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May 19, 2006
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 50
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: I'm so excited that Quixtar
is tops in April site performance according to Internet
Retailer!
Answer: Yeah. It's a pretty exciting accomplishment to be sure. Did you have
a question?
Q: Yes. Can you explain the specific significance of
being tops in site performance?
A: Well, it basically means that visitors to Quixtar.com can download an average
of 41.99 bytes per second.
Q: Ok. I have no idea what that means.
A: It means that Quixtar is a fast-loading site.
Q: Well, good. I knew it had to be something good because
Quixtar was at the top of the list.
A: It's not all so good. Unfortunately Quixtar rated below average in the Quality
rating.
Q: Oh. But fast-loading sites are important right?
A: Sure. It's good to have a fast-loading site though this is the first time
the Help Desk™ has ever seen such a benchmark. Reports showing site
traffic and time spent per visit are some of the more commonly used benchmarks.
Q: How is Quixtar doing in those areas?
A: Not sure about time on pages but overall
traffic has been declining for about
the last three years.
Q: But it's tops in April.
A: Yes, it's tops in April.
Q: I'm in the market for a new car and was wondering
if you have any suggestions?
A: Funny you should ask. Quixtar just unveiled a brand new vehicle called the
QuixCar.
Q: Really? That sounds cool. What's it look like?
A: It's an all-white car though there are a few brown models available if you
know where to look. It has multi-levels, the passengers sit on the bottom
level and the driver sits up top. On the bumper you have your choice of Ichthys,
with either the word Jesus or the symbol of a crucifix inside.
Q: Awesome! What about the sound system?
A: Oh, it's state-of-the-art. Comes with a 500 disc CD changer pre-loaded
with a selection of Quixtar motivational CDs personally selected by Jody Victor.
There's also a tape deck for those golden oldies.
Q: Sweet. I'm totally drooling. How about the performance?
A: It's not a fast car but it's very steady. And it has a special feature
called Circle Mode that will allow the car to drive around in circles for hours
and hours.
Q: I love circles.
A: We know you do.
Q: Where can I buy one and how much does it cost?
A: Well, you can purchase one at Quixtar.com and the price is amazingly
low though I must warn you, maintenance costs can be pretty expensive since only
Quixtar can do the repairs. One guy spent over $10,000 just to get his brakes
checked.
Q: Heck. I can't wait to get my new QuixCar. Anything
from Quixtar has got to be good.
A: I'll second that.
Q: I'm so depressed. When I do a Google
search for Quixtar the first page of results is mostly links to negative
websites. Why is that?
A: Well, Quixtar is a large, successful corporation utilizing a non-traditional
business method that is sometimes controversial and will naturally attract criticism.
Q: But Quixtar spends lots of money on search engine
optimization, word of mouth marketing, search engine marketing, blogging,
traditional advertising and supporting worthy causes so I just don't understand
why there's so much negativity in search results.
A: It's easy to start a critical website. Most big businesses encounter the same
type of negativity. It's the American way.
Q: But I searched for Amazon, eBay, Avon and Newegg and
didn't see anything negative on the first page of Google results. And searches
for Starbucks,
Melaleuca and
Dell only
return a couple of links to negative sites. Why is that?
A: What about Wal-Mart? Lots of negative about Wal-Mart.
Q: Well, yeah but it is the largest employer in the
U.S. and frankly some of the criticism is fair. What about Target? Nothing
negative for that company. It just seems like Quixtar isn't doing enough
to ensure that curious folks don't run into negative websites and that concerns
me.
A: Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but Quixtar has started a
new campaign called "Threaten to Sue All the Critics." Earlier this year the
Quixtar execs brought in L. Ron Hubbard as a consultant on how to deal with critics
and he advised them to put together a legal task force focused on scaring the
critical websites into oblivion.
Q: Isn't L. Ron Hubbard that Scientology dude? I thought
he was dead.
A: That's what they want you to think. No, he's very much alive. Lives
in a bunker in Colorado with Elvis and Walt Disney.
Q: So, you think this "Threaten to Sue All the Critics"
will work?
A: Absolutely. TSAC can't possibly fail with Jody Victor behind it.
Q: Good. I'll sleep better tonight.
A: So will I my young friend. So will I.
Comments
Great FHD, QBlog. LOL!!!!
#1 means: If you've got broadband, Quixtar will download its pages at a relatively fast rate by their benchmark (44kbytes/s)
#2 basically means, if you don't have broadband, its going to take you awhile to get anywhere on Quixtar's site (ie the pages are very large)
Deeper explanation:
#2 - A "56k" connection (which in the US will never connect more than 52,000bps anyway due to FCC regulations) has a theoretical max of about 5.5 kbyte per second download.
If a page is 100kbytes of code, and 100 kbytes of images (200kbyte), how long will that page take to load? Well, we divide 200kbyte by 5.5 and we get the total (about 36 seconds).
Now, for #1:
If someone with a 6mbit connection (Comcast's speed in my local area), you can get about 650kbyte-700kbyte per second, if the servers support it.
What #1 is saying that under ideal conditions, you're basically looking at a max of 45kbyte/second (or an average, however they worked their "study"), so it will still take you approximately 4 seconds to load the page.
I don't know about you, but 4seconds to load a webpage like Quixtar's seems to be a very long time (especially since so much of the template is cached...but woe is me)
Did you not see the South Park episode when one of the little guys was supposed to be L Ron Hubbard reincarnated? It was too funny.
http://www.xenu.net/
The video was on www.youtube.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9t8LkfRkIDk&search=trapped%20in%20the%20closet
The video has been pulled.
From internet retailer:
Efficiency is a measure of how quickly an E-Retailer can deliver content across multiple connection speeds (Dial Up, Low Broadband, and High Broadband) to consumers.
Quality is a measure in seconds of long a consumer can expect it to take for a Homepage to load regardless of connection speed (Dial Up, Low Broadband, and High Broadband).
Can someone describe the difference to this mostly internet-illiterate individual? An example would help.
Thanks.
Posted by: rara | May 19, 2006 9:05 PM