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October 24, 2006
D. Robison, PR Guy / The Upset Gnome
By David Robison in
It was a party. A party like the other hundreds I had attended. Halle Berry was pestering me to co-star in her next movie; Danica Patrick was begging me to go for a ride in her car; and Rosie Perez had this idea that if she sat in my lap; I could make her talk without moving my lips.
I was about to take Danica up on her offer when I heard this annoying high-pitched voice say, "Hey Robison!" "Hey Robison!" "Down here, you yutz!"
I looked around, but I couldn't see anybody.
That's when I woke up. I was in my office. It was morning. I had once again slept at my desk. The monicker is Robison; I'm a PR guy.
I rubbed my eyes and reached for my "smokes". That's when I heard the voice again.
"Hey Robison! Down here, you putz!"
Startled, I surveyed my office to no avail. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain at my ankle, and looked down. There at my feet stood a creature... no wait...a man...a tiny little man, no more than a foot high. I must admit, he may have been shorter, but his large cone hat made him appear taller. He was dressed in a red robe and had a beard that almost touched his toes.
"DID YOU JUST BITE ME?!" I screamed.
"You'll get over it. I had to finally get your attention." He explained.
"Who...what the hell are you?" I asked.
"I'm a gnome; "Will The Intolerable", to be exact." He answered.
"Will the intolerable, what?" I asked.
"No, you moron, 'Will The Intolerable' is my name."
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Look here, Robison, you work for Quixtar, right?"
"Well no, not exactly; although I have consulted for them on occasion"
"Whatever...well, I've got a bone to pick with those guys." the little guy said.
"Really? Join the crowd." I said, "That's all Quixtar needs is one more critic."
"Will the Intolerable" continued, "I want YOU to relay my message to them!"
"What's your message?" I inquired.
"STAY OUT OF THE LAND OF WILL!" It's my land, and ONLY my land!" He screamed.
"Okay, first," I said, "Please quit screaming. It makes your little high pitched voice even MORE annoying...and second, Are you talking about the "Land Of Will" Quixtar commercials?"
"Yeah Bozo, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Quixtar has these commercials talking about the 'Land of Will' being filled with Opportunity, and Hope, and they're saying a half million people live in the land of Will."
"Yeah, so?" I was a little confused by Will's complaint.
"Well that's all lies. There are about 40 of us living in Will, and it's filled with radish patches, trees, a couple of foxes, some deer, and one really tall Hobbit, that we keep around for security. We don't want you tall-assed bastards moving there. There is absolutely NO OPPORTUNITY for you there."
"Will, Will, Will, you don't understand...the Land of Will is a metaphor for those wanting to register as Quixtar independent business owners. It symbolizes those determined people wanting to change their lives by owning a business, an opportunity to succeed, to better their lives. With the determined "will" to succeed, the opportunity is available with Quixtar."
I thought I explained the concept pretty well.
"Oh really?" he asked, "Well, they should have checked with me first! I don't like it. I won't put up with any tourists searching for better lives on MY land."
But Will, you won't see any tourists. No one is actually going to believe there really is a land called Will. Hell, I'm having trouble believing that I'm talking to a real live gnome named Will. Are you any kin to that Travelocity gnome?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, he lives in the Land of Cheap Sell-out for Big Bucks. I write a blog about how sorry his company is."
I couldn't believe it. "You have a blog?"
"Sure," he said, "doesn't everybody?"
He had a point.
The little gnome paced back and forth at my feet. He would walk underneath my desk and then walk back to my feet; all the while, mumbling to himself. He would looked up at me in disgust and then would begin to pace (and mumble) again.
I watched him.
He watched me.
Finally, I decided to light a cigarette and give the issue some thought.
As I inhaled the nicotine and comforting smoke, I decided to see if I could help Will the Intolerable Gnome with his problem.
"Okay Spud," I said, "let's see if we can help you out."
The gnome stopped pacing and intently gazed up at me. A slight scowl on his bearded face.
"You think that these Quixtar commercials are going to cause you and the residents of The Land of Will some problems with tourists, "lookie-lou's" and general curiosity seekers looking to settle down, right?"
"Damn straight!" he said.
"Okay," I said, "I can almost guarantee you that nobody is gonna come looking for the Quixtar Land of Will in your little world, BUT, if you are worried about it, I have the solution for you."
The little gnome continued to look at me expectantly and I wouldn't make him wait for the answer.
"Gather all your residents of Will; bring along the Hobbit, you're gonna need him for some heavy lifting." I said.
