Q: Now you're just being stupid.
A: I really think there's a hyphen in there somewhere. How bout Mul-Ti-Lev-Elmar-Keting?

Q: Right. So can you help me?
A: Oh, sorry. Nope. No idea.

Q: You ever been to Paris?
A: No.

Q: Rome?
A: No.

Q: Honk Kong?
A: No.

Q: Buenos Aires?
A: No.

Q: Well, where have you been?
A: I've been to Uranus.

Q: Such a funny guy.
A: :o)

Q: All my tapes arrived today but there's a problem. They're all the same tape.
A: What's so unusual about that?

Q: Well, I got a box of 500 tapes to distribute to my downline but instead of getting 10-20 different ones, they're all the same!
A: What's the title?

Q: Oh, yeah, forgot to mention that they're all Spanish language tapes too. Called "Me Soy Gusta Palabra" or something.
A: My Spanish isn't so good but I don't think that translates to anything.

Q: It's from memory. I don't know. I just need some new tapes or my money back.
A: Fraid I can't help you there. Look at this as an opportunity to learn a Romance Language.

Q: Get real. I need new tapes. My downline needs them. We NEED the tapes.
A: Whoa, slow down there. Here's what you do. Take a file and scratch off the label on each tape, then give it to your downline and tell them it's an inspirational and instructional tape made by some Mexican Diamonds. Since it's in Spanish, they'll never know the difference between one tape and the next.

Q: You've got a point.
A: Of course I do. Now get scratching.

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January 21, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 9

Posted by QBlog

Question: Hello? Hello?
Answer: *We're sorry. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message.*

Q: Yeah. Is this Ken? Ken McDonald? Hi, this is Joe Land. I guess you missed my other messages... and my emails... well anyway, just wanted to say I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I made a big mistake. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I just kinda got caught up in the hype. You know. You know about that hype stuff. It's just that I really didn't think you'd be sending your...
A: *Beeeeeeep!*

Q: Blasted machine.
A: *If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.*

Q: *Click*
A: ...

Q: What was that all about?
A: What?

Q: Nothing. Ok, I've been eating these Trim Advantage bars for a few weeks and I've lost like 30 pounds but they taste HORRIBLE. Can ya help me out? Have any Trim Advantage recipes or something? I'm dying here.
A: Trim Advantage recipes. Yeah. I got one. Open trash can. Dump box of Trim Advantage in trash can. Eat a bowl of oatmeal.

Q: Har har. I like what they're doing for me but they just taste so bad.
A: Let me see that box cowboy.

Q: Uh, we're on the phone. How can you "see" if we're on the phone?
A: It's a trick I learned in school. Just give me the damn box and shut up.

Q: Ok. Here ya go.
A: Aha! Just as I suspected. You're not eating Trim Advantage bars at all. Someone sold you a box of packaged cardboard. Some prankster has been wrapping thin strips of cardboard with Trim Advantage wrappers and selling them out of his pickup on the side of the road. Where did you buy these?

Q: From Quixtar. I don't know anything about a guy in a truck.
A: Hmmm... Oh wait. Never mind. These ARE Trim Advantage bars. I forgot. They really DO taste like cardboard. 30 pounds huh? I know this one chic that lost 1215 pounds in three months. Let's see you top that.

Q: There's a monkey in my bathtub, what should I do?
A: Is he dirty or clean?

Q: Covered in feces.
A: Yuck. Then wash him.

Q: But how did he get in MY bathtub?
A: Didn't you let him in?

Q: No.
A: Well that's peculiar.

Q: And a bit scary. Can monkeys get rabies?
A: I'm not sure but I have an idea on how to get rid of him.

Q: Really? What?
A: Tell him you'd like to meet with him for an hour or so to show him a special Internet opportunity because he looks just like the type of guy you need for your business that is just about to explode.

Q: I already tried that. He said he's in Passport.
A: Then RUN!!!

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January 14, 2005

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 8

Posted by QBlog

Question: I heard Quixtar's building a state-of-the-art basketball arena in downtown Grand Rapids to try to attract an NBA team?
Answer: Yeah, that'd be kinda weird. What would they call the team? The Soaps?

Q: Funny. I don't think they're at the naming phase yet but some suggestions have been the Grand Rapids T.E.A.M., Definitely Not Amway, Ball Flushers and Players Powered By Quixtar.
A: Would the team have sponsors and Diamonds and stuff?

