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July 1, 2005
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 29
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: I heard Tom Cruise was in Quixtar. I L-O-V-E
Tom Cruise. Have loved him ever since he stole my heart in Top Gun?
I absolutely must become a Quixtar IBO so that I can be like Tom.
Answer: Actually, you're thinking of Scientology, not Quixtar. Tom Cruise is
a vocal proponent of Scientology and to my knowledge, has never been involved
with Quixtar at all.
Q: Really? You're sure he's not in Quixtar? Wow. I could
have sworn he said something about Quixtar in his Today Show interview.
A: Yeah, I'm sure. Tom Cruise has never been in Quixtar though he did play a
sort of sexual self-help guru in the movie Magnolia.
Q: Oh yeah, I remember that movie. It was really weird.
Tom and Nicole Kidman were like in some freaky sex cult and everyone wore masks
or something.
A: No, that was Eyes Wide Shut directed by Stanley Kubrick. Magnolia
was an ensemble flick set in California.
Q: Hmmm... was that anything like Rain Man?
I really liked that movie. Isn't that where he says, "Show me the money?"
A: I don't think so. No. Definitely not.
Q: I see. Well anyway, if Tom isn't in Quixtar then
I guess I'm not interested. Thanks anyway.
A: Fess up, you've never seen any Tom Cruise movie except Top Gun have
you?
Q: Well, uh. No, I saw that one with the race cars.
What's it called?
A: Days of Thunder?
Q: No, it was Faster and Furious or something?
A: You mean The Fast and the Furious. You're so busted. Who is this
anyway?
Q: Katie Holmes. Why?
A: Just curious.
Q: Why did the Quixtar leaders start blogging?
A: Well, nobody's really sure but there are a few theories floating around out
there. The most popular theory is that the Quixtar leaders think the next wave
of E-Commerce is MLM Blogging.
Q: You mean blogging about Multilevel Marketing?
A: No, I mean that you get three bloggers to sign up underneath you and teach
them how to blog for themselves and get them teach three others to blog and
then you retire with your residual income.
Q: Wow but how's the money made?
A: That's the part nobody has quite figured out. But the Diamonds are
a bright bunch of guys and they plan to build the MLM Blogging network first
and then figure out how to make money later.
Q: That doesn't make much sense.
A: No, it doesn't but it is a popular theory. Another theory is that
the Quixtar leaders have a rare neurological disorder that affects them ONLY
when they come in contact with computers connected to the Internet. The disorder
compells them to post complete nonsense and then duplicate it across multiple
blogs. Psychologists and neurologists are baffled.
Q: Well that's just stupid. Any other theories?
A: Well, there's one more. Some think that all the Quixtar leader blogs
are typed by lab rats who get chocolates after filling a page with "content."
Q: I'm a Quixtar employee and I love the QBlog. What
am I to do?
A: Nurture your love of the QBlog. Don't be ashamed that you love the QBlog.
Many people love the QBlog. The QBlog is irresistable.
Q: But I read it and feel so guilty for reading it.
What if my boss found out that I read it? I might get fired!
A: Baby, your boss reads the QBlog every damn day. Your boss loves the
QBlog just like you love the QBlog. Everyone loves the QBlog.
Q: Yes, I do love the QBlog. It's so funny and witty
and informative that I just can't help myself. And I even love those creepy
eyes.
A: The creepy eyes know that you love them. The creepy eyes symbolize
the all-knowing QBlog. Those creepy eyes are looking right at you baby.
Q: So, I should embrace my love of the QBlog instead
of being ashamed of it?
A: That's right. Wear your QBlog love like a badge on your sleeve and
you know what will happen? QBlog will love you right back. That's right. In
fact, there's a QBlog party at the pool this weekend and all you lovely Quixtar
employees are invited.
Q: Wow, thanks. That's awesome. I'll be there.
A: I know you will.