I continued, "I want you to build two big signs and erect them on either side of the road leading into your Land Of Will. The first sign should be placed on the left side of the road, it should read, 'Welcome to the Land of Will' and underneath that caption should be the lines, "NO Phones" "NO Bookstores" "NO Internet Access"
Will The Gnome looked at me and started taking notes.
He said, "Okay, this is good, what do we write on the other side of the road?"
I said, "Okay, the next sign should be taller than the first, painted completely white, and at the very top, write, "Quixtar? Leave your comments here"
Will The Gnome questioned me, "What will that do?"
I said, "Trust me, Will; if the first sign doesn't scare them off, the second sign will completely distract them and they'll never make it past the sign or ever enter your territory."
He smiled. I think it was a smile.
"Now," I said, "Do you feel better?"
"Yes, I think I do" he said, "What do I owe you?"
I thought for minute.
"I'd really like to ride in a car with Danica Patrick"
"So?" he asked, "What can I do about that?"
"Don't you grant wishes?"
He laughed in a little squeal, "Naah, you're thinking about leprechauns."
"Damn," I lamented, "Then, my fee is $200 bucks."
"I don't have $200 bucks!" he screamed.
"Hmmmm...okay Will, then I'm afraid we'll have to come up with another form of payment."
EPILOGUE
I gave my partner, Skyler, a week off. Will decided to stand-in for him. He tells some pretty funny jokes, and I don't have to worry about my lips moving. Personally, I think I could have had better success using Rosie Perez, but you can understand Will just a little bit better.
Comments
Finally a hillarious post after FHD, LOL.
Good stuff Dave!
FHD?
That was by far the stupidest short story I have ever read. I am now dumber after having read it. Where do you find the time?
FHD = Farcical Help desk QBlog used to write. Funniest stuff here.
>.>
>.>
O_o
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That was wierd, funny, odd, "entertaining" to some extent..
That was brilliant!!!! LOL!!!
Thanks, Dave!
Deb
I'm glad we have choice on the internet ; (
Great stuff, as usual, Dave! Glad you still got the creative juices flowing even when life is handin' out lemons. Keep it coming!
Life's handing lemons to Dave or to QBlog?
(For those who doesn't know, Jesus spoke directly with QBlog for protecting his sons from false christianity)
Someone tried to recruit me last night fir quiXtar, and we went to the initial 1 hour seminar i guess. Oh, the humanity. And that prick did not tell me before hand the company name and where we were going. I thought, I was going to go for a computer job interview because I got a hint from him og e-commerce. He knew what my intentions were. Oh, the prick.
To, top it all of, didn't the prick know that my family had a experience with an Amway sales rep. Because my had some debt of gratitude to this sales rep, in 1988, we bought from her a $500- for just a set pots and pans. The explaination for the pize was that they have lifetime warranty.
Sorry for some spelling mistakes, but thank you for a chance to blow off my steam. What a wasted night?
Joseph,
I agree with you. I'd be upset too! I don't understand what all the secrecy is about. IBO's need to just let people know that this is a legit, real opportunity to take advantage of the trend in online shopping.
Being affiliated with Quixtar is nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a few of the IBO's in this biz who handle things inappropriately and incorrectly.
Please don't let a few "rotten" IBO's spoil the whole bunch of legit, honest, hardworking IBO's.
I wish you much luck.
Anon
Few IBOs eh!
I have had my share of IBOs prospecting me. Just one (a 600Pver) told me the company name.
In my team it was taught how to invite ppl without saying company name. Since they must have heard bad stuff about company bllah bllah.... (BWW, Gala LOS)
Wait till insider explains how correct they are :)
I'm still here. Oh yeah, the company name was only revealed close to the end of the one hour presentation. And I was the guinea pig in front, who was always questioned by the presentor.
Correction, it was not $500-, but $1,500- that my family paid for the $75- pots and pans.
LOL. To finish the story, after the presentation they have given me some useless phamplets and told me that I have to reach my sponsor whithin 48hrs to ask any question I have. I have to pay $340- Canadian as an initiation fee. I would also get the book "The Next Trillion" by Paul Zane Pilzer. I just looked, it only cost $18.00 bloody dollars and if discounted at $9.00 if you buy 500+ pieces.
IMO, the 48hrs is needed because the awe of the speech will dissipate. And after 48hrs, the company name will be tarnish from personal research. I admit I almost got suckered into it, but once I googled quixtar it was history.
LOL.
Poor quixtar, they should have shorten it to half an hour, instead of 48hrs.