Q: I doubt it but it would be funny if the team mirrored the Quixtar business.
A: Yeah, half the team would quit each year and only a couple of players would make any money while the rest of the team had to pay the coach for their training and coaching.

Q: Well, it's just a rumor. I called the company to find out about it but nobody seemed to know what thell I was talking about and I was told to ask my upline.
A: Sounds about right.

Q: What happened to that really annoying guy who made up all kinds of crazy rumors to get attention?
A: You mean Geraldo?

Q: No. The guy with that stupid Web site.
A: Matt Drudge? You lost me dude. No idea what happened to your mystery guy.

Q: Oh geez. He was named after a soda or something. C'mon, you remember.
A: Mr. Pibb? Dr. Pepper? Dr. Brown?

Q: I don't know. But hey, why are so many sodas called Doctor something? Why tie a soft drink with the medical profession?
A: Good question. And why no Mrs. or Ms. drinks? Something's wrong in DrinkTown.

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?
A: No.

Q: Don't you want somebody to love?
A: No.

Q: She blinded me with silence.
A: You don't say? It's science, not silence.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Yes. I know my Thomas Dolby.

Q: Didn't he invent surround sound?
A: Uh, yeah chucklehead. He invented surround sound and that noise reduction thing on old tape players.

Q: Speaking of tapes... I got this old Joe Land tape I'm trying to unload. You want it? I'll give you a deal.
A: No.

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December 24, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 7

Posted by QBlog

Question: Is Santa real?
Answer: Yeah. Of course he's real. What? You don't believe in Santa?

Q: I don't know, having some doubts. Like how does he deliver all those presents in one night.
A: Well, he uses FedEx of course.

Q: Really? What about the reindeer and sleigh?
A: Yeah. Well, he uses those too but FedEx helps him streamline the process.

Q: But how does he know what every kid wants and why do some kids not get everything they want and what about those poor kids?
A: Ok. You know what? You win. Santa's a fraud. A big fat, red fraud. It's all a big lie. Everything. The sleigh, reindeer, naughty list, the whole deal. It's all a big scam perpetuated by corporate America to fuel the consumerism plague that afflicts our nation. You happy now?!? Huh? Oh, and the Easter Bunny. Fake too. Hey... what are you doing? Stop crying now kid. Uh, it's not so bad. C'mon. I'm sorry. I just lost it there. I was just kidding, see. And look, at least Quixtar ain't a fraud. I mean that's something right? Here's a candy cane.

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December 17, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 6

Posted by QBlog

Question: So I ordered some LOC from Quixtar and it was delivered by a penguin. Is that normal?
Answer: No. Unless by "penguin" you mean a guy from UPS or some other delivery company.

Q: No, I mean a penguin. You know, the small flightless bird that swims and eats herrings.
A: Yeah. I know about penguins but you should probably call Quixtar and complain.

Q: Complain? Why would I want to complain? He did a splendid job and even swept my front porch on his way back to the truck.
A: He was driving a truck?

Q: Yeah. A big black and white one shaped like a penguin. How else would he be able to make his deliveries? He sure couldn't swim, I live in Arizona.
A: *Sigh*

Q: Hey. I got this really cool idea that I think Quixtar would just love and it would really boost their business. It's XS SOAP! Not only do you drink your energy but you get it while showering!
A: It's been done.

Q: Really? Bummer. And it was such a great idea. Well, how bout LOC deodorant?
A: You might be on to something there. It removes stains while it fights body odor. Interesting.

Q: Yeah, yeah. And how bout the Trim Advantage Fitness Machine? Cool huh?
A: Hmmmmm. I think you may be one of those people who is just obsessed with duel-use products. You don't happen to own an El Camino do you?

Q: How'd you know?
A: I'm psychic. *click*

Q: Is it ok to shoot Christmas carolers?
A: Of course not you Scrooge. Why so humbug?

Q: They've just been singing outside my house every night for the past week and it's really annoying.
A: I understand but try to get in the Christmas spirit.

Q: Actually, they're not really carolers per se, more like dogs howling.
A: Even if they sound like dogs howling, it's the spirit that matters, not the tune.

Q: No. Now that I think of it they are actually dogs. Real mangy mongrels howling and barking around my house.
A: Uh... sir. Put down the scotch and get to bed.

Q: And it looks like they're being brought here in a black and white truck and herded around by...
A: Let me guess, a penguin?

