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January 21, 2005
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 9
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: Hello? Hello?
Answer: *We're sorry. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a
message.*
Q: Yeah. Is this Ken? Ken McDonald? Hi, this is Joe
Land. I guess you missed my other messages... and my emails... well anyway,
just wanted to say I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think I made
a big mistake. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I just kinda got
caught up in the hype. You know. You know about that hype stuff. It's just that
I really didn't think you'd be sending your...
A: *Beeeeeeep!*
Q: Blasted machine.
A: *If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.*
Q: *Click*
A: ...
Q: What was that all about?
A: What?
Q: Nothing. Ok, I've been eating these Trim Advantage
bars for a few weeks and I've lost like 30 pounds but they taste HORRIBLE. Can
ya help me out? Have any Trim Advantage recipes or something? I'm dying here.
A: Trim Advantage recipes. Yeah. I got one. Open trash can. Dump box of Trim
Advantage in trash can. Eat a bowl of oatmeal.
Q: Har har. I like what they're doing for me but they
just taste so bad.
A: Let me see that box cowboy.
Q: Uh, we're on the phone. How can you "see"
if we're on the phone?
A: It's a trick I learned in school. Just give me the damn box and shut up.
Q: Ok. Here ya go.
A: Aha! Just as I suspected. You're not eating Trim Advantage bars at all. Someone
sold you a box of packaged cardboard. Some prankster has been wrapping thin
strips of cardboard with Trim Advantage wrappers and selling them out of his
pickup on the side of the road. Where did you buy these?
Q: From Quixtar. I don't know anything about a guy in
a truck.
A: Hmmm... Oh wait. Never mind. These ARE Trim Advantage bars. I forgot. They
really DO taste like cardboard. 30 pounds huh? I know this one chic that lost
1215 pounds in three months. Let's see you top that.
Q: There's a monkey in my bathtub, what should I do?
A: Is he dirty or clean?
Q: Covered in feces.
A: Yuck. Then wash him.
Q: But how did he get in MY bathtub?
A: Didn't you let him in?
Q: No.
A: Well that's peculiar.
Q: And a bit scary. Can monkeys get rabies?
A: I'm not sure but I have an idea on how to get rid of him.
Q: Really? What?
A: Tell him you'd like to meet with him for an hour or so to show him
a special Internet opportunity because he looks just like the type of guy you
need for your business that is just about to explode.
Q: I already tried that. He said he's in Passport.
A: Then RUN!!!