Imran,
How long ago were you in? BWW & Winters must really be stuck in the 'ole scamway model of teaching....that's not what we're taught in WWDB. There's NO reason to be secretive. By the way, ever notice how Melaluca & Herbalife & Sunrise & Nikkien are all "secretive" as well???
Joseph,
You "googled" Quixtar? I really hope for your sake, that wasn't the extent of your "research". Unless you're young, inexperienced and/or just plain dumb....you'd know to do some thorough research. Like ask for references. Like GRILL the speaker & higher level PINS with questions that may have risen out of your "googling" online. Like research the many 3rd party, objective sites that analyze companies like Quixtar & organizations like WWDB.
Once again. I wish you luck. I don't know what you do....but I'm sure it beats the hell outta the lifestyle any Ruby & above has.
Keep up the great work & "positive" attitude.
Anon
Hi anon,
Could you please expound on the lifestyle of Rubies and above?
I was in Bww in 2002-2003. Secrecy was taught in my LOS big time.
You "googled" Quixtar? I really hope for your sake, that wasn't the extent of your "research". Unless you're young, inexperienced and/or just plain dumb....you'd know to do some thorough research.
So quixtar google bombing failed and now google sucks eh!!
I'm a programmer and my biggest secret is I know how to search code using....google. I don't go to "famous programmers", I google it, copy paste, hack / modify, done.
Many researchers use google. Nothing wrong with it. Why attack on google? try fixing the bad practices.
Too bad Quixtar is revealed on google.
"Like GRILL the speaker & higher level PINS with questions that may have risen out of your "googling" online. "
In BWW you'll be labelled as having "Detailitis". Good luck doing that.
Joseph, where in canada? Toronto?
Rara,
Typically, at Ruby & above, you should be making $100,000-200,000 a year - net, per the plan. Maybe more, maybe less...depends on how you build it.
That level of income should certainly help someone get rid of, or at least significantly lower their debt. Hence, the financial stress is down & marriage relationship would be better (again, typically). MOST of the problems in marriage tie directly back to financial issues.
At that income level (on a part time basis), one could cut back on job hours or possibly even quit their job to be able to spend more time with their loved ones. Maybe travel? Volunteer? Many options when you don't have to report to a "boss".
The monies could be donated & put into a retirement account (50/50 split) or even into a college account.
Rara, whether we like to believe it or not...reality is....people live paycheck to paycheck. We did. Until my husband's most recent employment opportunity (actually we now own the company). So, now we have a little left over after paying all the bills. The tradeoff? Hubby is gone ALL THE TIME! WORKING! To MAINTAIN!
There is ALWAYS a tradeoff. With everything. Even the Quixtar business model. However, with his "day" business....there is no light at the end of the tunnel. No end in sight.
With our Quixtar franchise, we DO have hope that we will have the ability to have a retirement fund. Or maybe even retire by the age of 50. In the short term (5-10 years) we'd like to be able to fund enough to buy back some of my husbands' time.
It has become commonplace for women to put their kids in daycare & go to work. Why? Because they want a nicer house like their friends. They want to drive a nicer car. They want to wear the latest fashions. They justify it by saying that it's a GREAT daycare & my child just LOVES the people there. They even con THEIR parents (the grandparents) to take care of their own kids!!!!!!! IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!! We're letting OTHER PEOPLE raise our own children & then we're shocked when they grow up pissed off & they don't want to hang out with mom & dad. Why should they? Mom & dad didn't want to hang out with them when they were little!!! And I constantly hear people write it off as "well, that's teenagers for ya!".
NOT!
Wow. I guess I'm pretty passionate about that subject. Sorry Rara. Hopefully, you get my point.
Imran,
Chill out man! I didn't "attack" google on anything! My statements didn't have anything to do with google!!! It had to do with the amount & level & integrity of the research being done.
Go and read it again. Maybe you'll get it this time.
Anon
Oops! Oops! Oops! I meant to say GROSS...not NET! Sorry Rara! Those dollars, I believe, are before paying out to their downline & before business expenses.
Still, pretty darn good part-time income!
Anon
Hey, The president uses The Google. And the internets are good source of information. Don't try denying that!
Have a great weekend ;-)
"People who left the organization were considered to be miserable, degraded, losers who had committed crimes against the group."
That's how they treated me last night, when I told them that I did not want to join quixtar. Oh brother, they played me by the book of "Merchants of Deception" I'm only halfway the first chapter and I find the similarities in the book on how i was being duped. LOL.