Q: Yeah.
A: Well, I still think you're drunk but you might want to see if you can get the penguin to sweep your front porch. I hear he does a great job.

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December 10, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 5

Posted by QBlog

Question: I saw National Treasure last weekend and wondered what would happen if IBOs found out about the untold riches buried beneath Quixtar headquarters in Ada, Michigan.
Answer: I didn't think we were supposed to talk about that... I mean... Treasure? What treasure?

Q: Yeah. And there's a map on the back of every signed BSMAA that's only visible when you soak it in XS Energy Drink and hold it up to the moonlight.
A: I really don't think we should be talking about this over an unsecured phone line... what's that beeping sound?

Q: Hmmmmm. Sounds like it's coming from my jacket here. Weird.
A: Would there happen to be a black SUV parked outside your house right now?

Q: Let's see... Actually there is. How did you know?
A: RUN!!! Just run man, run! Get out and run!

Q: Did you know that Ken McDonald was once arrested for flashing a women's volleyball team in Vancouver?
A: Really? How do you know this?

Q: I was there man. Got the whole thing on tape.
A: Wait. You have video of Quixtar's Managing Director flashing a group of athletic women?

Q: Well, no. Not THAT Ken McDonald. I'm talking about my neighbor Ken McDonald from Boise, Idaho. We worked together one summer parking cars at a country club.
A: You dork. Go away.

Q: Don't you want to see the video?
A: No! And I'm a little worried that you want to see it.

Q: Yeah? Hello? Can you hear me? HELLO!
A: Yes. Hearing you fine. What's the problem?

Q: Hello? I got this problem with your Quixtar and I need me some help. Hello?
A: Yes. Right here. It's not really my Quixtar but continue. What's the specific problem?

Q: It's my boy. He ain't too bright, see. He's a few bricks shy of a load if you get my meaning. Anywho, he got to playing around with the Quixtar and done stuck himself to our Golden Retriever "Teddy Roosevelt." He's stuck there pretty fast too. It's an awful sight.
A: Wait. Quixtar has somehow fastened your son to your dog? Are you talking about a specific product?

Q: Of course I'm talking about a product. It's yer damn glue. The Quixtar glue. It's good glue and seems plenty sticky but... well I got myself a situation and was hoping you could help me out. You got like a glue antidote or something?
A: Sir, I think you are confusing QuickStar the Super Glue with Quixtar the MLM.

Q: Hmmm... Well can ya help me at least?
A: Try tomato juice. I think that works on stuff like this.

Q: No. That's for getting rid of the skunk smell. We had to use that last week when my boy brought home a wild skunk thinking it was a stray kitty cat. Did you know them skunks not only stink to high heaven but they got some sharp teeth too. Ouch.
A: How bout mayonnaise? Or maybe it's peanut butter?

Q: Hadn't tried them but we out of both so I best get in the pickup and head to the store.
A: Ok. Sorry I can't help you more. Hope everything works out.

Q: It better. If it don't then maybe I'll send one of them funniest video things in and win a million bucks.
A: Go for it.

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December 3, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 4

Posted by QBlog

Question: I'm having problems logging into the Quixtar Web site. Can you help?
Answer: Finally! A real, honest-to-God Help Desk™ question. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Q: So... can you help?
A: Well, no. Not really. You should probably call Quixtar or your upline or something.

Q: Gee thanks. Lot of help you've been. I could have figured that out on my own.
A: But you didn't, did you Einstein? Oh no. The second you see an error you come running to the Help Desk™ like a little baby. Waaaah. Help me. I need help.

Q: But this IS a help desk?
A: Oh, yeah. Good point. Nevermind.

Q: Oh my God. I just majorly screwed up. I was prospecting this guy and he asked me what business I was in and I told him Quixtar instead of Ned's Internet Retail Biz. What should I do?
A: Calm down Ned. That's a common beginner's mistake and not something you can't recover from. I mean it's not like you told the prospect it was Amway or anything right?

Q: Uh... well...
A: Oh crap, you told him this was Amway? What were you thinking Ned!

Q: I don't know, I don't know. I was just so confused. I was in the mall and all those lights and the crowds and the noise. I just lost it. And he kept saying, "this sounds like Amway, is this Amway?" And I just froze.
A: It's ok Ned. The important thing is that you learn from this mistake.

