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June 18, 2005
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 27
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: Where is the Help Desk™ staff? It's
Saturday and there's nothing. No note. No questions. Nothing. Where are you?
Answer: Hey, we're here. Sorry. We just lost track of time. We're visiting Wal-Mart
headquarters here in beautiful Bentonville,
Arkansas.
Q: Really? Why?
A: Because Wal-Mart is the largest company in the world and we want to learn
from the best.
Q: Ok, so what have you learned?
A: Well, we learned that Wal-Mart owes much of its success to effectively marketing
itself as a low-cost alternative to traditional retail outlets.
Q: So, is Quixtar going to start marketing its business?
A: No, not at all. Quixtar already has thousands of walking, talking billboards
who advertise for free. In fact, many of them pay Quixtar for the opportunity
to advertise... uh... did I just say that out loud?
Q: Good point. Word of mouth marketing is highly effective
but aren't there a lot of walking, talking billboards who say things like "stay
away from Quixtar."
A: I guess. But Quixtar still has an advantage because, unlike Wal-Mart, Quixtar
is blessed by God. With God helping Quixtar, all things are possible.
Q: I see. And I suppose Wal-Mart is run by idol-worshipping
Satanists?
A: Heck no. It's run by dirty, gay communists.
Q: Isn't Quixtar the number one Health and Beauty website?
A: Yep. That's what they say.
Q: Then why hasn't anyone ever heard of it?
A: Because it's Quixtar's belief that the best way to operate a successful business
is to keep that business a secret and hide it from as many people as possible.
Q: That's an interesting strategy. How's it working
out?
A: Excellent. Quixtar has been around for over 40 years... I mean Amway
has... I mean the Quixtar business model has been working... oh crap. I get
so confused. It just works. Trust me.
Q: But can't Quixtar do more to promote its products
to the general public? I mean surely there's something that can be done right?
A: Quixtar is doing something. It publishes blogs run by anonymous employees.
You can't beat that with a stick!
Q: I got this new Atmosphere thing and it totally blows.
Can I get my money back?
A: It blows huh? What's wrong with it?
Q: I just told you, it blows. That's all it does. It's
an air purifier so it should suck in bad air and blow out good air. The problem
is that it just blows air, like a hair dryer.
A: Well, in order to blow air a device must get that air from somewhere
so it has to be sucking air in somehow, right?
Q: I guess you're right but the air in my house just
isn't getting any cleaner. Maybe it doesn't work?
A: Well, the Atmosphere Air Purifier works in practically any situation
and is guaranteed to automatically clean your air. The only exceptions are if
you're running a Meth Lab or something. You're not running a Meth Lab are you?
Q: Ummm. Well... depends on what you mean by "Meth
Lab."
A: Pretty straightforward. A lab that is used to make Methamphetamines.
Q: Oh, well if you mean THAT kind of Meth Lab then sure,
I got one in the kitchen.
A: The problem ain't the Atmosphere Air Purifier dude. By the way, how'd
you get one? I didn't think they were selling them yet.
Q: One of my Meth customers works in Quixtar R&D
and he hooked me up.
A: I see.
Comments
I would like to know if Walmart is going to build a new store in West Pensacola, Florida in a community called Beulah around Alt. US 90 or (9 mile road) Thanks and we all hope they are-we keep hearing these rumors.
Can you please tell me who actually manufactures the Atmosphere air purifiers for Quixtar? (Not the parent companies but the actual manufacture) I have two in my home and would like to get one for my office. The question came up from my employer and must be answered if they will approve the expense.
PS the units are working great, well designed and manufactured.
Regards,
Dave Keyes
Dave,
Dunno if you're still around, but it's a question best passed to Quixtar product support. Log into the website, go to "contact us", and follow the steps to send an e-mail. You can also call, but you'll get a much more comprehensive and well-researched response by e-mail.
I'm waiting to hear when they say Wal-mart benifits terrorists or fundamentalists. It's good to hear prospects of job security ;)
And IBOs, here is your myth debunked:
http://www.amquix.info/amway_retirement_legend.html
Posted by: Imran Aziz | June 19, 2005 5:54 AM