In the book: "The word Amway was spoken only once in the two-hour presentation."
I said here: "the company name was only revealed close to the end of the one hour presentation."
In the book: "Before they left, Kerry and Chris had arranged to come back in two days to pick up the information and to answer any questions we had."
I said here: "... told me that I have to reach my sponsor whithin 48hrs to ask any question I have."
Amazing! Can I make my own book now? LOL!!!
Oh man, am i abusing this blog? I'm sorry., but I remembered that the Ray Kroc analogy was on my presentation, and the book told me so.
How, I wished that I have read the book before I that seminar. I would have more fun. hehehe!
I quit comparing my experience and chapter 1 of "Merchants of Deception" because it is all there. amazing cult! No originality.
Hey Josephs
Good job thinking rationally and not letting the empty hype overcome common sense. Did you think to ask about taking a look at the prices first or enquire about shipping?
Did they also mention the "proven system" of educations?
Whereabouts in Canada were you preospected? I'm curious as to what organization was recruiting you.
Thanks for the compliments and the critiques; they all help.
But, I'm surprised no one has mentioned just how hot Danica Patrick is.
Dave
She looks skanky/trashy. But I'm just a girl. :)
Rara,
Would it help to know she looks a lot less trashy in her Indy Driving Suit?
That would be the suit she dons to race at 212MPH beating most of the men on the track.
But, if not, then you'll have to understand the "trashy can be attractive" attitude of this small town boy.
Awww who am I kiddin? I'm just a man that likes to see half dressed women. :)
Dave
David,
(Surprisingly) I know who she is. And I'm impressed by her exploits on the race track.
I also know lots of men like the trashy look. That's why I wrote: I'm just a girl.
By the way, hilarious story! As I always say: Dave, you are awesome!
David,
(Surprisingly) I know who she is. And I'm impressed by her exploits on the race track.
I also know lots of men like the trashy look. That's why I wrote: I'm just a girl.
By the way, hilarious story! As I always say: Dave, you are awesome!
josephs....LOL..LOOOL..LOL!!! that is pretty much all you know; you must be a truly sad guy. Listen, he "googles", that is how he informs himself on business opportunities out there. Yet, he does not even know who those people he "googles" are any more than those he met at the meeting! Somehow though, he believes these Google people are 100% reliable, these people have soemehow thought him how to make 267,000 $ since Quixtar sucks, it is a cult, just that unoriginal as he says! Man, what a pathetic guy you must be! Has anyone on this forum thought you how to make that kind of money? Nobody did that to me here during the several months of my forum visits. Just the same old story, the same satirical attacks, the same mediocre mentality like most people out there who are broke and complain about money matters and life's injustices. Where do you want to end up, josephs?
Cristian Anton,
So I am a pathetic guy. You make me "miserable, degraded, [and a] loser." I am so hurt. Sir, you are an orginal. LOL
"You make me "miserable, degraded, [and a] loser.""
Directly or indirectly? To the best of my knowledge neither one is true. All I see is that you are pretty pathetic when it comes to listening to people who are in life or are going in life where you want to be. Who is going in life where you want to be? The majority of people here at Quixtar Blog (which by the way used to be called Quixtar Blog: Just one man's perceptions (notice the word PERCEPTIONS not TRUTHS) but now appears but just appears to do otherwise) or those who have a Quixtar powered franchise who can teach you how to get to financial success but only if you choose so?
"I am so hurt. Sir, you are an orginal. LOL"
Good for you. I am happy for you. You really are the guy with the "LOL" attitude. You even laugh at your own condition it seems. You think low of yourself yet exalt your state of mental misery by deceiving yourself into believing that you really are happy. Maybe you do so because you are "miserable, degraded, [and a] loser." But in the end each to his own.
Hey, I thought Q* is supposed to be the Land of Cheap Sellouts, not travelocity.
I mean who gives up their free time with their family to spends buku $$$$ in travel and tools and seminars?
Sellouts. That's who!
And yes, Danika Patric is pretty hot.
Cristian
That sounds like the hate that can only come from the desperate fear of a delusional mind grasping at an impossible dream.
Dream on Don Quixote!
Quixote... Quixtar... hmmm scary..
Cristian,
I am not really hurt, but I was being sarcastic, you indoctrinated putz. I am just showing that you are another great example of a carbon copy of your amway cult. You people dehumanize others who have different ideas than your amway cult.
For just being here, I am becoming like you people.
bizarre...truly bizarre....
entertaining...but truly bizarre...
Posted by: anon | October 24, 2006 7:46 PM