Q: Right. You're right. Thanks. I feel better now.
A: Great. Now wipe your nose and get back out there. Just one word of advice, skip the malls and try bookstores. A much more relaxed environment.

Q: I still can't log onto the Quixtar Web site.
A: You again? I told you I can't help you.

Q: See, every time I turn on the computer I keep getting CNN.
A: Go away and bother your upli... CNN? Maybe you have some weird virus or adware that forces your browser to the CNN site. What browser are you using?

Q: Browser? I don't know. I'm computer illiterate. Whatever came with the computer.
A: Well, it's probably Internet Explorer and probably an older version too. I suggest downloading Firefox and using that instead. Make sense?

Q: You lost me at Internet Explorer. What do I do?
A: *Sigh* Does your browser have a little blue "e" at the top right and does it say Internet Explorer at the top?

Q: I don't think so. I don't see that anywhere. I just see a red CNN at the bottom left. And Larry King is talking about some movie or something.
A: Larry King? What is the URL in your address bar? Does it say CNN.com?

Q: No idea what you're saying... Hmmm... Wait. Now it's on MSNBC.
A: Ok. So you're at MSNBC.com. Did you type this in your address bar or click a link?

Q: I think I just hit a button on the remote.
A: The remote? Wait a second. You're watching TV you moron. You're not even at the computer.

Q: Oh yeah. You know, you're right. No wonder I couldn't log in. Boy, do I feel silly.
A: Why do I even bother?

Q: Thanks buddy. I gotta run. Big Emerald and Diamond meeting tonight at the hotel. If I could just find my keys.
A: They're in your pocket. Now go.

Q: How did... how did you know that?
A: Just a hunch. Now leave and please, don't ever come back.

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November 24, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 3

Posted by QBlog

However, since Thanksgiving is this Thursday and the QBlog will be taking a holiday break this Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ will publish today... a Wednesday... not a Friday.

Question: Yeah, I'm an IBO and I want to help out in this Quixtar Web Initiative thing. What I gotta do?
Answer: Well, first you need a blog. Do you have a blog?

Q: Nah. Don't care much for them blogs. But I gotta get one of dem eh? Ok, then what?
A: Well, then you must give your blog a really long and redundant name like "Quixtar IBO Blog About Independent Business Owners Product Review Blog of Triple Commander Diamond Man: Real Quixtar IBO News Info Site Powered by Quixtar Dreams."

Q: That long huh? Well, if the Big Guy says so, I guess it's the right thing to do. Yeah. Alright, so now what?
A: Start posting about how your upline cured cancer, paid off the national debt and rescued the little girl who was trapped in the well. Be sure to pour it on thick and sweet, the thicker the better.

Q: Got it. Sounds easy enough. That it?
A: Well, be sure to work the word "Quixtar" into every single post. Even if you're sharing a favorite recipe, figure out a way to mention Quixtar with a link back to the Quixtar home page or some other IBO blog.

Q: I heard Quixtar's going to start selling Porn. Any truth to that?
A: That's just plain crazy talk. Where'd you hear something like that?

Q: My best friend Larry, he works in the porn industry and heard that Quixtar's been doing some very quiet market research and they think they can quickly dominate the MLM porn industry.
A: Dude, there is no MLM porn industry.

Q: ...Yet. No MLM porn industry yet baby. Think about it.
A: No. I don't want to think about it. That's just... just disgusting. Quixtar porn. Ack.

Q: It would give a whole new meaning to the phrase "edify your upline."
A: Stop. Leave now please. Get going. Sheesh.

Q: My upline wants me to sign this BSMAA. What do you think?
A: It's up to you. Be sure you've read it and understand what it's all about. Maybe have a lawyer look at it first.

Q: Right. That makes sense. Ok thanks.
A: Oh, and well, be sure you read the fine print.

Q: Yeah. Of course. That's a given.
A: No. I mean the FINE print.

Q: Huh? Um I was planning to read... can you explain. I'm totally confused.
A: Look, some kids were playing around a couple of weeks ago and put the BSMAA under a microscope. Nobody knows why they did this but they're kids, go figure. Anyway, one of the kids discovered some microscopic print at the very bottom of the BSMAA that is... well... a bit troubling.

Q: Troubling? Like how?
A: Well, read it for yourself. The graphic to the right is a magnification of the BSMAA (pdf). The fine print is barely visible but if you look at an even larger version, the troubling message is clear.

