« Quixtar Revenue and Bonus | Main | Quixtar Leader Series - Getting Along »
June 24, 2005
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 28
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: So, let me get this straight. I have to sell
70% of everything I buy from Quixtar or I won't get my bonus?
Answer: That's right.
Q: But that's crazy talk. How can I sell all the products
I buy? I buy a lot of stuff and how can I figure out what equals 70%?
A: Well, you are running a business and you'll need to keep up with stuff like
that.
Q: Oh my God. This sucks. This totally sucks. Surely
Quixtar can't keep up with who sells 70% or not right?
A: Actually, they do have a way to keep up with everything. Each product you
order has to be marked for personal use or as eligible for retail. There's a
check box on Quixtar.com that you must select for each order. The Quixtar computers
keep track of what's for personal use and what's for retail. If you end up not
selling things you bought for retail, you go back at the end of the month and
indicate that in the system. If Quixtar sees that you're close to violating
the 70% rule an email alert is automatically sent to show you how to quickly
get back into compliance.
Q: Really? I had no idea? Crap, I've been doing this
all wrong.
A: No, not really you dork. I made that up. Of course Quixtar doesn't enforce
the 70% rule or monitor what you buy and sell. They could but they don't. It's
all very convenient.
Q: Ah, I get what you're saying. So the 70% rule is
just to keep the FTC off of Quixtar's back but nobody at Quixtar really gives
a crap what the IBO does, right?
A: Officially, Quixtar is very interested in your compliance with the 70% rule.
Unofficially... well. Wink-wink. Nudge-nudge. Say no more.
Q: What's up with this Bruce Anderson character? Is
he for real?
A: Bruce Anderson is an alien from the Planet Nepton. He has come to Earth to
befriend us and teach us the ways of the Zoovians.
Q: Bruce Anderson, the Quixtar
Diamond?
A: Yep. One and the same. He's half Zoovian and half Samoan. Do you think it's
coincidence that he set up operations in Florida? Obviously not. Florida is
the perfect place for strange beings from other planets to co-exist with humans.
Q: But he worked his way to Diamond in Quixtar. How
could an alien do that?
A: Brother, you've got a lot to learn. Most of the Quixtar Diamonds
are aliens or at least genetic mutants. You know Randy Haugen? Alien from the
Degoba System. Oh, and Dexter Yager. Genetic mutant. He can unhinge his jaw
and swallow a baby whole... not that he's ever done it but he could if he wanted
to.
Q: That's simply amazing. Gives a whole other dimension
to the Quixtar business opportunity. Now it's not just a way to earn a residual
income but it's also a way to learn from sentient beings from other galaxies.
A: You know ALF was
an alien too?
Q: Yo, I got dis fine honey lookin to hook me up in
dis Quixtar bidness. Whachoo know bout this stuff?
A: Well, Quixtar is a business that grows as much as you want it to grow. You
get paid based on your efforts. You're in business for yourself but not by yourself.
Quixtar is a world of opportunity.
Q: Yo, what the hell you barkin dawg? What kinda smack
you talkin'? I just wanna know if I should get hooked up with dis chic's bidness
or not.
A: Well, if your sweetheart is an IBO and she would like for you to
participate in the Quixtar business opporunity...
Q: Ho- ho- hold on one sec aight? Dis honey ain't got
no B-O knamean? She's always wearing dat Tommy Hilfigger stuff. So step off
talking bout my honey like dat aight?
A: Ok, it's a misunderstanding. I said "IBO" which stands
for Independent Business Owner. In Quixtar you're independent which means that
you are in control of your own destiny.
Q: You one a dem Scientonogists or something? Ya know,
like Tom Cruise n stuff?
A: Ha ha. No, no, no. Quixtar is NOT a cult. Absolutely not a cult.
Nope, it's not a cult at all. What a silly thing to suggest. That Quixtar's
a cult. Oh, that's funny for sure. Quixtar IBOs may do some strange things but
they're definitely not a cult nor do they act like a cult. I mean, to think
that Quixtar is a cult is just silly. Really silly. If Quixtar is a cult then
I'm L. Ron Hubbard. Quixtar is so NOT a cult it's not even funny. What's funny
is thinking that Quixtar is a cult.
Q: Aight. Well, I'm outta here dude. You ain't been
no help you babblin freak. See ya.
A: Good bye and have a pleasant day and remember that Quixtar is not
a cult.
Comments
I think the funniest part was "In Quixtar you're independent which means that you are in control of your own destiny.
"
A real laff riot, so to speak.
It only could have been funnier if that last guy had been told "yo - I know how you feel, I felt the same way - but let me tell you what I found..."
I should be slapped once for each time I said that to someone.
Joe-
I know how you fee, I felt that wey... Oh, crap, there I go again...
*slap* doh *slap* doh...
Got cult?
I used to chuckle every time I read that.
Qblog, I don't know your true take on Mr. Anderson, but it sure looks like a crappy, biased resolution in the making. What's the old story about laying down with dogs? How 'bout 1 Psalms?
Yo Qblog man, watcha doin lettin all dese peeple dere makin all dese comments about da way I talk? You tryinna make funna me or sumtin? You betta wach ya step dere or Im gonna get dose sument bags reddy and put ya in da east river.
This is one of your best I was snickering all along the way.
QBlog, this is one of your best.
I was snickering all along the way.
Especially at the end.
Very nicely done.
Posted by: Clifford J. Phillips | June 24, 2005 6:03 AM