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November 19, 2004
QBlog's Farcical Help Desk - 2
By QBlog in Farcical Help Desk
Every Friday, the QBlog Farcical Help Desk™ answers the Quixtar questions that nobody dared to ask. Additionally, each Help Desk answer is guaranteed to end with some form of punctuation or we'll refund your money. No fooling!
Question: Is it true that most Quixtar IBOs are functionally
illiterate?
Answer: What? Who told you that?
Q: I mean they're always listening to tapes and CDs,
you never actually see them reading anything do you?
A: They listen to tapes because it instructs and motivates them while they're
doing other stuff, like driving their cars or mowing the lawn. That doesn't
make them functionally illiterate.
Q: But why can't they spell simple words like "loser"
and "quitter" or know when to capitalize words and use proper punctuation?
Is habitually butchering the English language a prerequisite for joining Quixtar?
A: No but it sure helps.
Q: So is there any truth to the rumor that Quixtar was
starting up a task force to provide IBOs with basic grammar skills. Any truth
to that?
A: Yes, they're calling it Operation Spell Check.
Q: I'm a Web usability consultant and I was just visiting
the Quixtar Web site and... well, what happened?
A: Been wondering the same damn thing.
Q: But their home page has just become this giant link
dump, it's crazy.
A: Tell me about it, I know. But I have this theory that they're testing a new
bonus system.
Q: Related to the linkfest?
A: Yeah. See, each link gets an IBO like 10 pv and each click gives
him 20 bv. So the more links, the more the IBOs get paid and everyone is happy.
Q: Hmmmm. But won't that...?
A: Yes. Eventually Quixtar could become an unnavigable link-infected horror.
We'll see what happens.
Q: Dude. I got a problem. Every time an IBO comes near
me at the mall or Wal-Mart, I start freaking out and going berserk.
A: So what's the problem?
Q: Uh. The part where I freak out and go berserk. Like
how can I stop that?
A: Stop going to the mall and Wal-Mart.
Q: That's not a solution. That's stupid.
A: You asked. It's not like you can prevent IBOs from stalking strangers
in malls and hassling them to come to their "mysterious meeting."
I mean, this is America dude. You can't stop free enterprise.
Q: Well, I wasn't trying to stop them. I was trying
to find out how to quit freaking out. I know about freedom and all that. So
can you help?
A: Sure, ok. Well, just do what I do and get really, really drunk before you
go to the mall. Then when the IBO approaches you won't really care what the
hell he's saying nor will you really understand it. And you may get lucky and
score a ride home.
Q: Now that's some good advice. I'll start drinking
right away. Thanks.
A: Any time my friend. Any time.
Comments
Even better, buy "I am already an IBO" and IBOs + Normal ppl, both'll stay away.
No hablas Engles, Senor. Lo Siento.
(smile)
"if you don't leave this every instant I will set you on fire."
has always worked for me.
lean in real close, look them dead in the eyes, and say in a low raspy voice...
"Have you ever bled a man dry just to see how painfully he can die?"
When does the "I hate the plan" t-shirt hit the QBLog store shelves
Better yet, how many PV/BV is it worth? Ha!
I've always found "no thanks- but I wish you the best of luck" to be very effective, if a bit too grown up.
Uh, DF. Have you visited the QBlog Shop? There's a T-Shirt that reads, "OH NO! Not THE PLAN" and has a screaming face on it. I think that's pretty much the same thing.
No, I mean like one that says in big, bold letters, "I HATE THE PLAN".
Or even a take on the I (Heart) NY t-shirt, except a big black slash over the (Heart) part. Just an idea....
Here's one better... big bold black letters saying
THE PLAN with the international symbol of hatred, the red circle and slash!
Here's a GIF for you to use if you want it:
http://whataboutquixtar.com/aq-images/no-plan.gif
it's a transparant GIF so you can use it on any background. Might look good on a t-shirt!!
I would say in a really loud voice, "Is this in any way affiliated with the Amway Corporation?"
Make sure everyone within earshot hears it, then laugh like a maniac, compose yourself, then say, no thanks, but I love you!
Better yet, buy an "I hate the plan" shirt to wear to Quixtar gathering places like Wal-Mart, Barnes & Noble, etc.
Posted by: Roger, Husband of A TEAM Brainwashee | November 19, 2004 10:55 AM