Q: Wow. That's scary
A: Yes. Yes it is.

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November 19, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 2

Posted by QBlog

Question: Is it true that most Quixtar IBOs are functionally illiterate?
Answer: What? Who told you that?

Q: I mean they're always listening to tapes and CDs, you never actually see them reading anything do you?
A: They listen to tapes because it instructs and motivates them while they're doing other stuff, like driving their cars or mowing the lawn. That doesn't make them functionally illiterate.

Q: But why can't they spell simple words like "loser" and "quitter" or know when to capitalize words and use proper punctuation? Is habitually butchering the English language a prerequisite for joining Quixtar?
A: No but it sure helps.

Q: So is there any truth to the rumor that Quixtar was starting up a task force to provide IBOs with basic grammar skills. Any truth to that?
A: Yes, they're calling it Operation Spell Check.

Q: I'm a Web usability consultant and I was just visiting the Quixtar Web site and... well, what happened?
A: Been wondering the same damn thing.

Q: But their home page has just become this giant link dump, it's crazy.
A: Tell me about it, I know. But I have this theory that they're testing a new bonus system.

Q: Related to the linkfest?
A: Yeah. See, each link gets an IBO like 10 pv and each click gives him 20 bv. So the more links, the more the IBOs get paid and everyone is happy.

Q: Hmmmm. But won't that...?
A: Yes. Eventually Quixtar could become an unnavigable link-infected horror. We'll see what happens.

Q: Dude. I got a problem. Every time an IBO comes near me at the mall or Wal-Mart, I start freaking out and going berserk.
A: So what's the problem?

Q: Uh. The part where I freak out and go berserk. Like how can I stop that?
A: Stop going to the mall and Wal-Mart.

Q: That's not a solution. That's stupid.
A: You asked. It's not like you can prevent IBOs from stalking strangers in malls and hassling them to come to their "mysterious meeting." I mean, this is America dude. You can't stop free enterprise.

Q: Well, I wasn't trying to stop them. I was trying to find out how to quit freaking out. I know about freedom and all that. So can you help?
A: Sure, ok. Well, just do what I do and get really, really drunk before you go to the mall. Then when the IBO approaches you won't really care what the hell he's saying nor will you really understand it. And you may get lucky and score a ride home.

Q: Now that's some good advice. I'll start drinking right away. Thanks.
A: Any time my friend. Any time.

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November 12, 2004

QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 1

Posted by QBlog

Question: I was in Barnes & Noble last night and I think some guy tried to recruit me into Quixtar. What should I do?
Answer: Next time, try curling up in the fetal position and moaning loudly. That usually gets rid of them and makes the Barnes & Noble employees chuckle.

Q: No, seriously. I gave him my name and number and he's trying to get me to go to some GlobalWide Fantasy Constructors meeting. What should I tell him?
A: Do you want to go?

Q: Well no, of course I don't want to go.
A: Gee. I don't know. Why don't you just tell him something like — "I don't want to go!"

Q: Hmmmm. That just might work. Thanks QBlog Farcical Help Desk™.
A: Don't mention it.

Q: I've got this itchy rash on my...
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there partner. This is a help desk, not a doctor's office. Take that rash somewhere else.

Q: But see, it's spreading here and when I lift up my shirt you can see how it's turning green.
A: Hey. Speaken de English? No rashes. Get your nasty rash to the doctor.

Q: But I need help and this is a help desk right?
A: *Sigh* Yes but not for that kind of help. Security. Little help here.

Q: Ok, ok. I'm going.
A: Good. Now scoot.

Q: So how's this help desk thing going?
A: Not so good I'm afraid.

Q: Gee. That's too bad. But it looked so easy and funny when Moltz did it. What happened?
A: Well, for starters I'm no John Moltz. And secondly, the subject of Quixtar is a little more difficult to lampoon than Apple Computers.

Q: Really? Why's that?
A: I think it's because everyone is so serious about Quixtar and there's the fear that something satirical will be misunderstood.

Q: I see. That is a pickle now isn't it?
A: Yeah but I'm sure part of it is just finding that groove. Rome wasn't built in a day and let's face it, Quixtar is RIPE for lampooning. If there's any MLM that deserves a good satirical kick in the pants it's the Big Q.

Q: True enough. Good luck to you then and hope next week's installment isn't such a stinker.
A: Thanks. I think it will work out.

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