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August 27, 2003
A bit personal
By QBlog in
I doubt anyone will ever know how badly I wanted to be an IBO. Maybe if you've been in a similar situation, where your spouse is an excited and energized IBO, you'll understand what I'm saying. Sometimes I still wonder what it is about me that prevents me from buying into the Quixtar system and joining the ranks of practicing MLMers. My personal refusal to become an active IBO resulted in a lot of conflict in my home. And while I outwardly supported my wife, I'll always know that what she really wanted was a partner, not a cheerleader. It saddens me that I could not be that partner in her MLM endeavors.
My emotions regarding Quixtar run deep. They are conflicted and confused. As a result of my questions, this site and my inability (or refusal) to become an active IBO, my wife ended her activity. While she was active in Quixtar I saw her dream and have hope about our future. For the first time since I've known her she began looking at the positive side of life BEFORE she looked at the negatives. She would come home from a meeting or conference, bubbling with excitement and bursting to tell me every detail. I wanted to experience that with her, not just watch it from the sidelines. But I couldn't. God knows I tried, and still do sometimes, but I just couldn't do it.
But it wasn't all excited energy for her. Sure, there were some hard times. Just about every day of excitement was followed by a day of self-doubt and near depression. I think it was those emotional swings that concerned me the most. For every night of exuberance there was a night of tears. Maybe it wasn't that dramatic but memory has a funny way of highlighting the extremes.
I love my wife. Sometimes I wonder if I had loved her just a little bit more then maybe I could have been active with her. Then other times I think that if I had loved her more then maybe I would have said "no" when she asked me if she should join Quixtar. But I didn't say no. I said yes.
And now I sit here tonight, while the family is asleep, with that lingering desire to become a Quixtar IBO. A desire to see that joyous energy springing forth from my wife once again. A desire to be the "good guy" instead of the "guy who crushed his wife's dreams." A desire to rid myself of the guilt that eats at my soul like a cancer. But in spite of those desires I know, in my heart of hearts, that I can never become an active IBO. I really don't know exactly why that is but I understand its truth and have learned to accept it.
Comments
My great sympathies to Lisa.
And QBlog, maybe I don't know you're feeling, but my desire to see and preserve that joy in my husband sounds very much akin.
I too felt many of the things you described with my husband. Due to other problems, his obsession with the business being one of them, he has filed for divorce. I feel relieved I don't have that dilemma anymore, but I would have gladly supported him doing it while I pursued my own dreams my own way. I couldn't go along with the herd mentatality, nor did I care as much about pleasing the upline as he did (I think he has undealt with issues with his father and to me he is playing out this people pleasing to please a man who himself is emotionally unavailable). I heard lies and I felt hurt by the emotionalism used to hook people in, especially myself. My soon to be ex-husband went through such emotional moments with the business, the ups and downs as people saw the plan and then the ones who turned out to not want to join in, but I did not see that passion or emotion from him in our marriage, thus it made me resent the business even more. Didn't mean to unload so much. Your wife is lucky to have a man like you, even if you didn't want to commit to the business, you seem committed to her and your family. More than I can say for my husband, and that business is supposed to make one a better person?
Posted by: Lisa | October 28, 2003 3:12 PM