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May 26, 2006
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 51
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: I own a nightclub and I'm looking for a unique
act this weekend. Can you help?
Answer: Glad you asked. I happen to know of a really original act that's currently
available. It's a family with three extremely talented children, a lovely wife
and a father who bears a striking resemblance to Dean Kosage.
Q: Well, what do they do?
A: The father comes out on stage and starts screaming, stomping around and spitting
on the audience. He's then joined by his wife who starts tossing rotten fish
entrails on her husband while yodelling the "Star Spangled Banner"
to the tune of Kelis' Milk
Shake. And then the three children, two sons and a daughter, walk out
on stage covered in garbage. Then one son begins prancing around quoting Kerouac
haikus with a thick German accent while the other son climbs on an orange Big
Wheel and rides off the stage into the front row. Then the sister reaches
up and pulls a long cord hanging from the ceiling and suddenly a deluge of raw
sewage is dumped on the family from hidden containers fastened above. The family
then turns towards the audience, in unison, and yells "Ta-Da!"
Q: That's disgusting and utterly repulsive. That's
the worst act I've ever heard of in my entire life. What do you call this act?
A: The Kingpins!
Q: I'm an IBO and I have a problem. Can you help?
A: Maybe. What's the problem?
Q: I have a sense of humor.
A: Yipes. Yeah. That is a problem. How'd this happen?
Q: Well, I thought I got rid of it but you know, I saw
that Aristocrats movie
right after watching Lenny
and now I can't stop laughing.
A: Well, that's not so bad. IBOs can laugh.
Q: Yeah, but I'm laughing at self-deprecating humor,
jokes that poke fun at Quixtar and old-fashioned satire. It's freaking me out.
A: Ok, calm down. I know just the cure. Something that will sap the
humor from every funny bone in your body.
Q: I'll do anything. Anything at all. Just help me.
A: Watch this
video of Birdie Yager every day for a month and you'll be as humorless as
Jody Victor.
Q: Thanks Help Desk™!
A: No thanks necessary. It's what we do.
Q: Who is this Scott Larsen guy I've been reading about
on the IBOAI website?
A: He's the devil. He eats live babies you know.
Q: What? Oh my goodness. That's horrible!
A: He also hates Quixtar, democracy, vegetables, puppies and Taylor Hicks.
Q: What a despicable man.
A: Wait, there's more. He's also a petty man who thinks Jody
Victor is ugly and doesn't mind saying so on his website. He's openly attacked
Jody Victor's appearance.
Q: I'm so disgusted. Jody's a beautiful, sexy man and
anyone who attacks his appearance must have some real problems.
A: Oh, he's got problems alright. And his website is all a bunch of
lies.
Q: Really? All lies? Then how does he keep it up?
A: Well, the IBOAI hasn't figured out how to prove that it's all lies
yet but their Truthiness Department is working on that day and night. Day and
night.
Q: Well, thanks for the info and I'll be sure to lock
my doors tonight in case Larsen is in the neighborhood.
A: Good idea. And you might want to put some bear traps out in your
yard because I heard he changes into a chupacabra
after Midnight.
Comments
ROFL,
That was a good one.
That would be 'el chupacabra'.
Catch the Scooby movie...I've seen it well over 100 times.
'Truthiness'...I love it. Wouldn't have taken you guys for Colbert fans.
Imran, you're a genius!
That's one of the more, uh, polite versions of "The Aristocrats" that I've heard. :)
See Scott Larsen the baby eater at:
http://tinyurl.com/pwwq3
Jody is a beautiful, pretty man.
And Scott Larsen is a Lier.
See, Larsen
Lier
What a clear proof!
Posted by: Imran | May 26, 2006 3:46 PM